TSA to Hire ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ as Full-Body Scanners

Washington, D.C. --

Following the Dutch government’s lead to beef up security in light of the so-called underwear bomber by deploying full-body scanners, which electronically detects atomized trace elements of explosives on would-be terrorists with a puff of air, at all their airports, Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials have announced today that they will be employing something far more reliable: ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ to mentally scan the minds of passengers for any terrorist thoughts.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ will take up their positions alongside TSA agents,” said a TSA official. “And while passengers wait just to see their luggage being x-rayed, physically inspected, mishandled and ultimately misplaced, they will have their brain waves scanned as well for any terrorist thoughts.”

“All while they stand in line talking on their cell phones with a psychic friend, killing two birds with one stone,” added a spokesperson for ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ has a proven track record of success,” said a spokesman for Homeland Security. “Not like those unproven, unreliable mechanical full-body scanners based on ever-changing Age of Enlightenment technology.”

The decision to use psychics, instead of machines, is based on a pilot program that proved very successful when mediums were secretly placed throughout Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) locations in Southern California in order to improve security there by scanning the minds of civilians for terrorist thoughts after standing in long lines for hours on end.

"You wouldn't believe how many terrorists we apprehended in just the first hour," said a Psychic Friend. "And none of them by using the controversial police racial profiling technique either."

“I never even knew I was a terrorist,” said Marie Huntington an 87-year-old woman attempting to renew her license. “Not until I came here and that nice young woman over there came up to me, tapped me on my shoulder, pulled me out of line, handcuffed me and put a black hood over my head and told me I was one.”

After being water boarded for an hour, Mrs. Huntington said she came to her senses and realized her ‘Psychic Friend’ was right.

“Believe me, if her thoughts wouldn’t have killed,” said the Psychic Friend who scanned Mrs. Huntington. “Putting her behind the wheel of a one ton vehicle would have.”

The psychic scanning pilot program was so successful that ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ even caught one of their own in their mental dragnet.

“We were randomly scanning the line of people when we picked up terrorist thoughts originating from one of our own,” confirmed a Psychic Friend.

Michelle Baker, a member of the psychic friends network since the 1990s, was trying to renew her California identification card on her day off when her fellow co-workers picked up her incriminating thoughts while she stood in line at the DMV.

“I knew I was having terrorist thoughts,” said Mrs. Baker as she was being placed under arrest for generating destructive delta brain waves against a government agency, after spending the better part of the morning standing in line just to get a service number. “I tried to block them out, but I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

Initial data complied so far seems to indicate a direct correlation between the amount of time people had to wait in line at the DMV and the number of terrorist thoughts being generated.

“We’re confident that’s just an anomaly,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “We don’t expect to find any so-called ‘waiting time slash terrorist thoughts correlation’ in our program. Excuse me...I have to relocate all these terrorists out to the tarmac until the police get here to take them off my hands.”




Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Pope Tripped Trying to Kick a Football in the Cathedral, New Video Shows

Vatican City --

Italian police have gathered up all the video footage on the attack on Pope Benedict XVI during the midnight Mass on Christmas Eve last Thursday, carefully analyzing it for clues. So far their investigation has surfaced a new video, which, if proven authentic, contains footage that contradicts previous reports that a 25-year-old psychologically disturbed woman tackled the Holy See, clearing her of all criminal charges against him.

“Obviously, Vatican officials tried to cover-up the truth in order to save the reputation of the pontiff by claiming the young woman tackled him,” said Italian Police Inspector Pablo Giorgio at a press conference where new evidence was featured. “However, as the newly uncovered video documents, the Pope tripped on his own accord.”

Italian police did concede, however, that the Pope was setup for the fall by the young woman.

“Footage from the newly discovered video clearly shows a women in a red hooded sweater jumping over the roped petition as we have all seen before,” continued Inspector Giorgio as he played the video on a large plasma TV screen to reporters “However, as you can see from this angle, after jumping over the partition, she actually ran down the aisle of St. Peter’s Basilica, passing the Pope, but clearly carrying something under her clothing. Yards ahead of him, she kneels down on one knee as if to pray, but instead produces a football [American], the bulging object we saw earlier, from under her sweater.”

As soon as Pope Benedict XVI got sight of the football held out by the young woman, who kept it balanced on the ground with one finger in front of her, he began to run toward it, lifting up his holy vestments along the way, exposing his red leather shoes.

“So, as you can see the Holy See did not trip on his sacred robes and holy garments,” continued Inspector Giorgio.

As the video played in slow motion, just as the Pope made his final approach to kick the football, the young woman in the red hooded sweater suddenly pulled it away from the path of the Pope, causing him to trip heels overhead.

“AAUGH!” exclaimed out the Pope on the video as he fell to the ground.

“The Pope went down, “ concluded Inspector Giorgio. “Just like the American cartoon boy, Charlie Brown.”

Italian police said they are still searching for a motive in the case, ironically freezing the video on the young woman’s red hooded sweater. A ‘Peanuts’ sweater that had ‘Lucy’ on it with a caption and cartoon that read: ‘Psychiatric Help 5 Cents – The Doctor is in.”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Assault’ in the Cathedral?” Pope Attacked by Crazed T.S. Eliot Fan!

Vatican City --

Just like Archbishop Thomas Becket of Canterbury Cathedral in that poetic drama by T.S. Eliot: ‘Murder in the Cathedral’, Pope Benedict XVI found himself assailed in St. Peter’s Basilica just before he conducted Christmas Eve Mass today. Fortunately he was not murdered but just tackled to the ground by his obviously psychologically disturbed assailant, a 25-year-old woman and three of her “invisible” co-conspirators.

“She had a bat in the belfry,” said police, who confiscated a possible weapon the woman apparently intended to use in the assault. “We tried dusting it for her finger prints, but it flew away before we could get a chance.”

Police also found a copy of T.S. Eliot’s ‘Murder in the Cathedral’ on the assailant’s person. So it is believe she had more on her mind than just tackling the Pope.

Although police are still attempting to piece together any attempted murder plot, they have gathered up some other interesting clues as well.

“The woman claimed to be a knight,” said police. “Kept insisting she and three other knights were on a mission from the king. To assert the power of the state supreme.”

Witnesses also placed the assailant outside St. Peter’s Basilica hours before the assault, reading passages of T.S. Eliot aloud to herself and feeding stray cats.

"It was those same cats that distracted the Pope's personal bodyguards and everyone else’s attention away from that woman for a moment," says Diego Martinez, a tourist from Mexico.

Martinez claims, as do others, that they heard a chorus of cats signing just moments before the assault took place on the pontiff.

“I thought it was so eerie hearing those cats singing outside the basilica for everyone to hear like that,” said Heather Applebee from New York. “Until, in slow motion, I turned my head away from the stained-glass windows and saw a woman in a red hooded sweater jump over the partition and attack the Pope.”

Moments later, the Pope fully recovered from the assault suffering only minor burses and abrasions, walking away to perform Mass without further incident. Although a French Cardinal with more serious injuries had to be hospitalized, he is expected to make a full recovery as well.

Police say the young woman will undergo psychological evaluation and likely be charged with assault, plagiarism and copyright infringement of an internationally protected intellectual property.

“Unless she claims her assault was some kind of performance art. A parody or satire of sorts,” said an Italian criminal defense attorney. “In which case, she’ll probably walk.”

Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Post-Divorce Kate Gosselin Hosts New Reality TV Show: “Ex-Wives Gone Wild!”

Hollywood, California --

Just moments after her appearance on the nationally syndicated Jay Leno Show last Friday making her announcement that the judge finalized her divorce to Jon Gosselin earlier in the day and her public declaration: “I’m a wild woman!” Kate Gosselin’s cell phone ring tone sounded off nonstop with offers from Hollywood producers for a new reality TV show just for her.

What everybody does not realize, however, is that here on the West Coast, ‘The Jay Leno Show’ is on a time delay, while back East Cost it goes on the air live. The following occurred as it aired uncensored, unedited and from it’s original remote broadcasting location: a bar.

“Guess what the first thing I did right after the judge finalized my divorce, Jay?” said a seemingly inebriated Kate from a live remote as she sat on a bar stool back East.

“I don’t know. Stop off at the closes bar to have a drink?” replied Jay Leno as he and the studio audience laughed.

“No silly. After that,” said Kate Gosselin, struggling to hold up a membership card to a gym (one of her latest sponsors) that hung from her neck, a brightly colored all-you-can-drink orange wristband catching everyone’s eye instead.

“Oh, I see now. You joined a gym?” said Jay Leno playing up to the studio audience as he pointed to his own wrist and motioned like he was throwing back a few drinks from an invisible shot glass in his hand, while he wobbled around the stage like he was drunk. “Probably to get your hairdo back in shape, huh.”

“What?” said Kate. “How did you know?”

“Let’s just say a little bird told me and move on, okay?” said a somewhat nervous looking Jay.

“They talk to you too?” replied Kate. “I thought I just heard them, after watching ‘Dumbo’ so many times. Do you know I remember every word from that movie? They ought to pass a law making it illegal to force parents to watch a movie with their kids more than thousand times. You know what I mean Jay? Jay?”

“What, ah…What about the children?” said Jay as he struggled to maintain his train of thought.

“Oh they don’t mind,” said Kate. “They could watch that movie a millions times and they probably will too.”

“No, not that,” replied Jay with his hands in his pockets rocking back-and-forth on his heels. “I meant where are the children.”

“What?” said an undeniably intoxicated Kate as she spoke with one eye closed. “Oh that… Jon’s got them for the weekend. Ha! Isn’t payback a bitch sometimes? Huh, Jay? You know what I mean?”

“I guess,” said Jay, giving hand signals to the control room to cut the piece.

“You know,” said Kate as she started getting reflective and philosophical, reaching over the bar, grabbing the camera and pulling it over to her until it encompassed her face. “We really haven’t had the time to get to know each other very well, have we? Have any of us really for that matter?”

“What do you mean?” replied Jay as he backed away from the giant TV screen of Kate’s face.

“I mean you’re so busy with your TV show every night,” said Kate looking directly into the camera lens. “While I’m out on the road bad mouthing my cheating husband for not being back home, spending time enough quality with the family watching ‘Dumbo’ with the kids and me. I thank we should use this time to get to know each other a little better. One on one, don’t you?”

“No!” protested Jay as he through opens his jacket in vane trying to block the giant TV screen, the image of Kate French kissing the camera lens. “For God sakes this a family show now!”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods’ Scandal Spreads to Breakfast Cereal For Kids' Icon of Similar Sounding Name

Los Angeles, California --

It seems fallout from the Tiger Woods affair(s) is/are having a negative impact on breakfast cereal icon ‘Tony The Tiger’ as the industry standard has filed to legally change his name in Superior Court, Los Angeles today.

According to the breakfast cereal manufacturer the change was not necessary but taken at of an “abundance of causation”.

However, industry insiders’ say that sales of the once popular breakfast cereal for kids has suffered a sharp decline in sales recently, due it is believed to the Tiger Woods infidelity scandal that broke late last month.

“I just won’t buy it for my kids anymore,” said Virginia Kruger, 47, single mother of two small children. “It might give them…you know, ideas.”

As the visibly emotional ‘Tony The Tiger’ stood in the nearly empty courtroom blowing his blue nose with his red bandana, which he customarily wears around his neck, the judge finalized the proceedings. Legally changing his name with one fell swoop his gavel.

“Well, your name is now legally ‘Anthony (Not Affiliated with the former PGA golfer known as Tiger Woods) The Tiger,” said the judge. “How does that make you feel?”

“GRRREAT!” replied ‘Tony’ -- I mean ‘Anthony’ -- as he through his finger up into the air, letting out his trademark cry. Which bellowed throughout the courtroom, down the hallway, outside down to the street and up to the steps of City Hall. “Just GRRREAT! Now little kids won’t confuse me with that adulterating [BLEEP] any more.”

“Don’t worry kids,” said a spokesman for the cereal company attempting to reassure children. “Anthony (Not Affiliated with the former PGA golfer known as Tiger Woods) The Tiger’ is a mouthful say, but you’ll get use to it. It gets easier the more times you say it.”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

President Barack Obama’s ‘Shovel-Ready’ Economy Finally Getting Busy…Digging ‘U.S.’ Out from His Bull --

Washington, D.C. --

The White House confirmed that Obama’s stimulus package is working, citing a round the clock team of ‘shove-ready’ men the president has on standby 24 hours, 7 days a week to clean up after him whenever he makes one of his emotionally charged purple prose political do nothing speeches.

“There’s so much of it in just one of his speeches,” said a member of the ‘shovel-ready’ cleanup crew. “I have to wear hip boots just to wade through it so I can get close enough to clean it up.”

In fact, White House staff members have begun wearing hip boots as well.

“The president often paces up and down the hallways of the White House while practicing his speeches,” explains a White House staff member. “So he tends to leave a trail of his bull [BLEEP] behind him. We try not to step in it, but sometimes it’s unavoidable so the hip boots really help.”

So popular are the hip boots at the White House that they have become a fashion tread of sorts among the staff.

“Oh yeah,” confirmed another White House staff member. “Hip boots are quite trendy in the Obama White House. But really they’re a common sense combination of function and form.”

Reportedly, Obama even has several pairs on hand for visiting foreign dignitaries to wear, so they can feel like they fit right in.

“Of course, we don’t have to worry about visiting members of Congress,” said the White House Press Secretary. “They have their own. Only you could never tell because they wear them under their suits. We don’t, because Obama wants his administration to be transparent.”

“Good thing I didn’t throw mine away from the last administration,” said a member of the press core.

“I had to buy a new pair,” said another reporter. “Because I actually believed his change campaign promise.”

Ironically, all this purchasing of hip boots is helping to grow the economy, stimulating American manufacturing in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way.

“If Obama keeps dishing it out at this rate,” said an economist. “He could single-handedly pull the country out of a recession as the nation reaches for their pair of hip boots every time he speaks.”

“At least that’s what I’ll be telling the president this afternoon. So I hope he’s wearing his pair,” said an Obama adviser, pausing a moment while slipping on his own pair of hip boots reading for the first time the manufacturing label attached. “Made in China’. Huh, I wonder what that could mean?”

“Excuse me Mr. President,” said Obama’s personal secretary over the intercom. “The cleaning crew is here.”

“What? Already? I just started practicing my speech,” replied the president.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

9 Out of 10 Kids from ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ Shoe Commercial Suspected to be His

Los Angeles, California --

A group of fathers on behalf of their children that appeared in the ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ ‘Nike’ commercial a year ago have now banned together to file the nation’s first ever class action child support case and against Tiger Woods, after their paternity tests proved inconclusive.

“I always thought it was strange the way Tiger Woods’ people contacted us to do the commercial out of the blue like that,” said Bryan Dilbert talking about how his wife received a phone call from agent representing Tiger Woods asking her if she would like her son to be in one of his commercials. “But I thought, ‘Hey, it’s Tiger Woods.”

Once Mrs. Dilbert returned from the Tiger Woods’ commercial shoot with their 5-year-old son, however, she filed for divorce shortly thereafter, ending 4 years of marriage and gaining full custody of their son in the legal process.

“I never connected the two,” said Mr. Dilbert as he dressed in his drab motel room he rents from day to day in the only suit he has left, one he purchased at the Goodwill in preparation to meet his 5-year-old son for his occasional court ordered visitations.

“I’d like to see my son more often,” says Mr. Dilbert as he rides the bus downtown on the way to see his son for his once a month supervised visitations. “But I just can’t afford to pay the monitoring fees.”

A somewhat emotionally detached Mr. Dilbert sits in a pale green sterile room wearing a gray suit plagued with moth holes with an unseen court monitor looking on from behind a two-way mirrored glass, as he watches his son pickup a plastic golf club and putt a bright orange ball into a Astroturf indoor green over and over again.

“Hey, Regit,” says Mr. Dilbert to his son. “Do that again for daddy.”

After watching his son knock a golf ball into the hole time after time, Mr. Dilbert had an epiphany.

“Are you seeing this!” yelled out Mr. Dilbert to the invisible but omni present observer behind the mirrored glass and motorized security camera lenses.

Mr. Dilbert clapped and cheered his son on putt after putt. Suddenly he scooped him up into his arms and carried him to the mirrored glass and pounding on it with his fist yelled out, “He’s not my son! He’s not my son!” which only caused the boy to burst into tears.

“No, no. Don’t cry Regit,” said Mr. Dilbert trying to comfort the boy from his comments while winking at the observer behind the mirrored glass. “Daddy didn’t mean it.”

“All that was 6 months ago,” said Mr. Dilbert reading the paternity test results for his son which came back 99.9 percent positive that he is the father, as he sat on the edge of the stained motel bed all alone teary-eyed with a pistol to his head staring at a photograph of his son on the nightstand across the room; fading police siren, gunshots and screams echoing in the distance. “Now the judge says I can’t see Regit ever again…Tiger Woods…you ruined more than one family…you ruined mine t -- BANG!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods Finally Picks Up New Sponsor: ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ Las Vegas Ad

Las Vegas, Nevada --

The rumor is that Tiger Woods has just finished shooting a commercial of him as the new spokesman for the famous ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ ads for Las Vegas. Reportedly, he took the job on the advice of his business manager not so much for the money, but in an attempt to stem the stampede of advertisers running out the front door.

“He had to take the gig,” said Tiger Woods’ business manager. “His established sponsors are leaving him like rats a sinking ship. Hopefully when they see that other reputable advertisers are willing to take their place, maybe they’ll change their minds and won’t leave.”

According to the director, who shot the 10-second spot that will begin airing Christmas Eve, the commercial was tastefully done.

“We were deliberate in our decision to be very considerate of Tiger Woods’ delicate situation,” said the director. “Careful not exploit the news of his infidelity, or tarnish the wholesome family values image of Las Vegas.”

Still photography of the commercial has Tiger Woods bare-chested riding on the back of an albino Siberian tiger towing a row of topless Las Vegas show girls on the end of a golden chain.

The caption above his head reading: “If I Would Have Done This in Las Vegas, You Probably Wouldn’t Be Seeing This Ad Right Now.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

LHC Physicist at CERN Denies Responsibility for “Giant Swirly Thingy” Over Norwegian Sky

Geneva, Switzerland --

“What? We didn’t do it,” said a particle physicist from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) before he was even asked a question by a small conclave of approaching reporters that tracked him down as he was preparing to leave his home with his family and all of their belongings that could fit into their European style subcompact car. “You know, not all inexplicable astrological phenomena A.K.A. the ‘Giant Swirly Thingy’ can be blamed on the LHC experiment at CERN. Besides, according to ‘String’ theory this was eventually going to happen anyways. It was just a matter of time...Time!”

Then reaching into the back seat of the car, grabbing a book out of the hands of his young daughter, the CERN physicist said to her. “Give me that roadmap.”

“But daddy,” protested the physicist’s daughter. “That’s no roadmap. That’s my ‘Alice in Wonderland’ book.”

“Not where we’re headed honey,” said the CERN physicist as he drove off to an undisclosed location where top ranking government officials, members of the military and his colleagues have been secretly building a microcosmic fleet of trans-dimensional inner space craft, capable of escaping this timeline should the Universe implode into itself; reduced to the size no larger than a snow pea. “It’s a roadmap to the future!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Thong Bikini Queen” Vida Guerra’s PSA Spot for Dental Floss Pulled by the ADA

Los Angeles, California --

A Public Service Announcement (PSA) was pulled today when it was learned that someone at the American Dental Association (ADA) inappropriately used funds when they invited on their own accord the queen of the thong bikini, Vida Guerra, to do a PSA spot promoting alternative uses for dental floss.

“I never knew he was doing it on his own,” said Vida Guerra from behind a pair of dark sunglasses like Jackie Onassis as she lay sunning herself on the veranda with her tanned voluptuous coconut buttered up buttocks pointed toward the clear blue Southern California sky like a beacon of debauchery and wanton excess of unrequited lust for all to see. “I just got a message on my voice mail from the ADA asking me if I would do the 10-second spot because they said I had great pair of teeth. Believe it or not, that’s not usually the first thing people notice about me…or ever come to think of it. I guess that’s why I said yes.”

When Vida Guerra arrived at the studio for the PSA shoot she was surprised at the director’s request that she wear the dental floss, and only the dental floss as her wardrobe.

“I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to wear the dental floss for a bikini,” said Vida Guerra as she sipped from her drink of mineral water from a long straw. “I told him, ‘I have thinner ones in my car.”

That is when the director of the PSA lunged at Vida Guerra, having to be physically restrained by other members of the studio crew.

Unfortunately, after review by the ADA board, the footage Vida Guerra had to be destroyed as it crossed the line of good taste, broke with commonly accepted community standards; considered a gross abuse of dental hygiene products.

“Viewing it alone constitutes a health code violation,” said one ADA board member.

“What’s the problem with you people?” rhetorically asked Vida Guerra as she reached back to pour more coconut butter on her already glistening brown derriere, squeezing out the white creamy contents from the plastic bottle and rubbing deep into her round highly pronounced and protruding butt cheeks “Women in Europe go to the beach topless. Those sluts. I might show a little ass but at least I have class and I keep my clothes on. After all, us women have to leave something to the imagination. Right?”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Meredith Baxter: “Hello! I said I’m gay! Is anybody out there?”

Santa Monica, California --

Former sitcom TV mom, Meredith Baxter, from the 1880s…sorry, from the 1980s show ‘Family Ties’ attempted to make the rounds on a second press junket after being knocked off the front pages and talks shows by the Tiger Woods sex scandal. However, after being turned down by booking agents, she had to settle for a press conference her manager arranged for her at the cliff side senior citizen center in Santa Monica, California.

“Hello,” said Meredith Baxter over the microphone as feedback echos crackled and popped over the captive audience of senior citizens. “Can everybody hear me? Good. You may all recognize me from my role as playing a straight mom on the TV show ‘Family Ties’. Well, I’d just like to come out and say that I’m gay now.”

“Hey, look everybody it’s that old spinster lady that always had her hair up from the ‘Facts of Life?” said one senior citizen. “Where’s our lunch anyways? I’m hungry. What’s taking so long?”

“No, no. You got me confused with someone else,” said Meredith Baxter as she fussed with her hair. “See, I wear my hair down. Not up…I played Michael J. Fox’s mother.”

“Oh, yeah,” yelled out one attendant from the back of the room. “I remember you.”

As carts slowly rolled out plastic lunch trays, Meredith Baxter desperately competed for the attention of the senior citizens which was now focused on the food being served.

“Hello!” sarcastically yelled out Meredith Baxter into the microphone, causing another feedback echo. “I said I’m gay! Is anybody out there?”

“What did she say?” asked a senior citizen of one of the attendants who was serving lunch.

“She said she was gay,” repeated the attendant.

"Lucky girl,” said the senior citizen. “I wish I had some Bengay, my rheumatism is acting up something awful.”

“No you old fool,” said another senior citizen. “She said she was gay! You know, like happy.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Salahi White House Crashers Turn Down Invitation To Meet Congress

Washington, D.C. --

After posing for international cameras at President Barack Obama's first White House State Dinner and then appearing on the nationally syndicated, the 'Today' show, the world's most famous party crashers, the Salahis, now refuse to appear before Congress, turning down engraved invitations to discuss how they bypassed several security checkpoints manned by the Secret Service.

With their attorney present, the Salahis called for a press conference in the White House Rose Garden to explain their reasons for refusing to appear before Congress.

"Where's the challenge?' said Mr. Salahi as he held up the Congressional invitation to the hearing on White House security up in the air, waving it above his head for all to see.

"Yeah," chimed Mrs. Salahi into the microphone. "If they really wanted us to appear, they should invited us and then immediately uninvited us."

Suddenly the Secret Service appeared, interpreting the Salahi press conference by asking them for proof of authorization to use the Rose Garden from the White House groundskeeper.

As the Salahis' attorney reached out his arm across the table placing his hand over the microphone, he whispers into the Salahis' ears.

Almost immediately, Mr Salahi stands and begins to putdown his pockets, while Mrs. Salahi begins searching her purse, dumping its entire contents on to the conference table.

"I just had it in my pocket a minute ago," says Mr. Salahi. "Did you get it, honey?"

"I thought you had it, dear?" replied Mrs. Salahi. "Wait! I get this email saying we could use the Rose Garden. Will that do?"

As the Secret Service agents confer over the authenticity of the email, the Salahis quietly get up from the press table and sneak into the White House.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Meredith Baxter Confesses: “How giving birth to Michael J. Fox made me gay.”

New York, New York --

“Well, not literally give birth to him, but his fictional conservative character, Alex P. Keaton, he portrayed on the show 'Family Ties,” said Meredith Baxter one of America’s favorite sitcom TV moms that admits that she has been living the lesbian lifestyle for the past seven years.

“I know people didn’t choose to be gay,” says Baxter. “But sometimes, some things…or as in my case, somebody, just drives you to it.”

As Baxter explained it, she never knew she had feelings for other women until seven years ago when she finally sat down to watch reruns of the 1980s sitcom on cable TV.

“I never watched the show before,” said Baxter, who has two grown biological children of her own, a product from a former heterosexual marriage. “So when I finally did, I was so repulsed by Michael J. Fox’s conservative character that I said to myself, ‘You got to make that up to the world somehow.”

Baxter got sick to her stomach when she realized that she acted as the surrogate mother, contributing to the rebirth of the conservative movement in the 1980s by bearing its poster child, Alex P. Keaton, in her womb.

“Now, I know how Rosemary felt in ‘Rosemary’s Baby,” said Baxter. “It just kills me to think how many kids Alex P. Keaton turned on to conservatism, making them think it was cool. I should’ve drowned him in the bathtub.”

After several days of soul-searching, while aboard a cruse ship with 1,200 other lesbians, Baxter came up with an idea.

“I got it!” said Baxter while having a midnight snack at the all-night, all-you-can-eat buffet. “I’ll make it up to the world by becoming a lesbian!”

Asked how being gay compared to being straight having experienced both lifestyles, Baxter replied: “Being a lesbian is just like being a straight woman, except without the fear of morning sickness, or having to put the seat down in the middle of the night.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Items Missing from The White House, says First Lady, Michelle Obama

Washington, D.C. --

Along with mini bars of soap, facial towels and silverware embossed with the Presidential Seal gone missing from the White House, Michelle Obama reported to the Secret Service today that she discovered the mattress from the Lincoln Bedroom is missing as well.

“Secret Services searched every part of the White House looking for the missing mattress from the Lincoln bedroom,” said a White House official. “But so far it has yet to be recovered. Needless to say, you can only imaging the, um, historical significance it represents to the First Lady.”

The White House went on to say that they did not want to point fingers, but the last ones seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom were the Salahis, though at a loss of words as to how they smuggled out the twin-size mattress without the hundreds of guests and security noticing.

“One of them must have strapped it to their back,” said the White House.

However, since so many lobbyists were in attendance at Obama’s first state dinner, the Salahis must have been mistaken as one of them and allowed to slip out without question.

In the meanwhile, President Obama has formed a special task force to search and find the missing Lincoln mattress. Until then, however, it is rumored that the First Lady has ordered him to sleep down stairs on the couch until it is safely returned.

“Listen,” reportedly said the president to the special task force over the phone. “Michelle and I need that mattress back. I can’t tell you the reason why. But let’s just say, the fate of the free world maybe riding on it.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Ghostbusters’ Attack Giant ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

New York, New York --

The ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon debut ended in tragedy today at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as four men identifying themselves as the ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang made an unscheduled appearance, attacking the giant gaseous nonporous bag with nuclear fusion reactors strapped to their backs, causing the balloon to explode in milliseconds.

Fortunately, the unprovoked assault took place once the parade was over sparing thousands of parade spectators and millions of TV viewers at home the violence. However, eyewitnesses of the incident did state the encounter was brief.

“The second those Ghostbusters let loose with their nuclear fusion reactors, it was over,” said one of the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon handlers that was holding on to a tether at the time of the assault, suffering extensive ear damage. “What? Did you say something to me?”

Arrested at the scene of the crime were: Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler and some Black dude [Winston Zeddmore].

At least two of the ‘Ghostbuster’ terrorist gang of four are suspected to be members of a sleeper terrorist cell leftover from the 1970s, belonging to a scripted comedy late night TV show known simply by the initials ‘SNL’, which authorities have yet to identify.

“They didn’t simply commit an act of vandalism,” said the office of the New York District Attorney. “By consciously using an unlicensed and unregistered nuclear powered device within the State of New York, the so-called ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang endangered the lives of us all.”

“Can I have a little powwow with the mayor about this?” reportedly requested Dr. Peter Venkman, the suspected leader of the terrorist cell, as he was being lead away by police and his equipment impounded. “I want to hand him the bill for this job in person. What, you’re arresting me? Now what kind of way is that to show your gratitude? I just saved New York City, again. A simple thank you would have sufficed. Now, come on guys. I’m not fooling around. Take these the handcuffs off me and lets talk this out, okay? Oh, listen man. I’d be very careful handling that if I were you. It might ex –"



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tom Turkey Refuses Obama’s Presidential Pardon; Demands Execution Instead

Washington, D.C. --

Braking with tradition today, Tom Turkey refused the annual Presidential pardon and demanded to be executed instead. Leaving White House officials scratching their heads as to what to do next.

“We’ve never had a turkey refuse a presidential pardon before,” hesitantly said a spokesman for the White House. “We…um, we never executed a turkey before, either.”

As President Obama called his advisers into the West Wing to discuss the matter, leaving Tom Turkey in the custody of the of his children out in the rose garden, former vice president, Dick Cheney called the White House.

“What the hell are you guys doing over!” said Mr. Cheney over the speakerphone. “These birds don’t want to be pardoned. They've been radicalized. They want to be martyrs. Just take an axe and lop that bird’s head off. …Or do you need me to do it?”

No response came from anyone in the West Wing as Obama had the back of his chair to his advisors and he stared out the window watching his daughters playing with the turkey.

Finally one of the president’s advisors stood up, walked over to the president and whispered into his ear.

“Better to do it now,” whispered the advisor. “Before they get too attached to the bird.”

The President nodded in agreement.

“Okay, Mr. Cheney,” said the advisor. “You win.”

“Good,” replied Mr. Cheney. “Have the bird ready out back. I’ll be by within the hour. I got to pickup a camera on the way to record this for Sarah Palin. She’s really into this sort of stuff.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Balloon Boy’ Escapes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Route

New York, New York --

It was supposed to be a healing moment for the nation but tragedy struck twice instead as the Balloon Boy once again held hostage our collective attention when during its debut in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade today, the flying saucer shaped helium filled figurine broke free of its tethers on live TV and floated away.

With even many more cameras and eyes watching back home than before, it was, however, the people lined along the parade route that watched with mouths opened, struck silent in total disbelief that were most traumatized, and most for the second time.

As the Balloon Boy drama continued to play out before them seemingly in slow motion, the crowd looked on helplessly as ever as the Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon handlers struggled to hold on to the giant flying saucer shaped helium filled figurine, only to lose control of it in the end when the lighter than air aircraft took flight on a gust of wind with the hearts and minds of a nation on aboard again.

“No! Not again!” screamed one woman in a state of hysteria as she ran the entire length of the parade route, ripping her clothing from her body along the way.

Later, police were able to able to subdue the hysterical woman, taking her into custody. Unfortunately, not without resorting to their batons first. Then their taser guns, second. Teargas third, before finally having to call in a SWAT team to take her down.

“Good news, though,” said parade officials of the single pregnant mother of three children. “She’s expected to make a quick recovery.”

All along the parade route increased police action was required as they responded to a wave of 911 cell phone calls from panicking parents unable to locate their children, fearing that their child had somehow climbed on aboard the Macy’ Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Boy Mylar UFO balloon craft and floated away.

“Chaos rapidly descended along with the other parade balloons,” said police, as parents began attacking the festive floating figurines and their handlers, flooding into the parade route calling out for their lost children.

Police responded by declaring the parade an unlawful assembly over their bullhorns.

“Even as police put on their riot gear, parents refused to disperse,” said one eyewitness who barely escaped with his life.

Instead parents continue to wonder and loiter about with fingers pointed to the sky, as every parent believed their child was aboard the wayward aircraft that floated high above the New York City skyline. Unfortunately, drifting into restricted airspace.

“Looking back now,” later reflected a spokesman for the Macy’s department store that originally sponsored the annual tradition to boost Christmas sales, as a squadron of fighter jets circled above and the crowd let out a collective scream. “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to enter the Balloon Boy balloon into the parade route this year…maybe it was just too soon.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘New Moon’ Can Cause Loss of Virginity; Unwanted Pregnancy in Teenaged Girls, Warns Surgeon General

Washington, D.C. --

'New Moon’ is not only well on its way to braking box office records but the hearts of countless teenaged girls along the way too -- If you believe the warning issued by the Surgeon General against under aged girls viewing the supernatural heartthrob movie without parental supervision, that is.

“We have received hundreds of complaints from parents throughout the nation and abroad of their teenaged daughters spontaneously losing their virginity and becoming pregnant shortly after watching the movie ‘New Moon,” said Alfred Smitt, spokesman for the office of the Surgeon General.

And in many of the cases, even during the movie, while the parents helplessly looked on.

“I took my 15 year-old daughter to go see ‘New Moon’ this weekend,” said Patricia Rockford, 34, and a single mother. “And sometime while watching Jacob on that big movie screen, my little baby became a woman. Right there in the dark. Before my very eyes.”

Miss Rockford says, like hundreds of accounts like hers, that by the time the movie was over, her daughter already started showing signs of pregnancy.

“She got morning sickness right there in the theater, puking in her tub of popcorn, ” said Miss Rockford. “And by the time the movie was over, my baby’s feet and ankles were swollen and her nose ballooned up, too.”

Miss Rockford had to call the ushers to help assist pull her daughter up from out of her movie seat and walk her down the aisle, she waddled so badly.

Later in the parking lot, with the ushers watching, Miss Rockford helped her teenage daughter give birth to a healthy baby boy in the backseat of their car.

“Wow!” commented one of the ushers. “I’ve only heard of this sort of thing happening at drive-in theaters. Like the Vineland in the City of Industry, California.”

The Office of the Surgeon General says they are doing all they can to prevent the loss of virginity and unwanted teen pregnancy by getting the word out, but the success of the ‘New Moon’ movie is nothing less then phenomenal.

“The Surgeon General is just overwhelmed,” said Mr. Smitt. “I mean have you seen Jacob without his shirt? The man has got muscles where I never knew it was possible to have muscles. I’ll just die if it’s a CGI [computer generated image] special effect. I’m going back to see it again right after work. Oh hell, I’ll just say I’m sick and go see it before then. Hey, maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow too.”

Physicians are at a loss as to what could be causing the spontaneous loss of virginity and equally unexplained pregnancies occurring in teenage girls that have seen the movie and still others that have just seen the trailers.

“As a man of science,” said Roger Shepard a physician on staff with the office of the Surgeon General. “Occam’s razor has taught me over the years that the simplest explanation is often the correct one. So I am inclined to conclude that Jacob’s muscular structure is a CGI special effect but that Edward’s is not. Go Team Edward!”

Psychologists theorize that the supernatural effects, although computer generated, are affecting the subconscious mind, awaking some untapped power from the id within us all; causing the manifestation of spontaneous loss of virginity, ‘Immaculate Conception’ and accelerated pregnancy.

“We decided to keep the baby,” said Miss Rockford, while playing with her daughter’s newborn baby boy and rubbing her swollen belly, obviously pregnant herself. “After all, little Jacob here, he can’t wait for little Edward to come out and play with him? -- No he can’t. No he can’t.”



Copyright © 2008-9 By Robert W. Armijo

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Picks ‘Balloon Boy’ Helium Filled Figurine As Its Centerpiece

New York, New York --

In the midst of our nation’s healing from the collective trauma we suffered at the hands of the Heene family, when we were all duped into believing their 6-year-old son, Falcon, was a stowaway aboard a homemade run away experimental aircraft, Macy’s ‘Thanksgiving’ parade planners have decided to add to the levity by taking a moment to address a serious topic: Mylar flying saucer shaped balloon parental abduction.

Macy parade planners consider what they are doing as a public service.

“It’s a giant floating PSA spot really,” said Helen Ryan, spokesman for the Macy’s ‘Thanksgiving’ Parade. “Letting the children know they have options.”

Options like letting children know that it is okay to say no to their parents, especially when they ask them to crawl into a flying saucer shaped Mylar balloon. Or go up in the attic above the garage and hid in a cardboard box for a couple hours from authorities for a poorly thought-out and executed publicity stunt to get a reality TV show of their own.

Mrs. Ryan went on to quote the statistics behind parental balloon abduction, justifying her decision to have the ‘Balloon Boy’ in this year’s Marcy’s Thanksgiving parade.

“This year, so far, there has been just the one case,” acknowledged Mrs. Ryan. ”But we are expecting at least one more like it to occur in our lifetime.”

However, in all this, we must not lose sight of what ‘Thanksgiving’ is all about, insists Mrs. Ryan.

“Thanksgiving’ should be a time when we bring the family altogether and count our blessings,” continued Mrs. Ryan. “And this year, we can all be thankful that we’re not an adolescent member of the Heene household…Oh yeah, and not only for the safe return of Little Falcon, but especially for his throwing up, not once but twice, on national TV, but also for his managing to spill the beans in the process as well.”

Below the giant helium filled ‘Balloon Boy’ figurine will be a float carrying the emergency rescuers that responded to the balloon boy 911 call, as well as the parents of Falcon Heene behind bars in effigy.


Copyright© 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Is Levi Johnston’s ‘Hockey Stick’ in Playgirl Photoshopped?

New York, New York --

Rumors abound emanating from behind the scenes of the Playgirl photoshoot of Levi Johnston that say his nude pix were Photoshoped to enhance his manhood. "He didn't really didn't pose with a hockey stick," alleges the photographer's assistant that took the nude photos of Levi Johnston. "It was a toothpick."

Evidently, it was Johnston’s idea to pose nude with his hockey stick. Believing it would suggest in the eye of the beholder both girth and length of his male member. Only it obstructed too much of his body.

As the photographer and Johnston went through the proofs, a mutual decision had to be made.

“Johnston was embarrassed when I suggested we use a toothpick instead,” said the photographer’s assistant. “But it was just the right size.”

Johnston even walked off the set he was so upset. However, the Playgirl photographer was able to bring him back by reaching a compromise with him.

“We Photoshopped the toothpick to look like his hockey stick,” said the photographer’s assistant.

It took two photoshoot sessions to complete, but in the end the photographer and his assistant were finally able to get the desired effects, using their software to manipulate hardware to slowly morph a toothpick into a hockey stick.

“Wow!” said Johnston expressing his satisfaction with the finished product. “I thought only my girlfriend could do that -- she’s going to a trade school to become a graphic artist.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Chris Brown Down at the YMCA

Burbank, California --

“Now y’all maybe wondering, along with the rest of my studio audience, why I’m wearing these bright red gloves, colorful shorts and tightly laced up shoes standing opposite of Chris Brown in this Olympic sized boxing ring here at the Burbank YMCA,” said Dr. Phil “While the answer is simple enough, I’m going to kick Mr. Brown’s ass.”

“What? Wait a minute,” said Chris Brown as he stood in the center of the ring face-to-face with Dr. Phil and a referee. “Is this what all this is…a bout? Is this why you had me dress up in this getup?”

As the referee officiated, relaying the rules of the match, Chris Brown noticed something peculiar about the referee’s line of sight.

“Hey, man. Why are you staring out into space like that?” asked Chris Brown of the referee. “Oh man! You’re blind, aren’t you?”

Dr. Phil then inserted his mouthpiece, gave a nod to a man sitting ringside that rang a bell, signaling the beginning of the first round.

Waving his gloved hands up in the air in disbelief, Chris Brown was unprepared as Dr. Phil landed the first punch. An upper cut right to Brown’s chin. Surprisingly, it had little to no effect.

Dr. Phil then circled Chris Brown with his head down low behind his gloves, bobbing and weaving.

A giant plasma screen above both their heads began to play a prerecorded message from Dr. Phil.

“If you look around the arena, Chris, you’ll notice that I have all my studio audience cheering me on in my section of the stands,” said Dr. Phil wearing a suit in the video. “While all you got some homeless man that just happened to wonder in to take a nap and that we promised to give a warm meal to, just to sit on your side of the arena and cheer you on.”

A homeless man rose to his feet and let out a cheer before coughing excessively and having to sit back down rubbing his back.

“So you think you can take me on?” said a defiant Chris Brown as he began shuffle his feet like a boxer and throw out punches inches away from Dr. Phil’s nose. “Well, what are you waiting for old man? Retirement? Bring it on!”

Chris Brown suddenly let loose a barrage of punches taking Dr. Phil and his studio audience by surprise.

Soon Dr. Phil was on the ropes by the end of the first round.

As the bell finally rang, the round girl came out holding up a sign indicating the number of rounds competed in the match so far – ‘ONE’ – on it, when Chris Brown struck her on the jaw with a knock out punch he intended for Dr. Phil, sending her flying into the arms of the homeless guy.

“Damn! Not again,” yelled out Chris Brown. “The judge is never gonna believe this one.”

“What?” said a semiconscious Dr. Phil still hanging onto the ropes in a daze. “You had enough already, punk?”

As Chris Brown exited the ring, jumping over the ropes, to attend to the young attractive lady he knocked out, the blind referee quickly felt his way to Dr. Phil by the sound his gowns and moans. Grabbing his arm and raising it up in the air declared him the winner by default for Chris Brown having left the ring.

“Let that be a lesson to you, Chris,” tried to moralize a punch drunk Dr. Phil with a swollen eye, cut lip and slurred speech. “Next time you hit a woman, you’ll have me to contend with…Contend with me. Ha, I just made a funny. Oh, I don’t feel so good. Can I lie down right here? Just for a moment?”

“I’m so sorry baby,” Chris Brown said to the still unconscious woman. “But you walked into it, baby…Just like -- ”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Jon and Kate Plus 8” Move to Mexico to Save Their Marriage?

Baja California, Mexico --

Rumor has it that Jon and Kate have formed their own production company and have moved to Mexico to save their marriage...and their show. But some critics say the real motive behind the move is to avoid the strict child labor laws that Jon has accused the former production company of violating.

"Jon and Kate are looking at this time away from the every watchful eye of the media, and the child labor laws the U.S., as a healing time," confirmed the Gosselin's recently hired publicist. "A last chance to save their marriage, if you will."

Reportedly, Kate is already home schooling the children that are still too young to work at the local maquiladora (mill) on the U.S./Mexico International Boarder, while Jon drives the others that are old enough to work in the early predawn hours.

"That's not completely true," says Kate insisting that she was never just a stay-at-home wife back in the states, so why should she start now that she is living in Mexico. "I only home school the kids half a day. The rest of it, I throw them in the back of the car, hand them each a box filed with those tiny colorful packs of square candy-gum and drop them off on the street corner."

Kate says that it satisfies one of the 4-H Club junior entrepreneur requirements that home schooling accepts as credit for its home economics course.

"That's if Carlos [a local 16-year-old thug] doesn't cut any of them for encroaching on his territory," says Kate.

"But if they do get cut," adds Kate, always looking on the bright side of things. "Then the other kids will have an opportunity to earn their Fist-Aid merit badge for patching each other up."

Meanwhile, Jon forgets to pick up the kids he left at the maquiladora earlier in the morning, because he is too busy having a drink with a pretty little senorita at the local Cantina (sports bar).

"Believe me, knowing Jon, she's no senorita any more," says Kate as she flashes her high beams in a darken alleyway chasing away Carlos, who had the kids cornered with a knife, their backs against the wall. "Stop playing around with Carlos and get the damn car! Pronto! Your daddy forgot to pick up your bother and sisters at the maquiladora. And heard coyotes howling in the background again."

"Do you need any help seniora Gosselin?" Carlos yells out.

"No thanks, Carlos," replied Kate as she pulled out of the alley. "But macho gracias just the same."

Oblivious to the time, back at the Cantina, Jon continues to lament his life to anyone who will listen.

"By the looks of me, you'd say I'm a young man," said an inebriated Jon to a young attractive Mexican woman sitting at the end of the bar. "But do you know how many kids I have?"

"No senior, how many?" politely asks the senorita as she stirs her drink.

"Eight!" replies Jon, throwing another shot of tequila down his throat.

"Just eight?" responds the young senorita, looking confused.

"For the last time, stay in the damn car kids! And keep those windows rolled up!" yells out Kate as she struggles to hold off a pack of coyotes (which are multiplying by the minute) with only a road flare in hand. "I'll be right back with your brothers and sisters. The tracks look like they were dragged off in this direction. Hopefully to the same shallow den again...And don't you dare call your daddy on that cell phone! I can handle this alone; I've had eight kids. I can do anything. Oh, and don't turn on the lights in the car, or you'll lower the battery like the last time!"


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

YouTube’s Masturbating Playboy Bunny Gets Psychoanalyzed on the Dr. Phil Show

Burbank, California --

"Now, I for one believe you when you say you can't physically restrain yourself from masturbating," said a sympatric Dr. Phil to YouTube's masturbating Playboy Bunny. "I mean just take a look at you...who could? I know I couldn't. Hell if I had a body like yours, I wouldn't even get out of bed."

Dr. Phil then reached out to touch the knee of the Playboy Bunny and leaning over to her during commercial break, asking her some questions.

"You say you constantly feel the need to masturbate? Is that right?" asked a disbelieving Dr. Phil of the sexy vixen.

The Playboy Bunny coyly nodded her head in the affirmative.

"Do you feel the need right now?" asked a surprised Dr. Phil withdrawing his hand from the young attractive woman's knee.

Again, the Playboy Bunny nodded her head and then without a spoken word she rose up and walked over to a light green "Port-A-Potty" placed on the stage behind her.

As the show came back from commercial break, Dr. Phil addressed the studio audience and viewers at home with an empty guest seat and low groans coming from the "Port-A-Potty".

"As you saw earlier before we went to commercial break," said a nervous Dr, Phil. "My guest today is the Playboy Bunny that has appeared on YouTube admitting to her personal problem with masturbation."

Just then the Playboy Bunny exited the "Port-A-Potty" and rejoined Dr. Phil, sitting at his side.

"Forgive me for asking you such a personal question, but I am a trained medical professional who will not judge you for your lifestyle decisions," said Dr. Phil as he wiped his hand on his pants, after shaking hands with the Playboy Bunny. "But while you were just in there...now how do I put this...were you choking the chicken, slapping the monkey....In short, pleasuring yourself again?"

"More like playing 'Hello Kitty, Dr. Phil," final spoke up the Playboy Bunny as he began to nervously cross her legs. "But it's not really me who wants to masturbate all the time."

"Well, who is it then?" replied Dr. Phil laughing along with the audience.

"No. I'm serious," said the Playboy Bunny as she held up her right hand. "It forces me to masturbate. I just run off into any room to hide. So that no body sees it doing what it does to me."

Dr. Phil then stopped laughing and took a closer look, examining the hand in detail.

"It starts with a slight tremor," explained the Playboy Bunny to a now dumbfounded captive audience. "Then slowly brushes the side of my face, running the back of its fingers against my neck, caressing my breasts before moving on between my legs."

"Excuse me," said Dr. Phil to the Playboy Bunny. "But I couldn't help notice that your right hand is starting to twitch. Does that mean you're feeling the need to...umm, relieve yourself right now?"

Biting her lower lip, the Playboy Bunny just nodded her head and ran off to the "Port-A-Potty" again.

While the Playboy Bunny was in the "Port-A-Potty" masturbating, Dr. Phil did his best to explain the possible medical causes of the Playboy Bunny's condition but no one, including the cameraman, was paying attention. All eyes and cameras remained focused on the "Port-A-Potty" as moans and groans that were even more pronounced than before emanated from inside.

"You see, I believe my guest is inflected with the rare disease called 'Phantom Hand Syndrome' which usually results in a person's own hand, being it the right or left, to choke the individual to death," said Dr. Phil over the din of the siren cries of ecstasy.

As the "Port-A-Potty" began to slowly rock back-and-forth, beads of sweat gathered on Dr. Phil's forehead and upper lip as he stood on the stage, just listening along with the rest of the audience to the animal like grunts and growls.

Finally, as the show returned from commercial break and the Playboy Bunny showed no sign of letting up, Dr. Phil had no choice, but to pull up his chair alongside the rocking "Port-A-Potty" and continue with his interview.

"Are y'all okay in there?" asked Dr. Phil, putting a microphone up to the "Port-A-Potty" door.

"Yes! Yes!" screeched out the Playboy Bunny from behind the green "Port-A-Potty" door. "Oh, yes!"

A few moments later, the Playboy Bunny came out again and resumed her interview with Dr. Phil to a stunned and somewhat flustered studio audience. However, as soon as she sat down, her left hand now began to tremor.

"Oh, no!" cried out the Playboy Bunny. "Not the left one too."

Again the young attractive women raced to the "Port-A-Potty", while the studio audience wiggled uncomfortably in their seats, now fanning themselves with their hands.

"Now, normally I caution my audience to refrain from ingesting tobacco products," said Dr. Phil speaking directly to the studio audience, while he reached into his coat pocket pulling out a pack of cigarettes. "But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception. Smoke them if you got them. This could be a very, very long show."


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Blames 40 Years of Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster for Kid Obesity

Burbank, California --

"You do realize that some critics hold you solely responsible for the current epidemic of obesity in American children today," said Dr. Phil as he spoke with Sesame Street's 'Cookie Monster'. "Now I wouldn't go that far as to blame just you. Diet and heredity has a lot to do with kids gaining weight, too. But, and that's a big but, no pun intended, I do hold your eating disorder and obsession with cookies in particular partially responsible. After all you have been on TV for 40 years influencing and shaping young minds."

Dr. Phil then went on to show a montage of video footage of The Cookie Monster eating cookies throughout the years, while on Sesame Street. Including a few PSA spots the Cookie Monster did trying to reverse the negative impact he had on children’s diets and improve his own health as well. That is before he fell off the wagon. Returning to his eating disorder and obsession with cookies.

Dr. Phil then paused the video.

“Now here is what I’m talking about when I say eating disorder,” said Dr. Phil. “You’re not even eating those cookies, you’re just wolfing those suckers down your throat. In fact, most of them are not even being eaten. They’re just ending up as crumbs on the floor. Yet you continue to eat like there is no tomorrow. And guess what today is? Tomorrow. And yesterday is over. I’m going to help you Cookie Monster. I’m going help you from you.”

Dr. Phil then handed the Cookie Monster a copy of his latest diet book, “How to Stop Your Inner Child from Raiding the Cookie Jar”.

“For me?” said the Cookie Monster, as he held it in front of him examining it closely. “No one ever gave book to Cookie Monster, only cookies and letters from alphabet. Never words all together in book.”

“Yes,” said Dr. Phil. “It's all for you.”

“Too bad Cookie Monster never learned how to read in over 40 years on show,” said the Cookie Monster as he began to sniff the book. “Otherwise, Cookie Monster would sit down in front of fireplace and snuggle up with book, instead of just milk and cookies.”

“My God,” said Dr. Phil. “You mean to say you’re illiterate too?”

“What mean the word you say, 'illiterate?” asked the Cookie Monster as he began to rip the pages out of the book and eat them.

“Never mind that,” said Dr. Phil as he reached over trying to take away the book from the Cookie Monster. “Stop eating my book. You stupid beast!”

“You just like the rest on Sesame Street,” said the Cookie Monster, while continuing to eat pages from Dr. Phil’s diet book. “They never teach Cookie Monster how to read. That make Cookie Monster nervous. And when Cookie Monster gets nervous. Cookie Monster needs to eat cookies!”

As Dr. Phil got up to chase the Cookie Monster around the studio, the Cookie Monster would momentarily pause pointing to signs asking what they meant.

“What that sign say?” asked the Cookie Monster of himself staring at an applause sign. “Cooke Monster don’t know. That make Cookie Monster nervous. So Cookie Monster eat another cookie!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween Hospital X-Ray Finds Chupacabra Hiding Inside Pillowcase Instead of Candy

Los Cruxes, New Mexico --

Forget finding a razorblade inside an apple; try a chupacabra hiding inside your pillowcase of Halloween candy instead. Well, that is exactly happen to 13-year-old Little Johnny Myers in a small rural town 100 miles outside of Armijo, New Mexico, as the crow flies.

“Even though we’re living in a town that can’t afford electricity, running water or even a name, I always try to make Little Johnny feel like he’s not missing out on anything,” said Helen Myers, 29, and a single mother, who drives her son in the back of her pickup truck 20 miles to the nearest neighbors so he can ‘Trick-or-Treat’.

It is believed that sometime while Little Johnny was walking back to his mother’s old pickup truck, after getting his candy form the neighbor house, that the chupcabra snuck into his pillowcase to eat all his candy inside.

“I thought Little Johnny just had too much candy inside is all,” said Ms. Myers, as she witnessed her son dressed up as Max from ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ struggle to carry his pillowcase and throw it into the back. “After all, the Gomez family is our only stop and they do try to make it worth the trip.”

However, when Ms. Myers looked into her rearview mirror and saw her son still struggling with his pillowcase -- that by now was now wiggling and rolling in the flatbed -- she knew something was up.

“That’s when I told Little Johnny to hold on, we’re going to he hospital to get that sack of candy x-rayed,” said Ms. Myers.

While waiting in the emergency room lobby, Little Johnny had to run after his pillowcase. Having to tackle it even, to prevent it from escaping.

Later as a doctor, nurse and orderly struggled to pry the pillowcase of candy from Little Johnny’s arms to x-ray it, he put up such a fight they had to take the x-ray with Little Johnny still holding on to his sack of candy.

“Even after we showed Little Johnny the x-ray of the empty pillowcase because the Chupacabra inside ate up all his candy, he wouldn’t let go,” said the attending physician.

With the chupacabra sound asleep in his pillowcase Little Johnny walked out into the parking lot, while his mother took care of the medical bill.

By the time Ms. Myers got outside, Little Johnny had strung up his pillowcase to a nearby tree and was swinging away at it with a stick.

“Stop that Little Johnny!” cried out Ms. Myers. But it was too late.

Soon Little Johnny had all his Halloween candy back in his custody again, even if he had to pick it up off the ground.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween White House Still Handing Out Eye Candy To Nation

Washington, D.C. --

Standing at the front entrance of the White House with the first lady faithfully at his side handing out Halloween candy, Barack Obama, dressed as himself, was criticized not only by Republicans this time around, but by an ever-growing chorus of Democrats and Independent voices too, as an imposter; merely disguising as the president of change he promised he would be and has yet to fulfill.

Meanwhile, not missing a beat to forward their causes, lobbyists bribed little kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins waiting in line to see the president, stealing their store bought and homemade costumes and chance to get White House candy away from them.

“You know when I promised the American people transparency, I meant it,” proudly said Barack Obama, as he posed for a photo op dropping candy into overfilled extended pillowcases, while leaving others empty yet to be filled.

“Trick or Treat?’ Mr. President,” said the lobbyists, still disguised as kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins.

“Oh, kids come on in,” said Obama, inviting the lobbyists inside the White House. “Help yourself to anything you want.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

U2 Fans Miss Concert at Rose Bowl Standing in Line for H1N1 Flu Shot by Mistake

Pasadena, California --

Several dozen U2 fans throughout Pasadena mistakenly queued up in a H1N1 flu shot line today, thinking they were waiting for the music concert. “We saw the long line and thought it was for the U2 concert,” said a fan of the Irish rock band. “So we jumped out of the car and got in it.”

Hours later, after they all got their H1N1 vaccination, the U2 fans learned of their mistake.

“We were so bummed out,” said one U2 fan speaking for the rest all rubbing their left arms.

That was until Bono heard of their plight and sent a limo to pick them up and gave them backstage passes to attend an after concert party at the Rose Bowl. As they gather backstage, Bono suddenly appeared with entourage not of fans and groupies, but reporters and news photographers.

“I want to thank these special fans,” said Bono, while he hugged two of the U2 fans on either side of him that just got their flu shot by accident. “For their role in bring up social awareness of the H1N1 flu shot vaccination program in America... America. It’s people like these that make a difference in the world. They’re the real heroes.”

Then, just as they all posed for a group photo, someone quickly handed Bono another humanitarian of the year award.

“Wait,” said Bono as all at the backstage party fell silent. “Is that a little kitty I hear in distress stuck up a tree somewhere? Sorry folks duty calls. The Edge, Adam and Larry, I’ll see y-all at our next concert.”

With a single leap, bound and flap of his black leather jacket, Bono soared off into the sky.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Balloon Boy Hoax Planned by Dad Since Son’s Birth?

Fort Collins, Colorado --

Police are seriously entertaining the theory that the Colorado balloon boy hoax was planned since the birth of the child at the center of the windstorm. Birth certificate documentation found at the Heene family residence reveals that several names were considered for the alleged airborne child, all crossed out, which was the first clue for police.

“Millennium Falcon, Cosmos and Yob were among many names that were crossed out on the hospital birth certificate application,” said police.

Home videos sized from the household also seems to support the police theory of a father obsessed with measuring his son’s physical dimensions in preparation for his voyage flight.

Allegedly they show Richard Heene measuring his son several times daily throughout the years.

“We haven’t reviewed all the videos yet,” said police. ”However, of those that we have seen clearly show a father overly concerned with the boy’s weight and height.”

Police say Mr. Heene is recorded on video constantly weighing his son on the bathroom scale, tossing him high in the air and feeding him a special diet rich in whole grains, high protein and low carbohydrates.

“Mr. Heene would even sneak up on the boy and when he wasn’t looking, measured him,” said police. “Even while the boy was asleep, Mr. Heene could be seen on video pulling off the covers and pulling out a measuring tape to size up the boy.”

Police also took into custody the side of a doorway at the family residence where the balloon boy’s height was meticulously recorded several times daily, while cries from the other two boys to be measured as well were virtually ignored.

“Look at me dad! I’m growing too! Measure me! Measure me!” say the boys on the video.

“It all looks harmless enough,” said police. “Until the balloon boy reached the height and weight of an average and a height and weight of 6-year-old boy.”

Police say engraved in the wood just above the last height measurement taken, the day hoax was perpetrated, was a crude drawing of a “flying saucer” and the words written above it: “Time for the Money Shot!”

Fortunately for the balloon boy, his father was not much of an engineer.

“No way that thing was built for a 6-year-old boy,” said police. “A 6-month-old, sure. No problem.”

Police are currently searching for any additional Heene family birth certificates in the hall of record from adjacent counties and states.

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tracy Morgan’s Tell-All Book: Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!

New York, New York --

“I’m not the least bit gun shy when it comes to unloading all the dirty laundry of my fellow former SNL cast members,”’ said Tracy Morgan on his recent promotional tour for his book '‘I Am the New Black'’ about his rise from the mean streets of New York City to an Emmy Award nominated actor in Hollywood for his performance on "30 Rock’'. In which some argue he pretty much continues to play himself.

“Why the hell not? They’d do it to me in a New York second, too,” continued Morgan. “Pop a cap in my ass, if I wasn’t looking. I know they would. I just happened to be the one to do it first, which makes me look like the bad guy? But I’m not too worried about that.”

Turning his head from side-to-side, checking to see if no else is looking, Tracy Morgan makes a gun gesture, using his index finger and thumb, adding with a wink, “Tracy Morgan takes care of Tracy Morgan. You know what I mean?”

Insisting that his story is more than a story of rags to riches, Tracy Morgan says, “My story is a story about going from hags to bitches.”

In his new tell-all book, which comes with a special introduction by Maya Angelou in which she dedicates a new poem to him entitled: ‘I Fall’; Tracy Morgan begins his sortie claiming Tina Fey of all things has a chronic foot odor problem.

“Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!” said Tracy Morgan. “And all the time, too.”

Tracy Morgan writes that during SNL read-throughs, Tina Fey would often kickoff her stiletto heels. Only for him to threaten Lorne Michaels that he would walkout, if he did not get her to put her shoes back on.

“Don’t get me wrong I love women’s feet. And believe me Tina has some fine looking feet. But you got to sneak up on them, holding your nose just to get a peek,” writes Morgan, dedicating an entire chapter to the subject. “Women’s feet shouldn’t smell like feet. Only men’s feet should smell like feet.”

Morgan goes on to profess his love for Tina Fey as well, especially for writing him a permanent role on ‘30 Rock’ as the other adorable self-centered insensitive stereotypical male chauvinist pig, opposite Alec Baldwin’s character.

“I love you Tina,” continues Morgan. “You know you’re my girl. And I got your back, but you got to get your smelly feet some medical attention. Go to the ER, girl. Or go see a Catholic priest or something. Maybe even get them amputated.”

Later, Tracy Morgan prided himself on curing Tina Fey’s alleged foot odor problem on the set of ’30 Rock’ at least temporarily, claiming the condition is a lot like the hiccups.

“So one night, when the crew all went home,” confessed Morgan. “And Tina Fey was alone working late, I went down stairs to the underground parking lot and waited for her there.”

Wearing a black ski mask and carrying a rubber knife he barrowed from the prop department, Tracy Morgan hid behind Tina Fey’s car, waiting for her to come down stairs. And when she did, he jumped up behind her, causing her to faint.

“Now Tina doesn’t have smelly feet no more,” said Tracy Morgan. “Although she does have to go to the bathroom every time she sees me. Oh, and sometimes she cries, too. But I can live with that.”

Tracy Morgan’s tell-all book is not just about the shortcomings of his fellow 'Not Ready for Primetime Players', however. He takes a few chapters to remove the rafter from his own eye as well.

While on SNL, Morgan enjoyed dressing up like Maya Angelou.

“It felt good to walk in the high heel shoes of a powerful Black woman,” Morgan said. “It empowered me as a Black man, though I didn’t like it when Lorne hit on me while I was in character. I would have punched him or said something at the time, but I didn’t want to lose my job.”

After that, Tracy Morgan was always made to feel as if he was invisible by some of his fellow SNL cast members.

“I don’t know how they found out I had superpowers of invisibility,” said Tracy Morgan. “But they did.”

Tracy Morgan says that he did not mind his fellow SNL cast members knowing that he had the power of invisibility, only that they used it against him.

“They’d ignore me even when I wasn’t invisible,” said Morgan. “And that hurt me in the heart sometimes. But most of the time, it just pissed me off, making me [BLEEP] mad.”

Tracy Morgan’s book would be incomplete if he did not have a few words to say about his mentor, Lorne Michaels.

“Lorne Michaels is cool,” said Morgan. “For a Canadian. Believe it or not, he smells like bacon and [BLEEP]. I love [BLEEP], so he’s okay.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL Catches Hell for Its Obama 'Nothing' Skit

New York, New York --

Looking, sounding and acting conspicuously much less convincing than any of his first impersonations of then presidential candidate Barack Obama last season, a brave Fred Armisen nevertheless went on Saturday Night Live (SNL) delivering a political skit that perhaps he sensed have become much expected of the 'Not Ready for Prime Time Players' lately. Lending to the show through their talented performances, whether earned of not, its reputation of being the country's cracker barrel form which it draws its political insights and perhaps even strength, not through acts of violent protest, but rather through peaceful more effective laughter in the face of an age of rendition.

Only this time around unlike SNL's Barack Obama skits from last season, which portrayed him through exaggeration, as a Superman that could change the world for the good. It now dared portrayed him without his super suit and cape. The 'Man of Steel' unmasked, naked and exposed for his mortal shortcomings, a shill of his superhero self. Just like anyone of the rest of us.

"It's unfair for SNL to portray Obama like that," echoed the sentiment of liberal talk radio show hosts that took to the airwaves with their discontent, equally between Fred Armisen version of Obama and the SNL satirical comedy sketch critiquing the president's performance in office so far. "He has only had nine months in office. Besides Fred Armisen didn't even look or sound like Obama. Where's Tina Fey anyways? Can't Lorne Michaels bring her back to do Sarah Palin again?"

"I can personally assure you, SNL has only one political objective: comedy," said a spokesman for Lorne Michaels, the show's creator and executive producer. Lorne Michaels himself stood right next to the spokesman at the podium, whispering in his ear what too say at the news conference.

"Now, we all had a good laugh at the last administration and the Republican Party," said the spokesman, having to pause from time to time to allow Lorne Michaels to lean over and continue to whisper into his ear. "But one would think that after nine months the new administration would...own it. Besides, have you seen the tax bracket... I'll fall into if he lets the tax cuts on the rich expire? It's...ludicrous. I can't take that out of my writers'... salaries. All of them are months behind in their... dressing room rent as it is now, or drawing on payday advances, so they don't have to go to the NBC commissary...dumpster to get a hot meal."

Lorne Michaels went on to say, through his spokesman, that SNL would continue to poke fun of any administration that threatens the national integrity of his beloved country, Canada, or his tax bracket in the United States of America.

"SNL exposed him [Obama] as the politician that he has become, or that he was all along. That's all," said a disillusioned Obama supporter. "But then again, he is better than what we had before. But for how long?"

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo