TSA to Hire ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ as Full-Body Scanners

Washington, D.C. --

Following the Dutch government’s lead to beef up security in light of the so-called underwear bomber by deploying full-body scanners, which electronically detects atomized trace elements of explosives on would-be terrorists with a puff of air, at all their airports, Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials have announced today that they will be employing something far more reliable: ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ to mentally scan the minds of passengers for any terrorist thoughts.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ will take up their positions alongside TSA agents,” said a TSA official. “And while passengers wait just to see their luggage being x-rayed, physically inspected, mishandled and ultimately misplaced, they will have their brain waves scanned as well for any terrorist thoughts.”

“All while they stand in line talking on their cell phones with a psychic friend, killing two birds with one stone,” added a spokesperson for ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’.

“Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ has a proven track record of success,” said a spokesman for Homeland Security. “Not like those unproven, unreliable mechanical full-body scanners based on ever-changing Age of Enlightenment technology.”

The decision to use psychics, instead of machines, is based on a pilot program that proved very successful when mediums were secretly placed throughout Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) locations in Southern California in order to improve security there by scanning the minds of civilians for terrorist thoughts after standing in long lines for hours on end.

"You wouldn't believe how many terrorists we apprehended in just the first hour," said a Psychic Friend. "And none of them by using the controversial police racial profiling technique either."

“I never even knew I was a terrorist,” said Marie Huntington an 87-year-old woman attempting to renew her license. “Not until I came here and that nice young woman over there came up to me, tapped me on my shoulder, pulled me out of line, handcuffed me and put a black hood over my head and told me I was one.”

After being water boarded for an hour, Mrs. Huntington said she came to her senses and realized her ‘Psychic Friend’ was right.

“Believe me, if her thoughts wouldn’t have killed,” said the Psychic Friend who scanned Mrs. Huntington. “Putting her behind the wheel of a one ton vehicle would have.”

The psychic scanning pilot program was so successful that ‘Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network’ even caught one of their own in their mental dragnet.

“We were randomly scanning the line of people when we picked up terrorist thoughts originating from one of our own,” confirmed a Psychic Friend.

Michelle Baker, a member of the psychic friends network since the 1990s, was trying to renew her California identification card on her day off when her fellow co-workers picked up her incriminating thoughts while she stood in line at the DMV.

“I knew I was having terrorist thoughts,” said Mrs. Baker as she was being placed under arrest for generating destructive delta brain waves against a government agency, after spending the better part of the morning standing in line just to get a service number. “I tried to block them out, but I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

Initial data complied so far seems to indicate a direct correlation between the amount of time people had to wait in line at the DMV and the number of terrorist thoughts being generated.

“We’re confident that’s just an anomaly,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “We don’t expect to find any so-called ‘waiting time slash terrorist thoughts correlation’ in our program. Excuse me...I have to relocate all these terrorists out to the tarmac until the police get here to take them off my hands.”




Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Pope Tripped Trying to Kick a Football in the Cathedral, New Video Shows

Vatican City --

Italian police have gathered up all the video footage on the attack on Pope Benedict XVI during the midnight Mass on Christmas Eve last Thursday, carefully analyzing it for clues. So far their investigation has surfaced a new video, which, if proven authentic, contains footage that contradicts previous reports that a 25-year-old psychologically disturbed woman tackled the Holy See, clearing her of all criminal charges against him.

“Obviously, Vatican officials tried to cover-up the truth in order to save the reputation of the pontiff by claiming the young woman tackled him,” said Italian Police Inspector Pablo Giorgio at a press conference where new evidence was featured. “However, as the newly uncovered video documents, the Pope tripped on his own accord.”

Italian police did concede, however, that the Pope was setup for the fall by the young woman.

“Footage from the newly discovered video clearly shows a women in a red hooded sweater jumping over the roped petition as we have all seen before,” continued Inspector Giorgio as he played the video on a large plasma TV screen to reporters “However, as you can see from this angle, after jumping over the partition, she actually ran down the aisle of St. Peter’s Basilica, passing the Pope, but clearly carrying something under her clothing. Yards ahead of him, she kneels down on one knee as if to pray, but instead produces a football [American], the bulging object we saw earlier, from under her sweater.”

As soon as Pope Benedict XVI got sight of the football held out by the young woman, who kept it balanced on the ground with one finger in front of her, he began to run toward it, lifting up his holy vestments along the way, exposing his red leather shoes.

“So, as you can see the Holy See did not trip on his sacred robes and holy garments,” continued Inspector Giorgio.

As the video played in slow motion, just as the Pope made his final approach to kick the football, the young woman in the red hooded sweater suddenly pulled it away from the path of the Pope, causing him to trip heels overhead.

“AAUGH!” exclaimed out the Pope on the video as he fell to the ground.

“The Pope went down, “ concluded Inspector Giorgio. “Just like the American cartoon boy, Charlie Brown.”

Italian police said they are still searching for a motive in the case, ironically freezing the video on the young woman’s red hooded sweater. A ‘Peanuts’ sweater that had ‘Lucy’ on it with a caption and cartoon that read: ‘Psychiatric Help 5 Cents – The Doctor is in.”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Assault’ in the Cathedral?” Pope Attacked by Crazed T.S. Eliot Fan!

Vatican City --

Just like Archbishop Thomas Becket of Canterbury Cathedral in that poetic drama by T.S. Eliot: ‘Murder in the Cathedral’, Pope Benedict XVI found himself assailed in St. Peter’s Basilica just before he conducted Christmas Eve Mass today. Fortunately he was not murdered but just tackled to the ground by his obviously psychologically disturbed assailant, a 25-year-old woman and three of her “invisible” co-conspirators.

“She had a bat in the belfry,” said police, who confiscated a possible weapon the woman apparently intended to use in the assault. “We tried dusting it for her finger prints, but it flew away before we could get a chance.”

Police also found a copy of T.S. Eliot’s ‘Murder in the Cathedral’ on the assailant’s person. So it is believe she had more on her mind than just tackling the Pope.

Although police are still attempting to piece together any attempted murder plot, they have gathered up some other interesting clues as well.

“The woman claimed to be a knight,” said police. “Kept insisting she and three other knights were on a mission from the king. To assert the power of the state supreme.”

Witnesses also placed the assailant outside St. Peter’s Basilica hours before the assault, reading passages of T.S. Eliot aloud to herself and feeding stray cats.

"It was those same cats that distracted the Pope's personal bodyguards and everyone else’s attention away from that woman for a moment," says Diego Martinez, a tourist from Mexico.

Martinez claims, as do others, that they heard a chorus of cats signing just moments before the assault took place on the pontiff.

“I thought it was so eerie hearing those cats singing outside the basilica for everyone to hear like that,” said Heather Applebee from New York. “Until, in slow motion, I turned my head away from the stained-glass windows and saw a woman in a red hooded sweater jump over the partition and attack the Pope.”

Moments later, the Pope fully recovered from the assault suffering only minor burses and abrasions, walking away to perform Mass without further incident. Although a French Cardinal with more serious injuries had to be hospitalized, he is expected to make a full recovery as well.

Police say the young woman will undergo psychological evaluation and likely be charged with assault, plagiarism and copyright infringement of an internationally protected intellectual property.

“Unless she claims her assault was some kind of performance art. A parody or satire of sorts,” said an Italian criminal defense attorney. “In which case, she’ll probably walk.”

Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Post-Divorce Kate Gosselin Hosts New Reality TV Show: “Ex-Wives Gone Wild!”

Hollywood, California --

Just moments after her appearance on the nationally syndicated Jay Leno Show last Friday making her announcement that the judge finalized her divorce to Jon Gosselin earlier in the day and her public declaration: “I’m a wild woman!” Kate Gosselin’s cell phone ring tone sounded off nonstop with offers from Hollywood producers for a new reality TV show just for her.

What everybody does not realize, however, is that here on the West Coast, ‘The Jay Leno Show’ is on a time delay, while back East Cost it goes on the air live. The following occurred as it aired uncensored, unedited and from it’s original remote broadcasting location: a bar.

“Guess what the first thing I did right after the judge finalized my divorce, Jay?” said a seemingly inebriated Kate from a live remote as she sat on a bar stool back East.

“I don’t know. Stop off at the closes bar to have a drink?” replied Jay Leno as he and the studio audience laughed.

“No silly. After that,” said Kate Gosselin, struggling to hold up a membership card to a gym (one of her latest sponsors) that hung from her neck, a brightly colored all-you-can-drink orange wristband catching everyone’s eye instead.

“Oh, I see now. You joined a gym?” said Jay Leno playing up to the studio audience as he pointed to his own wrist and motioned like he was throwing back a few drinks from an invisible shot glass in his hand, while he wobbled around the stage like he was drunk. “Probably to get your hairdo back in shape, huh.”

“What?” said Kate. “How did you know?”

“Let’s just say a little bird told me and move on, okay?” said a somewhat nervous looking Jay.

“They talk to you too?” replied Kate. “I thought I just heard them, after watching ‘Dumbo’ so many times. Do you know I remember every word from that movie? They ought to pass a law making it illegal to force parents to watch a movie with their kids more than thousand times. You know what I mean Jay? Jay?”

“What, ah…What about the children?” said Jay as he struggled to maintain his train of thought.

“Oh they don’t mind,” said Kate. “They could watch that movie a millions times and they probably will too.”

“No, not that,” replied Jay with his hands in his pockets rocking back-and-forth on his heels. “I meant where are the children.”

“What?” said an undeniably intoxicated Kate as she spoke with one eye closed. “Oh that… Jon’s got them for the weekend. Ha! Isn’t payback a bitch sometimes? Huh, Jay? You know what I mean?”

“I guess,” said Jay, giving hand signals to the control room to cut the piece.

“You know,” said Kate as she started getting reflective and philosophical, reaching over the bar, grabbing the camera and pulling it over to her until it encompassed her face. “We really haven’t had the time to get to know each other very well, have we? Have any of us really for that matter?”

“What do you mean?” replied Jay as he backed away from the giant TV screen of Kate’s face.

“I mean you’re so busy with your TV show every night,” said Kate looking directly into the camera lens. “While I’m out on the road bad mouthing my cheating husband for not being back home, spending time enough quality with the family watching ‘Dumbo’ with the kids and me. I thank we should use this time to get to know each other a little better. One on one, don’t you?”

“No!” protested Jay as he through opens his jacket in vane trying to block the giant TV screen, the image of Kate French kissing the camera lens. “For God sakes this a family show now!”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods’ Scandal Spreads to Breakfast Cereal For Kids' Icon of Similar Sounding Name

Los Angeles, California --

It seems fallout from the Tiger Woods affair(s) is/are having a negative impact on breakfast cereal icon ‘Tony The Tiger’ as the industry standard has filed to legally change his name in Superior Court, Los Angeles today.

According to the breakfast cereal manufacturer the change was not necessary but taken at of an “abundance of causation”.

However, industry insiders’ say that sales of the once popular breakfast cereal for kids has suffered a sharp decline in sales recently, due it is believed to the Tiger Woods infidelity scandal that broke late last month.

“I just won’t buy it for my kids anymore,” said Virginia Kruger, 47, single mother of two small children. “It might give them…you know, ideas.”

As the visibly emotional ‘Tony The Tiger’ stood in the nearly empty courtroom blowing his blue nose with his red bandana, which he customarily wears around his neck, the judge finalized the proceedings. Legally changing his name with one fell swoop his gavel.

“Well, your name is now legally ‘Anthony (Not Affiliated with the former PGA golfer known as Tiger Woods) The Tiger,” said the judge. “How does that make you feel?”

“GRRREAT!” replied ‘Tony’ -- I mean ‘Anthony’ -- as he through his finger up into the air, letting out his trademark cry. Which bellowed throughout the courtroom, down the hallway, outside down to the street and up to the steps of City Hall. “Just GRRREAT! Now little kids won’t confuse me with that adulterating [BLEEP] any more.”

“Don’t worry kids,” said a spokesman for the cereal company attempting to reassure children. “Anthony (Not Affiliated with the former PGA golfer known as Tiger Woods) The Tiger’ is a mouthful say, but you’ll get use to it. It gets easier the more times you say it.”


Copyright Ó 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

President Barack Obama’s ‘Shovel-Ready’ Economy Finally Getting Busy…Digging ‘U.S.’ Out from His Bull --

Washington, D.C. --

The White House confirmed that Obama’s stimulus package is working, citing a round the clock team of ‘shove-ready’ men the president has on standby 24 hours, 7 days a week to clean up after him whenever he makes one of his emotionally charged purple prose political do nothing speeches.

“There’s so much of it in just one of his speeches,” said a member of the ‘shovel-ready’ cleanup crew. “I have to wear hip boots just to wade through it so I can get close enough to clean it up.”

In fact, White House staff members have begun wearing hip boots as well.

“The president often paces up and down the hallways of the White House while practicing his speeches,” explains a White House staff member. “So he tends to leave a trail of his bull [BLEEP] behind him. We try not to step in it, but sometimes it’s unavoidable so the hip boots really help.”

So popular are the hip boots at the White House that they have become a fashion tread of sorts among the staff.

“Oh yeah,” confirmed another White House staff member. “Hip boots are quite trendy in the Obama White House. But really they’re a common sense combination of function and form.”

Reportedly, Obama even has several pairs on hand for visiting foreign dignitaries to wear, so they can feel like they fit right in.

“Of course, we don’t have to worry about visiting members of Congress,” said the White House Press Secretary. “They have their own. Only you could never tell because they wear them under their suits. We don’t, because Obama wants his administration to be transparent.”

“Good thing I didn’t throw mine away from the last administration,” said a member of the press core.

“I had to buy a new pair,” said another reporter. “Because I actually believed his change campaign promise.”

Ironically, all this purchasing of hip boots is helping to grow the economy, stimulating American manufacturing in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way.

“If Obama keeps dishing it out at this rate,” said an economist. “He could single-handedly pull the country out of a recession as the nation reaches for their pair of hip boots every time he speaks.”

“At least that’s what I’ll be telling the president this afternoon. So I hope he’s wearing his pair,” said an Obama adviser, pausing a moment while slipping on his own pair of hip boots reading for the first time the manufacturing label attached. “Made in China’. Huh, I wonder what that could mean?”

“Excuse me Mr. President,” said Obama’s personal secretary over the intercom. “The cleaning crew is here.”

“What? Already? I just started practicing my speech,” replied the president.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

9 Out of 10 Kids from ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ Shoe Commercial Suspected to be His

Los Angeles, California --

A group of fathers on behalf of their children that appeared in the ‘I’m Tiger Woods’ ‘Nike’ commercial a year ago have now banned together to file the nation’s first ever class action child support case and against Tiger Woods, after their paternity tests proved inconclusive.

“I always thought it was strange the way Tiger Woods’ people contacted us to do the commercial out of the blue like that,” said Bryan Dilbert talking about how his wife received a phone call from agent representing Tiger Woods asking her if she would like her son to be in one of his commercials. “But I thought, ‘Hey, it’s Tiger Woods.”

Once Mrs. Dilbert returned from the Tiger Woods’ commercial shoot with their 5-year-old son, however, she filed for divorce shortly thereafter, ending 4 years of marriage and gaining full custody of their son in the legal process.

“I never connected the two,” said Mr. Dilbert as he dressed in his drab motel room he rents from day to day in the only suit he has left, one he purchased at the Goodwill in preparation to meet his 5-year-old son for his occasional court ordered visitations.

“I’d like to see my son more often,” says Mr. Dilbert as he rides the bus downtown on the way to see his son for his once a month supervised visitations. “But I just can’t afford to pay the monitoring fees.”

A somewhat emotionally detached Mr. Dilbert sits in a pale green sterile room wearing a gray suit plagued with moth holes with an unseen court monitor looking on from behind a two-way mirrored glass, as he watches his son pickup a plastic golf club and putt a bright orange ball into a Astroturf indoor green over and over again.

“Hey, Regit,” says Mr. Dilbert to his son. “Do that again for daddy.”

After watching his son knock a golf ball into the hole time after time, Mr. Dilbert had an epiphany.

“Are you seeing this!” yelled out Mr. Dilbert to the invisible but omni present observer behind the mirrored glass and motorized security camera lenses.

Mr. Dilbert clapped and cheered his son on putt after putt. Suddenly he scooped him up into his arms and carried him to the mirrored glass and pounding on it with his fist yelled out, “He’s not my son! He’s not my son!” which only caused the boy to burst into tears.

“No, no. Don’t cry Regit,” said Mr. Dilbert trying to comfort the boy from his comments while winking at the observer behind the mirrored glass. “Daddy didn’t mean it.”

“All that was 6 months ago,” said Mr. Dilbert reading the paternity test results for his son which came back 99.9 percent positive that he is the father, as he sat on the edge of the stained motel bed all alone teary-eyed with a pistol to his head staring at a photograph of his son on the nightstand across the room; fading police siren, gunshots and screams echoing in the distance. “Now the judge says I can’t see Regit ever again…Tiger Woods…you ruined more than one family…you ruined mine t -- BANG!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tiger Woods Finally Picks Up New Sponsor: ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ Las Vegas Ad

Las Vegas, Nevada --

The rumor is that Tiger Woods has just finished shooting a commercial of him as the new spokesman for the famous ‘What Happens Here, Stays Here’ ads for Las Vegas. Reportedly, he took the job on the advice of his business manager not so much for the money, but in an attempt to stem the stampede of advertisers running out the front door.

“He had to take the gig,” said Tiger Woods’ business manager. “His established sponsors are leaving him like rats a sinking ship. Hopefully when they see that other reputable advertisers are willing to take their place, maybe they’ll change their minds and won’t leave.”

According to the director, who shot the 10-second spot that will begin airing Christmas Eve, the commercial was tastefully done.

“We were deliberate in our decision to be very considerate of Tiger Woods’ delicate situation,” said the director. “Careful not exploit the news of his infidelity, or tarnish the wholesome family values image of Las Vegas.”

Still photography of the commercial has Tiger Woods bare-chested riding on the back of an albino Siberian tiger towing a row of topless Las Vegas show girls on the end of a golden chain.

The caption above his head reading: “If I Would Have Done This in Las Vegas, You Probably Wouldn’t Be Seeing This Ad Right Now.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

LHC Physicist at CERN Denies Responsibility for “Giant Swirly Thingy” Over Norwegian Sky

Geneva, Switzerland --

“What? We didn’t do it,” said a particle physicist from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) before he was even asked a question by a small conclave of approaching reporters that tracked him down as he was preparing to leave his home with his family and all of their belongings that could fit into their European style subcompact car. “You know, not all inexplicable astrological phenomena A.K.A. the ‘Giant Swirly Thingy’ can be blamed on the LHC experiment at CERN. Besides, according to ‘String’ theory this was eventually going to happen anyways. It was just a matter of time...Time!”

Then reaching into the back seat of the car, grabbing a book out of the hands of his young daughter, the CERN physicist said to her. “Give me that roadmap.”

“But daddy,” protested the physicist’s daughter. “That’s no roadmap. That’s my ‘Alice in Wonderland’ book.”

“Not where we’re headed honey,” said the CERN physicist as he drove off to an undisclosed location where top ranking government officials, members of the military and his colleagues have been secretly building a microcosmic fleet of trans-dimensional inner space craft, capable of escaping this timeline should the Universe implode into itself; reduced to the size no larger than a snow pea. “It’s a roadmap to the future!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Thong Bikini Queen” Vida Guerra’s PSA Spot for Dental Floss Pulled by the ADA

Los Angeles, California --

A Public Service Announcement (PSA) was pulled today when it was learned that someone at the American Dental Association (ADA) inappropriately used funds when they invited on their own accord the queen of the thong bikini, Vida Guerra, to do a PSA spot promoting alternative uses for dental floss.

“I never knew he was doing it on his own,” said Vida Guerra from behind a pair of dark sunglasses like Jackie Onassis as she lay sunning herself on the veranda with her tanned voluptuous coconut buttered up buttocks pointed toward the clear blue Southern California sky like a beacon of debauchery and wanton excess of unrequited lust for all to see. “I just got a message on my voice mail from the ADA asking me if I would do the 10-second spot because they said I had great pair of teeth. Believe it or not, that’s not usually the first thing people notice about me…or ever come to think of it. I guess that’s why I said yes.”

When Vida Guerra arrived at the studio for the PSA shoot she was surprised at the director’s request that she wear the dental floss, and only the dental floss as her wardrobe.

“I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to wear the dental floss for a bikini,” said Vida Guerra as she sipped from her drink of mineral water from a long straw. “I told him, ‘I have thinner ones in my car.”

That is when the director of the PSA lunged at Vida Guerra, having to be physically restrained by other members of the studio crew.

Unfortunately, after review by the ADA board, the footage Vida Guerra had to be destroyed as it crossed the line of good taste, broke with commonly accepted community standards; considered a gross abuse of dental hygiene products.

“Viewing it alone constitutes a health code violation,” said one ADA board member.

“What’s the problem with you people?” rhetorically asked Vida Guerra as she reached back to pour more coconut butter on her already glistening brown derriere, squeezing out the white creamy contents from the plastic bottle and rubbing deep into her round highly pronounced and protruding butt cheeks “Women in Europe go to the beach topless. Those sluts. I might show a little ass but at least I have class and I keep my clothes on. After all, us women have to leave something to the imagination. Right?”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Meredith Baxter: “Hello! I said I’m gay! Is anybody out there?”

Santa Monica, California --

Former sitcom TV mom, Meredith Baxter, from the 1880s…sorry, from the 1980s show ‘Family Ties’ attempted to make the rounds on a second press junket after being knocked off the front pages and talks shows by the Tiger Woods sex scandal. However, after being turned down by booking agents, she had to settle for a press conference her manager arranged for her at the cliff side senior citizen center in Santa Monica, California.

“Hello,” said Meredith Baxter over the microphone as feedback echos crackled and popped over the captive audience of senior citizens. “Can everybody hear me? Good. You may all recognize me from my role as playing a straight mom on the TV show ‘Family Ties’. Well, I’d just like to come out and say that I’m gay now.”

“Hey, look everybody it’s that old spinster lady that always had her hair up from the ‘Facts of Life?” said one senior citizen. “Where’s our lunch anyways? I’m hungry. What’s taking so long?”

“No, no. You got me confused with someone else,” said Meredith Baxter as she fussed with her hair. “See, I wear my hair down. Not up…I played Michael J. Fox’s mother.”

“Oh, yeah,” yelled out one attendant from the back of the room. “I remember you.”

As carts slowly rolled out plastic lunch trays, Meredith Baxter desperately competed for the attention of the senior citizens which was now focused on the food being served.

“Hello!” sarcastically yelled out Meredith Baxter into the microphone, causing another feedback echo. “I said I’m gay! Is anybody out there?”

“What did she say?” asked a senior citizen of one of the attendants who was serving lunch.

“She said she was gay,” repeated the attendant.

"Lucky girl,” said the senior citizen. “I wish I had some Bengay, my rheumatism is acting up something awful.”

“No you old fool,” said another senior citizen. “She said she was gay! You know, like happy.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Salahi White House Crashers Turn Down Invitation To Meet Congress

Washington, D.C. --

After posing for international cameras at President Barack Obama's first White House State Dinner and then appearing on the nationally syndicated, the 'Today' show, the world's most famous party crashers, the Salahis, now refuse to appear before Congress, turning down engraved invitations to discuss how they bypassed several security checkpoints manned by the Secret Service.

With their attorney present, the Salahis called for a press conference in the White House Rose Garden to explain their reasons for refusing to appear before Congress.

"Where's the challenge?' said Mr. Salahi as he held up the Congressional invitation to the hearing on White House security up in the air, waving it above his head for all to see.

"Yeah," chimed Mrs. Salahi into the microphone. "If they really wanted us to appear, they should invited us and then immediately uninvited us."

Suddenly the Secret Service appeared, interpreting the Salahi press conference by asking them for proof of authorization to use the Rose Garden from the White House groundskeeper.

As the Salahis' attorney reached out his arm across the table placing his hand over the microphone, he whispers into the Salahis' ears.

Almost immediately, Mr Salahi stands and begins to putdown his pockets, while Mrs. Salahi begins searching her purse, dumping its entire contents on to the conference table.

"I just had it in my pocket a minute ago," says Mr. Salahi. "Did you get it, honey?"

"I thought you had it, dear?" replied Mrs. Salahi. "Wait! I get this email saying we could use the Rose Garden. Will that do?"

As the Secret Service agents confer over the authenticity of the email, the Salahis quietly get up from the press table and sneak into the White House.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Meredith Baxter Confesses: “How giving birth to Michael J. Fox made me gay.”

New York, New York --

“Well, not literally give birth to him, but his fictional conservative character, Alex P. Keaton, he portrayed on the show 'Family Ties,” said Meredith Baxter one of America’s favorite sitcom TV moms that admits that she has been living the lesbian lifestyle for the past seven years.

“I know people didn’t choose to be gay,” says Baxter. “But sometimes, some things…or as in my case, somebody, just drives you to it.”

As Baxter explained it, she never knew she had feelings for other women until seven years ago when she finally sat down to watch reruns of the 1980s sitcom on cable TV.

“I never watched the show before,” said Baxter, who has two grown biological children of her own, a product from a former heterosexual marriage. “So when I finally did, I was so repulsed by Michael J. Fox’s conservative character that I said to myself, ‘You got to make that up to the world somehow.”

Baxter got sick to her stomach when she realized that she acted as the surrogate mother, contributing to the rebirth of the conservative movement in the 1980s by bearing its poster child, Alex P. Keaton, in her womb.

“Now, I know how Rosemary felt in ‘Rosemary’s Baby,” said Baxter. “It just kills me to think how many kids Alex P. Keaton turned on to conservatism, making them think it was cool. I should’ve drowned him in the bathtub.”

After several days of soul-searching, while aboard a cruse ship with 1,200 other lesbians, Baxter came up with an idea.

“I got it!” said Baxter while having a midnight snack at the all-night, all-you-can-eat buffet. “I’ll make it up to the world by becoming a lesbian!”

Asked how being gay compared to being straight having experienced both lifestyles, Baxter replied: “Being a lesbian is just like being a straight woman, except without the fear of morning sickness, or having to put the seat down in the middle of the night.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo