Osama bin Laden Falls Victim to SNL’s "Land Shark" Comedy Skit

Around The World --

Initial reports are still kind of sketchy at this time, however, it is rumored that Osama bin Laden spent his last breath laughing himself to death when he opened his bedroom door at his million dollar Pakistani compound hideout, a victim basically to an old modified knock-knock joke.

Apparently, Osama arose from his mattress to answer his bedroom door only to find a U.S. Special Forces Navy SEAL dressed in an old "Land Shark" costume from a Saturday Night (SNL) comedy skit of the same name, aiming the business end of a barrel of a machinegun at his head.

"Finger on a hairline trigger, ready to fire at close range a ‘Double Tap’ shot: one to the head and the other to the chest," said a spokesman from the State Department.

"You guys are really great," Osama reportedly said in a familiar and relaxed tone as he turned his back, reaching under his mattress pulling out wads of cash. "The best yet, ever! You know, you guys really had me fooled this time. If it weren’t for your silly ‘Land Shark’ suits, I really would’ve thought you were really Americans, finally coming to get me. Now here, take this money and leave your report on how I can improve my compound security on the living room table on your way out. I’ll review it first thing in the morning."

However, when the SEAL repeated his orders for Osama to surrender, suddenly he realized something was wrong and instinctively reached for his AK-47.

Just then, the SEAL enveloped the head and upper torso of Osama, using the mouth of his SNL "Land Shark" costume to consume him.

Later, the body was disposed at sea.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Katy Perry’s Elmo T-Shirt on SNL a Last Minute Backstage Gift from Elmo?

New York, New York --


Moments before going on the air during last weekend’s Saturday Night Live (SNL) to help out with a last minute thrown together comedy skit, allegedly Elmo showed up at Katy Perry’s dressing room. Bearing a gift that would not only add to the controversy of their canceled video (previously scheduled to be shown on PBS), but ultimately would result in her getting banned from ever appearing on “Sesame Street” altogether.

“Knock, knock,” said Elmo as he intermittently giggled to himself, while standing outside Katy Perry’s dressing room door holding a box wrapped in red colored paper and tied up with a velvet red bow with gold trimming. “Guess [giggle], guess who?”

Katy Perry got up from her dresser seat to open the door, immediately recognizing the voice. She was already dressed in her SNL costume, which consisted of a low button white cotton blouse, black framed eyeglasses and a provocatively short parochial plaid schoolgirl skirt.

Upon opening the door Katy Perry grabbed the present out of Elmo’s hands and ripped into it on the spot.

“Oh my God,” said Katy Paerry as she held up the contents of the tattered box in her hands: a T-shirt bearing the likeness of Elmo’s red furry face, bulbs orange nose and bug-like eyes. “You shouldn’t have.”

“It’s for you, Miss Katy,” said a seemingly anxious Elmo as he grabbed the T-shirt away from Katy Perry holding it above his head while running around the dressing room. “To wear right now. Yes, yes. To wear right now [giggle]. Right now, now.”

“But Elmo, I’m already dressed,” said Katy Perry. She could see the disappointment in Elmo’s face, which gave her pause.

“Well,” continued Katy Perry, as she reconsidered. “I guess there’s still time to change -- Here. Give it to me.”

Seconds later, Katy Perry emerged from a screened partition wearing the Elmo T-shirt. However, as she modeled it for Elmo, she caught a reflection of herself in her dresser mirror and noticed the T-shirt was two sizes too small. And that it had been altered, low cut in the middle, revealing her cleavage. Risqué even for late night TV, she thought to herself.

“Elmo, where did you get this T-shirt?” asked Katy Perry as a note of hesitation in her voice echoed from inside the truncated garment, while she fudged with it. Trying to adjust it. Trying to make herself fit into it. Then struggled just to stay in it.

Elmo did not answer right away. Instead he dithered about the room, running his scarlet mitten of a hand along the dresser top.

“I…” replied Elmo, the three-foot tall ruby red master manipulator, guilt-invoking, smooth operator. “I made it especially for you, Miss Katy. Why? Doesn’t Miss Katy like what Elmo made for her?”

Once again, a look of disappointment appeared on Elmo’s face, overwhelming Katy Perry's sense of better judgment to the point that she just could not bring herself to deny that adorable red ball of fur anything that he asked of her.

“No, no,” said Katy Perry as she continued to struggle to keep herself contained in the modified two sizes too small Elmo T-shirt. “I love what you made for me. It’s just…just that I can barely breathe in it. It’s so tight.”

“So Miss Katy will wear Elmo’s T-shirt then?” asked an opened mouth Elmo.

“Yes, Elmo…” said an all too-ready-to-please and nearly out of breath Katy Perry as she used hairpins to anchor the Elmo T-shirt to her body piercings. “Miss Katy…will wear the Elmo T-shirt.”

“Yippee!!!” said Elmo as he began running around the dressing room again, unable to contain his excitement.

Meanwhile, Katy Perry quickly discovered that the only way to keep air circulating in her lungs was if she kept jumping up and down. Soon, one of Katy Perry’s body piercings gave way, and she experienced a wardrobe malfunction.

“Oh my God!” said Katy Perry as she wrapped her arms around her exposed breasts in a futile attempt to conceal them. “You didn’t see that? Did you Elmo?”

“See what?” said Elmo in a somewhat detached monotone voice and who was no longer running around the room. But stopped dead in his tracks, standing motionlessly behind Katy Perry. “Elmo didn’t see anything. Nothing at all [forced giggle].”

“Oh good,” said a somewhat unsettled and still panting Katy Perry as she readjusted her Elmo T-shirt, tucking herself back into it.

Katy Perry then caught the image of Elmo in her mirror, still standing silently behind her. Fixated in an almost trance like state. Just staring at her, which sent a chill down her spine.

“You know, Elmo,” Katy Perry nervously spoke. “I…I, ah, think I’m going to wear the white blouse instead, okay? Hey, where did it go?”

Just then a knock came at the door. Katy Perry motioned as if she was going to get up to answer it, but Elmo beat her to it.

“One minute to air time,” said an ambiguous male voice from the other side.

“Too late, Miss Katy,” replied Elmo as he raced to the door, ready to open it for her. “You got to wear Elmo’s modified two sizes too small T-shirt now [giggle].”

“You know,” said Katy Perry to Elmo as she passed by him jumping up and down. “I’ve been meaning to tell you. The way you refer to yourself in the third-person is really beginning to creep me out.”

“Ha-ha,” laughed Elmo as he opened the door. “Miss Katy make Elmo laugh out loud.”



Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL’s Amy Carter Skit Criticized for Setting Controversial Precedent (i.e. Fast Forward: ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’)

New York, New York --

Saturday Night Live (SNL) has fallen under heavy criticism for its ‘Amy Carter Goes to Public School’ skit, which has been characterized by critics as insensitive, inappropriate, if not disrespectful, and should have never been aired.

“We’re talking about the President’s daughter here,” said one displeased SNL viewer calling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza to complain along with thousands of others. “She’s just a child. And no child deserves be used as either the butt or punch line of someone’s joke. No matter how much of a public figure the child’s father is.”

NBC says it never received so many complaints from their viewing audience before.

“Not since we took ‘Star Trek’ off the air nearly ten years ago,” said one concerned NBC executive.

“President Carter’s decision to send his daughter to a public school guarded by the Secret Service was the inspiration behind the comedy sketch,” explained an NBC spokesman. “His critics contend that it was an unjustified expense of taxpayers’ dollars and an intrusion into Amy Carter’s life as well as that of her classmates.”

In the comedy skit drawing all the fire, Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) is accompanied by two daunting Secret Service Agents (Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd) wearing dark suits, eyeshades and hidden walkie-talkie earpieces, standing at both sides of her desk in a classroom filled with other children after her father, President Jimmy Carter, insists that she attend public school instead of a private one.

Outraged by the complaints received for the skit, a protective Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of the late night scripted comedy TV show, vowed he would not allow anybody to intimidate his SNL writers.

“That’s my job,” said Lorne Michaels.

NBC’s legal department confirmed the controversial skit had been cleared for airing through its censor in advance, all according to policy and without incident.

“That should be enough, man,” said a SNL writer who collaborated on the creative work. “Beside, who knows, maybe one day there will be a Blackman in the White House who has kids. Can you dig that? And not placing an antic disposition on them like we did with little Amy Carter would be hypocritical, man.”

“If that day ever comes, I don’t mind risk having to place my SNL writers in the awkward position of being misperceived as racists,” said Lorne Michaels. “Better them than me.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Tracy Morgan’s Tell-All Book: Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!

New York, New York --

“I’m not the least bit gun shy when it comes to unloading all the dirty laundry of my fellow former SNL cast members,”’ said Tracy Morgan on his recent promotional tour for his book '‘I Am the New Black'’ about his rise from the mean streets of New York City to an Emmy Award nominated actor in Hollywood for his performance on "30 Rock’'. In which some argue he pretty much continues to play himself.

“Why the hell not? They’d do it to me in a New York second, too,” continued Morgan. “Pop a cap in my ass, if I wasn’t looking. I know they would. I just happened to be the one to do it first, which makes me look like the bad guy? But I’m not too worried about that.”

Turning his head from side-to-side, checking to see if no else is looking, Tracy Morgan makes a gun gesture, using his index finger and thumb, adding with a wink, “Tracy Morgan takes care of Tracy Morgan. You know what I mean?”

Insisting that his story is more than a story of rags to riches, Tracy Morgan says, “My story is a story about going from hags to bitches.”

In his new tell-all book, which comes with a special introduction by Maya Angelou in which she dedicates a new poem to him entitled: ‘I Fall’; Tracy Morgan begins his sortie claiming Tina Fey of all things has a chronic foot odor problem.

“Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!” said Tracy Morgan. “And all the time, too.”

Tracy Morgan writes that during SNL read-throughs, Tina Fey would often kickoff her stiletto heels. Only for him to threaten Lorne Michaels that he would walkout, if he did not get her to put her shoes back on.

“Don’t get me wrong I love women’s feet. And believe me Tina has some fine looking feet. But you got to sneak up on them, holding your nose just to get a peek,” writes Morgan, dedicating an entire chapter to the subject. “Women’s feet shouldn’t smell like feet. Only men’s feet should smell like feet.”

Morgan goes on to profess his love for Tina Fey as well, especially for writing him a permanent role on ‘30 Rock’ as the other adorable self-centered insensitive stereotypical male chauvinist pig, opposite Alec Baldwin’s character.

“I love you Tina,” continues Morgan. “You know you’re my girl. And I got your back, but you got to get your smelly feet some medical attention. Go to the ER, girl. Or go see a Catholic priest or something. Maybe even get them amputated.”

Later, Tracy Morgan prided himself on curing Tina Fey’s alleged foot odor problem on the set of ’30 Rock’ at least temporarily, claiming the condition is a lot like the hiccups.

“So one night, when the crew all went home,” confessed Morgan. “And Tina Fey was alone working late, I went down stairs to the underground parking lot and waited for her there.”

Wearing a black ski mask and carrying a rubber knife he barrowed from the prop department, Tracy Morgan hid behind Tina Fey’s car, waiting for her to come down stairs. And when she did, he jumped up behind her, causing her to faint.

“Now Tina doesn’t have smelly feet no more,” said Tracy Morgan. “Although she does have to go to the bathroom every time she sees me. Oh, and sometimes she cries, too. But I can live with that.”

Tracy Morgan’s tell-all book is not just about the shortcomings of his fellow 'Not Ready for Primetime Players', however. He takes a few chapters to remove the rafter from his own eye as well.

While on SNL, Morgan enjoyed dressing up like Maya Angelou.

“It felt good to walk in the high heel shoes of a powerful Black woman,” Morgan said. “It empowered me as a Black man, though I didn’t like it when Lorne hit on me while I was in character. I would have punched him or said something at the time, but I didn’t want to lose my job.”

After that, Tracy Morgan was always made to feel as if he was invisible by some of his fellow SNL cast members.

“I don’t know how they found out I had superpowers of invisibility,” said Tracy Morgan. “But they did.”

Tracy Morgan says that he did not mind his fellow SNL cast members knowing that he had the power of invisibility, only that they used it against him.

“They’d ignore me even when I wasn’t invisible,” said Morgan. “And that hurt me in the heart sometimes. But most of the time, it just pissed me off, making me [BLEEP] mad.”

Tracy Morgan’s book would be incomplete if he did not have a few words to say about his mentor, Lorne Michaels.

“Lorne Michaels is cool,” said Morgan. “For a Canadian. Believe it or not, he smells like bacon and [BLEEP]. I love [BLEEP], so he’s okay.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo