Items Missing from The White House, says First Lady, Michelle Obama

Washington, D.C. --

Along with mini bars of soap, facial towels and silverware embossed with the Presidential Seal gone missing from the White House, Michelle Obama reported to the Secret Service today that she discovered the mattress from the Lincoln Bedroom is missing as well.

“Secret Services searched every part of the White House looking for the missing mattress from the Lincoln bedroom,” said a White House official. “But so far it has yet to be recovered. Needless to say, you can only imaging the, um, historical significance it represents to the First Lady.”

The White House went on to say that they did not want to point fingers, but the last ones seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom were the Salahis, though at a loss of words as to how they smuggled out the twin-size mattress without the hundreds of guests and security noticing.

“One of them must have strapped it to their back,” said the White House.

However, since so many lobbyists were in attendance at Obama’s first state dinner, the Salahis must have been mistaken as one of them and allowed to slip out without question.

In the meanwhile, President Obama has formed a special task force to search and find the missing Lincoln mattress. Until then, however, it is rumored that the First Lady has ordered him to sleep down stairs on the couch until it is safely returned.

“Listen,” reportedly said the president to the special task force over the phone. “Michelle and I need that mattress back. I can’t tell you the reason why. But let’s just say, the fate of the free world maybe riding on it.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Ghostbusters’ Attack Giant ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

New York, New York --

The ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon debut ended in tragedy today at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as four men identifying themselves as the ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang made an unscheduled appearance, attacking the giant gaseous nonporous bag with nuclear fusion reactors strapped to their backs, causing the balloon to explode in milliseconds.

Fortunately, the unprovoked assault took place once the parade was over sparing thousands of parade spectators and millions of TV viewers at home the violence. However, eyewitnesses of the incident did state the encounter was brief.

“The second those Ghostbusters let loose with their nuclear fusion reactors, it was over,” said one of the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ balloon handlers that was holding on to a tether at the time of the assault, suffering extensive ear damage. “What? Did you say something to me?”

Arrested at the scene of the crime were: Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler and some Black dude [Winston Zeddmore].

At least two of the ‘Ghostbuster’ terrorist gang of four are suspected to be members of a sleeper terrorist cell leftover from the 1970s, belonging to a scripted comedy late night TV show known simply by the initials ‘SNL’, which authorities have yet to identify.

“They didn’t simply commit an act of vandalism,” said the office of the New York District Attorney. “By consciously using an unlicensed and unregistered nuclear powered device within the State of New York, the so-called ‘Ghostbusters’ terrorist gang endangered the lives of us all.”

“Can I have a little powwow with the mayor about this?” reportedly requested Dr. Peter Venkman, the suspected leader of the terrorist cell, as he was being lead away by police and his equipment impounded. “I want to hand him the bill for this job in person. What, you’re arresting me? Now what kind of way is that to show your gratitude? I just saved New York City, again. A simple thank you would have sufficed. Now, come on guys. I’m not fooling around. Take these the handcuffs off me and lets talk this out, okay? Oh, listen man. I’d be very careful handling that if I were you. It might ex –"



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tom Turkey Refuses Obama’s Presidential Pardon; Demands Execution Instead

Washington, D.C. --

Braking with tradition today, Tom Turkey refused the annual Presidential pardon and demanded to be executed instead. Leaving White House officials scratching their heads as to what to do next.

“We’ve never had a turkey refuse a presidential pardon before,” hesitantly said a spokesman for the White House. “We…um, we never executed a turkey before, either.”

As President Obama called his advisers into the West Wing to discuss the matter, leaving Tom Turkey in the custody of the of his children out in the rose garden, former vice president, Dick Cheney called the White House.

“What the hell are you guys doing over!” said Mr. Cheney over the speakerphone. “These birds don’t want to be pardoned. They've been radicalized. They want to be martyrs. Just take an axe and lop that bird’s head off. …Or do you need me to do it?”

No response came from anyone in the West Wing as Obama had the back of his chair to his advisors and he stared out the window watching his daughters playing with the turkey.

Finally one of the president’s advisors stood up, walked over to the president and whispered into his ear.

“Better to do it now,” whispered the advisor. “Before they get too attached to the bird.”

The President nodded in agreement.

“Okay, Mr. Cheney,” said the advisor. “You win.”

“Good,” replied Mr. Cheney. “Have the bird ready out back. I’ll be by within the hour. I got to pickup a camera on the way to record this for Sarah Palin. She’s really into this sort of stuff.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Balloon Boy’ Escapes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Route

New York, New York --

It was supposed to be a healing moment for the nation but tragedy struck twice instead as the Balloon Boy once again held hostage our collective attention when during its debut in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade today, the flying saucer shaped helium filled figurine broke free of its tethers on live TV and floated away.

With even many more cameras and eyes watching back home than before, it was, however, the people lined along the parade route that watched with mouths opened, struck silent in total disbelief that were most traumatized, and most for the second time.

As the Balloon Boy drama continued to play out before them seemingly in slow motion, the crowd looked on helplessly as ever as the Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon handlers struggled to hold on to the giant flying saucer shaped helium filled figurine, only to lose control of it in the end when the lighter than air aircraft took flight on a gust of wind with the hearts and minds of a nation on aboard again.

“No! Not again!” screamed one woman in a state of hysteria as she ran the entire length of the parade route, ripping her clothing from her body along the way.

Later, police were able to able to subdue the hysterical woman, taking her into custody. Unfortunately, not without resorting to their batons first. Then their taser guns, second. Teargas third, before finally having to call in a SWAT team to take her down.

“Good news, though,” said parade officials of the single pregnant mother of three children. “She’s expected to make a quick recovery.”

All along the parade route increased police action was required as they responded to a wave of 911 cell phone calls from panicking parents unable to locate their children, fearing that their child had somehow climbed on aboard the Macy’ Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Boy Mylar UFO balloon craft and floated away.

“Chaos rapidly descended along with the other parade balloons,” said police, as parents began attacking the festive floating figurines and their handlers, flooding into the parade route calling out for their lost children.

Police responded by declaring the parade an unlawful assembly over their bullhorns.

“Even as police put on their riot gear, parents refused to disperse,” said one eyewitness who barely escaped with his life.

Instead parents continue to wonder and loiter about with fingers pointed to the sky, as every parent believed their child was aboard the wayward aircraft that floated high above the New York City skyline. Unfortunately, drifting into restricted airspace.

“Looking back now,” later reflected a spokesman for the Macy’s department store that originally sponsored the annual tradition to boost Christmas sales, as a squadron of fighter jets circled above and the crowd let out a collective scream. “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to enter the Balloon Boy balloon into the parade route this year…maybe it was just too soon.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

‘New Moon’ Can Cause Loss of Virginity; Unwanted Pregnancy in Teenaged Girls, Warns Surgeon General

Washington, D.C. --

'New Moon’ is not only well on its way to braking box office records but the hearts of countless teenaged girls along the way too -- If you believe the warning issued by the Surgeon General against under aged girls viewing the supernatural heartthrob movie without parental supervision, that is.

“We have received hundreds of complaints from parents throughout the nation and abroad of their teenaged daughters spontaneously losing their virginity and becoming pregnant shortly after watching the movie ‘New Moon,” said Alfred Smitt, spokesman for the office of the Surgeon General.

And in many of the cases, even during the movie, while the parents helplessly looked on.

“I took my 15 year-old daughter to go see ‘New Moon’ this weekend,” said Patricia Rockford, 34, and a single mother. “And sometime while watching Jacob on that big movie screen, my little baby became a woman. Right there in the dark. Before my very eyes.”

Miss Rockford says, like hundreds of accounts like hers, that by the time the movie was over, her daughter already started showing signs of pregnancy.

“She got morning sickness right there in the theater, puking in her tub of popcorn, ” said Miss Rockford. “And by the time the movie was over, my baby’s feet and ankles were swollen and her nose ballooned up, too.”

Miss Rockford had to call the ushers to help assist pull her daughter up from out of her movie seat and walk her down the aisle, she waddled so badly.

Later in the parking lot, with the ushers watching, Miss Rockford helped her teenage daughter give birth to a healthy baby boy in the backseat of their car.

“Wow!” commented one of the ushers. “I’ve only heard of this sort of thing happening at drive-in theaters. Like the Vineland in the City of Industry, California.”

The Office of the Surgeon General says they are doing all they can to prevent the loss of virginity and unwanted teen pregnancy by getting the word out, but the success of the ‘New Moon’ movie is nothing less then phenomenal.

“The Surgeon General is just overwhelmed,” said Mr. Smitt. “I mean have you seen Jacob without his shirt? The man has got muscles where I never knew it was possible to have muscles. I’ll just die if it’s a CGI [computer generated image] special effect. I’m going back to see it again right after work. Oh hell, I’ll just say I’m sick and go see it before then. Hey, maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow too.”

Physicians are at a loss as to what could be causing the spontaneous loss of virginity and equally unexplained pregnancies occurring in teenage girls that have seen the movie and still others that have just seen the trailers.

“As a man of science,” said Roger Shepard a physician on staff with the office of the Surgeon General. “Occam’s razor has taught me over the years that the simplest explanation is often the correct one. So I am inclined to conclude that Jacob’s muscular structure is a CGI special effect but that Edward’s is not. Go Team Edward!”

Psychologists theorize that the supernatural effects, although computer generated, are affecting the subconscious mind, awaking some untapped power from the id within us all; causing the manifestation of spontaneous loss of virginity, ‘Immaculate Conception’ and accelerated pregnancy.

“We decided to keep the baby,” said Miss Rockford, while playing with her daughter’s newborn baby boy and rubbing her swollen belly, obviously pregnant herself. “After all, little Jacob here, he can’t wait for little Edward to come out and play with him? -- No he can’t. No he can’t.”



Copyright © 2008-9 By Robert W. Armijo

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Picks ‘Balloon Boy’ Helium Filled Figurine As Its Centerpiece

New York, New York --

In the midst of our nation’s healing from the collective trauma we suffered at the hands of the Heene family, when we were all duped into believing their 6-year-old son, Falcon, was a stowaway aboard a homemade run away experimental aircraft, Macy’s ‘Thanksgiving’ parade planners have decided to add to the levity by taking a moment to address a serious topic: Mylar flying saucer shaped balloon parental abduction.

Macy parade planners consider what they are doing as a public service.

“It’s a giant floating PSA spot really,” said Helen Ryan, spokesman for the Macy’s ‘Thanksgiving’ Parade. “Letting the children know they have options.”

Options like letting children know that it is okay to say no to their parents, especially when they ask them to crawl into a flying saucer shaped Mylar balloon. Or go up in the attic above the garage and hid in a cardboard box for a couple hours from authorities for a poorly thought-out and executed publicity stunt to get a reality TV show of their own.

Mrs. Ryan went on to quote the statistics behind parental balloon abduction, justifying her decision to have the ‘Balloon Boy’ in this year’s Marcy’s Thanksgiving parade.

“This year, so far, there has been just the one case,” acknowledged Mrs. Ryan. ”But we are expecting at least one more like it to occur in our lifetime.”

However, in all this, we must not lose sight of what ‘Thanksgiving’ is all about, insists Mrs. Ryan.

“Thanksgiving’ should be a time when we bring the family altogether and count our blessings,” continued Mrs. Ryan. “And this year, we can all be thankful that we’re not an adolescent member of the Heene household…Oh yeah, and not only for the safe return of Little Falcon, but especially for his throwing up, not once but twice, on national TV, but also for his managing to spill the beans in the process as well.”

Below the giant helium filled ‘Balloon Boy’ figurine will be a float carrying the emergency rescuers that responded to the balloon boy 911 call, as well as the parents of Falcon Heene behind bars in effigy.


Copyright© 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Is Levi Johnston’s ‘Hockey Stick’ in Playgirl Photoshopped?

New York, New York --

Rumors abound emanating from behind the scenes of the Playgirl photoshoot of Levi Johnston that say his nude pix were Photoshoped to enhance his manhood. "He didn't really didn't pose with a hockey stick," alleges the photographer's assistant that took the nude photos of Levi Johnston. "It was a toothpick."

Evidently, it was Johnston’s idea to pose nude with his hockey stick. Believing it would suggest in the eye of the beholder both girth and length of his male member. Only it obstructed too much of his body.

As the photographer and Johnston went through the proofs, a mutual decision had to be made.

“Johnston was embarrassed when I suggested we use a toothpick instead,” said the photographer’s assistant. “But it was just the right size.”

Johnston even walked off the set he was so upset. However, the Playgirl photographer was able to bring him back by reaching a compromise with him.

“We Photoshopped the toothpick to look like his hockey stick,” said the photographer’s assistant.

It took two photoshoot sessions to complete, but in the end the photographer and his assistant were finally able to get the desired effects, using their software to manipulate hardware to slowly morph a toothpick into a hockey stick.

“Wow!” said Johnston expressing his satisfaction with the finished product. “I thought only my girlfriend could do that -- she’s going to a trade school to become a graphic artist.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Chris Brown Down at the YMCA

Burbank, California --

“Now y’all maybe wondering, along with the rest of my studio audience, why I’m wearing these bright red gloves, colorful shorts and tightly laced up shoes standing opposite of Chris Brown in this Olympic sized boxing ring here at the Burbank YMCA,” said Dr. Phil “While the answer is simple enough, I’m going to kick Mr. Brown’s ass.”

“What? Wait a minute,” said Chris Brown as he stood in the center of the ring face-to-face with Dr. Phil and a referee. “Is this what all this is…a bout? Is this why you had me dress up in this getup?”

As the referee officiated, relaying the rules of the match, Chris Brown noticed something peculiar about the referee’s line of sight.

“Hey, man. Why are you staring out into space like that?” asked Chris Brown of the referee. “Oh man! You’re blind, aren’t you?”

Dr. Phil then inserted his mouthpiece, gave a nod to a man sitting ringside that rang a bell, signaling the beginning of the first round.

Waving his gloved hands up in the air in disbelief, Chris Brown was unprepared as Dr. Phil landed the first punch. An upper cut right to Brown’s chin. Surprisingly, it had little to no effect.

Dr. Phil then circled Chris Brown with his head down low behind his gloves, bobbing and weaving.

A giant plasma screen above both their heads began to play a prerecorded message from Dr. Phil.

“If you look around the arena, Chris, you’ll notice that I have all my studio audience cheering me on in my section of the stands,” said Dr. Phil wearing a suit in the video. “While all you got some homeless man that just happened to wonder in to take a nap and that we promised to give a warm meal to, just to sit on your side of the arena and cheer you on.”

A homeless man rose to his feet and let out a cheer before coughing excessively and having to sit back down rubbing his back.

“So you think you can take me on?” said a defiant Chris Brown as he began shuffle his feet like a boxer and throw out punches inches away from Dr. Phil’s nose. “Well, what are you waiting for old man? Retirement? Bring it on!”

Chris Brown suddenly let loose a barrage of punches taking Dr. Phil and his studio audience by surprise.

Soon Dr. Phil was on the ropes by the end of the first round.

As the bell finally rang, the round girl came out holding up a sign indicating the number of rounds competed in the match so far – ‘ONE’ – on it, when Chris Brown struck her on the jaw with a knock out punch he intended for Dr. Phil, sending her flying into the arms of the homeless guy.

“Damn! Not again,” yelled out Chris Brown. “The judge is never gonna believe this one.”

“What?” said a semiconscious Dr. Phil still hanging onto the ropes in a daze. “You had enough already, punk?”

As Chris Brown exited the ring, jumping over the ropes, to attend to the young attractive lady he knocked out, the blind referee quickly felt his way to Dr. Phil by the sound his gowns and moans. Grabbing his arm and raising it up in the air declared him the winner by default for Chris Brown having left the ring.

“Let that be a lesson to you, Chris,” tried to moralize a punch drunk Dr. Phil with a swollen eye, cut lip and slurred speech. “Next time you hit a woman, you’ll have me to contend with…Contend with me. Ha, I just made a funny. Oh, I don’t feel so good. Can I lie down right here? Just for a moment?”

“I’m so sorry baby,” Chris Brown said to the still unconscious woman. “But you walked into it, baby…Just like -- ”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

“Jon and Kate Plus 8” Move to Mexico to Save Their Marriage?

Baja California, Mexico --

Rumor has it that Jon and Kate have formed their own production company and have moved to Mexico to save their marriage...and their show. But some critics say the real motive behind the move is to avoid the strict child labor laws that Jon has accused the former production company of violating.

"Jon and Kate are looking at this time away from the every watchful eye of the media, and the child labor laws the U.S., as a healing time," confirmed the Gosselin's recently hired publicist. "A last chance to save their marriage, if you will."

Reportedly, Kate is already home schooling the children that are still too young to work at the local maquiladora (mill) on the U.S./Mexico International Boarder, while Jon drives the others that are old enough to work in the early predawn hours.

"That's not completely true," says Kate insisting that she was never just a stay-at-home wife back in the states, so why should she start now that she is living in Mexico. "I only home school the kids half a day. The rest of it, I throw them in the back of the car, hand them each a box filed with those tiny colorful packs of square candy-gum and drop them off on the street corner."

Kate says that it satisfies one of the 4-H Club junior entrepreneur requirements that home schooling accepts as credit for its home economics course.

"That's if Carlos [a local 16-year-old thug] doesn't cut any of them for encroaching on his territory," says Kate.

"But if they do get cut," adds Kate, always looking on the bright side of things. "Then the other kids will have an opportunity to earn their Fist-Aid merit badge for patching each other up."

Meanwhile, Jon forgets to pick up the kids he left at the maquiladora earlier in the morning, because he is too busy having a drink with a pretty little senorita at the local Cantina (sports bar).

"Believe me, knowing Jon, she's no senorita any more," says Kate as she flashes her high beams in a darken alleyway chasing away Carlos, who had the kids cornered with a knife, their backs against the wall. "Stop playing around with Carlos and get the damn car! Pronto! Your daddy forgot to pick up your bother and sisters at the maquiladora. And heard coyotes howling in the background again."

"Do you need any help seniora Gosselin?" Carlos yells out.

"No thanks, Carlos," replied Kate as she pulled out of the alley. "But macho gracias just the same."

Oblivious to the time, back at the Cantina, Jon continues to lament his life to anyone who will listen.

"By the looks of me, you'd say I'm a young man," said an inebriated Jon to a young attractive Mexican woman sitting at the end of the bar. "But do you know how many kids I have?"

"No senior, how many?" politely asks the senorita as she stirs her drink.

"Eight!" replies Jon, throwing another shot of tequila down his throat.

"Just eight?" responds the young senorita, looking confused.

"For the last time, stay in the damn car kids! And keep those windows rolled up!" yells out Kate as she struggles to hold off a pack of coyotes (which are multiplying by the minute) with only a road flare in hand. "I'll be right back with your brothers and sisters. The tracks look like they were dragged off in this direction. Hopefully to the same shallow den again...And don't you dare call your daddy on that cell phone! I can handle this alone; I've had eight kids. I can do anything. Oh, and don't turn on the lights in the car, or you'll lower the battery like the last time!"


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

YouTube’s Masturbating Playboy Bunny Gets Psychoanalyzed on the Dr. Phil Show

Burbank, California --

"Now, I for one believe you when you say you can't physically restrain yourself from masturbating," said a sympatric Dr. Phil to YouTube's masturbating Playboy Bunny. "I mean just take a look at you...who could? I know I couldn't. Hell if I had a body like yours, I wouldn't even get out of bed."

Dr. Phil then reached out to touch the knee of the Playboy Bunny and leaning over to her during commercial break, asking her some questions.

"You say you constantly feel the need to masturbate? Is that right?" asked a disbelieving Dr. Phil of the sexy vixen.

The Playboy Bunny coyly nodded her head in the affirmative.

"Do you feel the need right now?" asked a surprised Dr. Phil withdrawing his hand from the young attractive woman's knee.

Again, the Playboy Bunny nodded her head and then without a spoken word she rose up and walked over to a light green "Port-A-Potty" placed on the stage behind her.

As the show came back from commercial break, Dr. Phil addressed the studio audience and viewers at home with an empty guest seat and low groans coming from the "Port-A-Potty".

"As you saw earlier before we went to commercial break," said a nervous Dr, Phil. "My guest today is the Playboy Bunny that has appeared on YouTube admitting to her personal problem with masturbation."

Just then the Playboy Bunny exited the "Port-A-Potty" and rejoined Dr. Phil, sitting at his side.

"Forgive me for asking you such a personal question, but I am a trained medical professional who will not judge you for your lifestyle decisions," said Dr. Phil as he wiped his hand on his pants, after shaking hands with the Playboy Bunny. "But while you were just in there...now how do I put this...were you choking the chicken, slapping the monkey....In short, pleasuring yourself again?"

"More like playing 'Hello Kitty, Dr. Phil," final spoke up the Playboy Bunny as he began to nervously cross her legs. "But it's not really me who wants to masturbate all the time."

"Well, who is it then?" replied Dr. Phil laughing along with the audience.

"No. I'm serious," said the Playboy Bunny as she held up her right hand. "It forces me to masturbate. I just run off into any room to hide. So that no body sees it doing what it does to me."

Dr. Phil then stopped laughing and took a closer look, examining the hand in detail.

"It starts with a slight tremor," explained the Playboy Bunny to a now dumbfounded captive audience. "Then slowly brushes the side of my face, running the back of its fingers against my neck, caressing my breasts before moving on between my legs."

"Excuse me," said Dr. Phil to the Playboy Bunny. "But I couldn't help notice that your right hand is starting to twitch. Does that mean you're feeling the need to...umm, relieve yourself right now?"

Biting her lower lip, the Playboy Bunny just nodded her head and ran off to the "Port-A-Potty" again.

While the Playboy Bunny was in the "Port-A-Potty" masturbating, Dr. Phil did his best to explain the possible medical causes of the Playboy Bunny's condition but no one, including the cameraman, was paying attention. All eyes and cameras remained focused on the "Port-A-Potty" as moans and groans that were even more pronounced than before emanated from inside.

"You see, I believe my guest is inflected with the rare disease called 'Phantom Hand Syndrome' which usually results in a person's own hand, being it the right or left, to choke the individual to death," said Dr. Phil over the din of the siren cries of ecstasy.

As the "Port-A-Potty" began to slowly rock back-and-forth, beads of sweat gathered on Dr. Phil's forehead and upper lip as he stood on the stage, just listening along with the rest of the audience to the animal like grunts and growls.

Finally, as the show returned from commercial break and the Playboy Bunny showed no sign of letting up, Dr. Phil had no choice, but to pull up his chair alongside the rocking "Port-A-Potty" and continue with his interview.

"Are y'all okay in there?" asked Dr. Phil, putting a microphone up to the "Port-A-Potty" door.

"Yes! Yes!" screeched out the Playboy Bunny from behind the green "Port-A-Potty" door. "Oh, yes!"

A few moments later, the Playboy Bunny came out again and resumed her interview with Dr. Phil to a stunned and somewhat flustered studio audience. However, as soon as she sat down, her left hand now began to tremor.

"Oh, no!" cried out the Playboy Bunny. "Not the left one too."

Again the young attractive women raced to the "Port-A-Potty", while the studio audience wiggled uncomfortably in their seats, now fanning themselves with their hands.

"Now, normally I caution my audience to refrain from ingesting tobacco products," said Dr. Phil speaking directly to the studio audience, while he reached into his coat pocket pulling out a pack of cigarettes. "But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception. Smoke them if you got them. This could be a very, very long show."


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Dr. Phil Blames 40 Years of Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster for Kid Obesity

Burbank, California --

"You do realize that some critics hold you solely responsible for the current epidemic of obesity in American children today," said Dr. Phil as he spoke with Sesame Street's 'Cookie Monster'. "Now I wouldn't go that far as to blame just you. Diet and heredity has a lot to do with kids gaining weight, too. But, and that's a big but, no pun intended, I do hold your eating disorder and obsession with cookies in particular partially responsible. After all you have been on TV for 40 years influencing and shaping young minds."

Dr. Phil then went on to show a montage of video footage of The Cookie Monster eating cookies throughout the years, while on Sesame Street. Including a few PSA spots the Cookie Monster did trying to reverse the negative impact he had on children’s diets and improve his own health as well. That is before he fell off the wagon. Returning to his eating disorder and obsession with cookies.

Dr. Phil then paused the video.

“Now here is what I’m talking about when I say eating disorder,” said Dr. Phil. “You’re not even eating those cookies, you’re just wolfing those suckers down your throat. In fact, most of them are not even being eaten. They’re just ending up as crumbs on the floor. Yet you continue to eat like there is no tomorrow. And guess what today is? Tomorrow. And yesterday is over. I’m going to help you Cookie Monster. I’m going help you from you.”

Dr. Phil then handed the Cookie Monster a copy of his latest diet book, “How to Stop Your Inner Child from Raiding the Cookie Jar”.

“For me?” said the Cookie Monster, as he held it in front of him examining it closely. “No one ever gave book to Cookie Monster, only cookies and letters from alphabet. Never words all together in book.”

“Yes,” said Dr. Phil. “It's all for you.”

“Too bad Cookie Monster never learned how to read in over 40 years on show,” said the Cookie Monster as he began to sniff the book. “Otherwise, Cookie Monster would sit down in front of fireplace and snuggle up with book, instead of just milk and cookies.”

“My God,” said Dr. Phil. “You mean to say you’re illiterate too?”

“What mean the word you say, 'illiterate?” asked the Cookie Monster as he began to rip the pages out of the book and eat them.

“Never mind that,” said Dr. Phil as he reached over trying to take away the book from the Cookie Monster. “Stop eating my book. You stupid beast!”

“You just like the rest on Sesame Street,” said the Cookie Monster, while continuing to eat pages from Dr. Phil’s diet book. “They never teach Cookie Monster how to read. That make Cookie Monster nervous. And when Cookie Monster gets nervous. Cookie Monster needs to eat cookies!”

As Dr. Phil got up to chase the Cookie Monster around the studio, the Cookie Monster would momentarily pause pointing to signs asking what they meant.

“What that sign say?” asked the Cookie Monster of himself staring at an applause sign. “Cooke Monster don’t know. That make Cookie Monster nervous. So Cookie Monster eat another cookie!”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween Hospital X-Ray Finds Chupacabra Hiding Inside Pillowcase Instead of Candy

Los Cruxes, New Mexico --

Forget finding a razorblade inside an apple; try a chupacabra hiding inside your pillowcase of Halloween candy instead. Well, that is exactly happen to 13-year-old Little Johnny Myers in a small rural town 100 miles outside of Armijo, New Mexico, as the crow flies.

“Even though we’re living in a town that can’t afford electricity, running water or even a name, I always try to make Little Johnny feel like he’s not missing out on anything,” said Helen Myers, 29, and a single mother, who drives her son in the back of her pickup truck 20 miles to the nearest neighbors so he can ‘Trick-or-Treat’.

It is believed that sometime while Little Johnny was walking back to his mother’s old pickup truck, after getting his candy form the neighbor house, that the chupcabra snuck into his pillowcase to eat all his candy inside.

“I thought Little Johnny just had too much candy inside is all,” said Ms. Myers, as she witnessed her son dressed up as Max from ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ struggle to carry his pillowcase and throw it into the back. “After all, the Gomez family is our only stop and they do try to make it worth the trip.”

However, when Ms. Myers looked into her rearview mirror and saw her son still struggling with his pillowcase -- that by now was now wiggling and rolling in the flatbed -- she knew something was up.

“That’s when I told Little Johnny to hold on, we’re going to he hospital to get that sack of candy x-rayed,” said Ms. Myers.

While waiting in the emergency room lobby, Little Johnny had to run after his pillowcase. Having to tackle it even, to prevent it from escaping.

Later as a doctor, nurse and orderly struggled to pry the pillowcase of candy from Little Johnny’s arms to x-ray it, he put up such a fight they had to take the x-ray with Little Johnny still holding on to his sack of candy.

“Even after we showed Little Johnny the x-ray of the empty pillowcase because the Chupacabra inside ate up all his candy, he wouldn’t let go,” said the attending physician.

With the chupacabra sound asleep in his pillowcase Little Johnny walked out into the parking lot, while his mother took care of the medical bill.

By the time Ms. Myers got outside, Little Johnny had strung up his pillowcase to a nearby tree and was swinging away at it with a stick.

“Stop that Little Johnny!” cried out Ms. Myers. But it was too late.

Soon Little Johnny had all his Halloween candy back in his custody again, even if he had to pick it up off the ground.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween White House Still Handing Out Eye Candy To Nation

Washington, D.C. --

Standing at the front entrance of the White House with the first lady faithfully at his side handing out Halloween candy, Barack Obama, dressed as himself, was criticized not only by Republicans this time around, but by an ever-growing chorus of Democrats and Independent voices too, as an imposter; merely disguising as the president of change he promised he would be and has yet to fulfill.

Meanwhile, not missing a beat to forward their causes, lobbyists bribed little kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins waiting in line to see the president, stealing their store bought and homemade costumes and chance to get White House candy away from them.

“You know when I promised the American people transparency, I meant it,” proudly said Barack Obama, as he posed for a photo op dropping candy into overfilled extended pillowcases, while leaving others empty yet to be filled.

“Trick or Treat?’ Mr. President,” said the lobbyists, still disguised as kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins.

“Oh, kids come on in,” said Obama, inviting the lobbyists inside the White House. “Help yourself to anything you want.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo