John Boehner Calling Obama “Lip [Service] Gate” Reason Enough to Hold Congressional Hearings -- Possible Impeachment Proceedings Begin?



"What? Me worry? I'll
compromise my way out
of this one, like always.
But what about you?"

 
Washington, D.C. --

Speaking as the incoming Speaker of the House and on behalf of his fellow Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats, John Boehner stood before a press conference today. Crying out for a Congressional Hearing into what he is calling “Lip Gate” to investigate how Barack Obama received an injury requiring 12 stitches to his lip during a basketball game last Friday. Even demanding that he voluntarily steps down now or face impeachment proceeding to force him from the Office as the duly elected President of the United States of America.

“I want to assure the country that this Congressional Hearing will be conducted in accordance with the rule of law and will not be turned into a witch hunt for personal or political party gain,” said Boehner.

However, used for the purpose for which it was intended, as a legitimate probe into a possible impeachment proceeding, according to Boehner.

“After all," Boehner continued. "It’s important for the American people to know in a time of crisis such as this when their leader suffers a life threatening injury, under what can only be described as suspicious circumstances at best, that we politicians know when its time to put away petty partisanship. And stand united behind their president. Therefore, I am demanding that since Obama is not a U.S. citizen but a Kenyan, that the Department of Justice charges the alleged assailant with assault on a foreign dignitary. And do so without delay. Let us not forget that we are a nation of laws, not just men. And justice delayed, is justice denied.”

Boehner then expressed concern over the president’s state of mental health, suggesting the injuries were more extensive then first reported.

“You know, in order to get 12 stitches, Obama must have sustained a tremendous amount for blunt force trauma to his head,” said Boehner. “Enough even to generate a concussion, I bet. Therefore, I have also asked the Surgeon General to declare Obama unfit to serve in office, pending a full medical examination of the president to assure the nation that he’s still physically and mentally capable of leading our Republic.”

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated issue, while awaiting action on behalf of the Department of Justice and the office of the Surgeon General, Boehner managed to reinstate the ‘Death Panel’ provision back into the ‘Obama Health-Care’ legislation, during a rare midnight emergency secession of the so-called lame duck Congress.

“Death Panel’ is such an awful sounding phrase to describe a ‘Death Panel’ here folks,” said Boehner into the Congressional record. “So what do you say we use a more euphemistic term instead. Something more upbeat like, ‘Health Insurance Medical Review and Final Appeals Board’, okay?”

Boehner then concluded his second press conference as incoming Speaker of the House in which he managed not to shed a tear, although he did seem to be getting a little verklempt toward the end.

“I, umm,” said Boehner hesitating for a moment, sniffling overheard between pregnant pauses. “I, umm, want to…thank…y’all for coming today. That’s all. I just wanted to say…thanks.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

White House to Install Nuclear Power Plant Rooftop

Washington, D.C. --

Like President Jimmy Carter, who used the of the office of the presidency as a bully pulpit to demonstrate to the nation his comment to America becoming energy self-sufficient in the 1970s by installing solar panels on the roof of his then residence, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, President Barack Obama has announced he is installing a nuclear power plant up on the White House rooftop to prove how safe nuclear energy is to Americans.

“President Obama realizes that it would be easier to just reinstall the old solar panels that President Ronald Reagan had removed after President Jimmy Carter lost the 1980 election,” said a spokesman for the White House. “However, Obama feels that he has an obligation as the first family to show the nation that nuclear power is just as green as solar power. In fact, it’s greener.”

“I’m not so sure about moving my garden up on the roof,” said the First Lady as she lay in bed next to the president reviewing the blue prints for the nuclear power plant and her new greenhouse garden. “Especially next to a --”

“Now, now Michelle,” interrupted Obama, putting down a book he was reading. “How many times do I have to tell you? Nuclear power is completely safe. Besides, now on cloudy days your plants will get all the radiation they need. Only, not from sunbeams that have to be imported from halfway across the solar system but from the splitting of atoms, domestically generated just feet above our heads. I know what I’m doing. I’ve done my research. Okay?”

“Okay,” said the First Lady as she rolled up the blue prints, laying them aside. Ignoring the biohazard warning on them. “You do have a way with words.”

“That’s why I’m the President,” said Obama with a smile as he picked up his book ‘How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying’, tuning to the page where he left off reading. “Now, please. Let me get back to my research so I can be ready for tomorrow’s economic summit.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Sarah Palin’s ‘Tea Party’ Address Causes Quite a Stir at the White House

Washington, D.C. --

“Now I really want you to look at these computer enhanced images of what your body will look like come 2012,” said President Barack Obama to ‘Obama Girl’ who helped sway the electorate, winning his 2008 presidential election for him and who now sat in the Oval Office with other members of his Cabinet and chief of staff, going over campaign strategies to defeat Sarah Palin in 2012.

“Notice how you’re projected to put on a little weight?” continued Obama speaking to ‘Obama Girl’ as the Surgeon General nodded his head in agreement. “Now it’s not so much that the Surgeon General here is raising any red flags, calling it a health concern. As much as you continuing to look so great as you do in a bikini. So I’ve taken the liberty to ensure that happens.”

Obama then called in a personal trainer into the room, introducing him to ‘Obama Girl’ who was busy stuffing her face with chocolate chip cookies at the time.

“Sven,” said Obama with a smile on his face as he rose to his feet zipping up his jogger’s jacket with the Presidential Seal embroidered on it. “How are you old buddy? Hope the windy city is treating you well. Say, I’d like you to meet ‘Obama Girl’. She’s been a faithful and most useful member of Team Obama. But now, as you can see by the computer projections, she won’t do me much good in the years to come if she doesn’t get control of her diet. What do you recommend?”

“The pain!” replied Sven in broken English as he flexed his bulky arm muscles so that it caused the veins in his neck and forehead to bulge, flooding with blood.

‘Obama Girl’ started gagging and choking on her chocolate chip cookies in response.

Sven, mistaking ‘Obama Girl’ for having need of the Heimlich maneuver, lifted her up from out of her chair and while positioned behind her, began squeezing her like a tube of toothpaste until she fell to the floor unconscious.

“Oh no,” yelled out Sven with his hands on his cheeks. “Not again!”

“There goes my reelection,” said Obama throwing his face into his folded arms on his desk.

“Is she dead?” asked Sven to the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse.

“No,” replied the Surgeon General. “In fact, she’s coming to.”

“Thank God!” said Obama jumping to his feet, throwing Karate punches in the air. “I’m back in business!”

“What do we tell her happened to her?” asked a concerned Sven, kneeling on one knee gently stroking ‘Obama Girl’s’ cheek.

“I know,” said Obama snapping his fingers. “Lets just put her back in her chair and pretend like nothing happened.”

“You mean like in that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode?” jokingly asked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama, nodding to Sven.

Sven then lifted up ‘Obama Girl’, returning her to her seat, arranging her body to the position it was in before. Even placing a chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

As ‘Obama Girl’ regained consciousness, Sven was unable to look ‘Obama Girl’ in the eyes and looked nervously around room instead. Not knowing what to do next, he resumed his posing, causing ‘Obama Girl’ to gag and choke on the chocolate chip cookie in her mouth.

Sven instinctively rushed in plucking ‘Obama Girl’ out of her chair, performing the Heimlich maneuver on her.

“Oh no,” cried out Obama throwing his arms up in the air. “Not again!”

Sure enough ‘Obama Girl’ fell to the floor unconscious again.

“Is she alive?” Sven asked the Surgeon General who was checking ‘Obama Girl’ for a pulse again.

“Just barely,” the Surgeon General said. “In fact, without an immediate –”

“Wait!” interrupted Obama, throwing his hand out in the air.

“You got another idea?” sarcastically remarked the Surgeon General.

“Yeah,” said Obama as he paced the Oval Office. “I saw this movie once about a bachelor party where the prostitute they hire dies on them.”

“Oh no,” said Sven, shaking his head. “Not again.”

“Now, now, Sven,” said Obama patting Sven on his back. “Remember?”

“Yes, I remember,” said a resigned Sven, picking up the still unconscious ‘Obama Girl’ from the floor. “What happens in Chicago stays in Chicago.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Salahi White House Crashers Turn Down Invitation To Meet Congress

Washington, D.C. --

After posing for international cameras at President Barack Obama's first White House State Dinner and then appearing on the nationally syndicated, the 'Today' show, the world's most famous party crashers, the Salahis, now refuse to appear before Congress, turning down engraved invitations to discuss how they bypassed several security checkpoints manned by the Secret Service.

With their attorney present, the Salahis called for a press conference in the White House Rose Garden to explain their reasons for refusing to appear before Congress.

"Where's the challenge?' said Mr. Salahi as he held up the Congressional invitation to the hearing on White House security up in the air, waving it above his head for all to see.

"Yeah," chimed Mrs. Salahi into the microphone. "If they really wanted us to appear, they should invited us and then immediately uninvited us."

Suddenly the Secret Service appeared, interpreting the Salahi press conference by asking them for proof of authorization to use the Rose Garden from the White House groundskeeper.

As the Salahis' attorney reached out his arm across the table placing his hand over the microphone, he whispers into the Salahis' ears.

Almost immediately, Mr Salahi stands and begins to putdown his pockets, while Mrs. Salahi begins searching her purse, dumping its entire contents on to the conference table.

"I just had it in my pocket a minute ago," says Mr. Salahi. "Did you get it, honey?"

"I thought you had it, dear?" replied Mrs. Salahi. "Wait! I get this email saying we could use the Rose Garden. Will that do?"

As the Secret Service agents confer over the authenticity of the email, the Salahis quietly get up from the press table and sneak into the White House.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween White House Still Handing Out Eye Candy To Nation

Washington, D.C. --

Standing at the front entrance of the White House with the first lady faithfully at his side handing out Halloween candy, Barack Obama, dressed as himself, was criticized not only by Republicans this time around, but by an ever-growing chorus of Democrats and Independent voices too, as an imposter; merely disguising as the president of change he promised he would be and has yet to fulfill.

Meanwhile, not missing a beat to forward their causes, lobbyists bribed little kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins waiting in line to see the president, stealing their store bought and homemade costumes and chance to get White House candy away from them.

“You know when I promised the American people transparency, I meant it,” proudly said Barack Obama, as he posed for a photo op dropping candy into overfilled extended pillowcases, while leaving others empty yet to be filled.

“Trick or Treat?’ Mr. President,” said the lobbyists, still disguised as kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins.

“Oh, kids come on in,” said Obama, inviting the lobbyists inside the White House. “Help yourself to anything you want.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo