California Tree Huggers Lured Out of Treetops by Promise of Private Screening of ‘Avatar’



"If I would have known I’d end up on a T-shirt,
I would have spent more time planning
my estate than revolutions."®

Arcadia, California --

Faced with a public relation nightmare of having to forcibly dislodge environmental protestors perched treetop in a 100 year-old grove of trees slated for demolition to help clear a nearby catch basin for a dam at the foot of the San Gabriel mountains, police decided to take a different tact. And fight fire with fire instead.

“Our intelligence division informed us that we were dealing with a group of idealistic nonviolent individuals whose civil disobedience and call to action was inspired by the movie ‘Avatar,” said police. “So we thought, ‘Why not use that against them?”

Undercover of dark, police quickly proceeded to setup an outdoor theater at the end of the arroyo complete with a giant plasma TV screen, surround-a-sound vibrating chairs, 3-D glasses, snack bar and a cardboard cutout of ‘Avatar’ director, James Cameron, standing on a red carpet behind a velvet rope entrance taking tickets.

“A similar technique is used in the plains of Africa to lure younger Baboons from their troop to get them to lead tribesman to water in the area,” police explained.

One by one the treetop protesters voluntarily left their perches to get a closer look at what was going on at the end of the arroyo.

Peeking through the grove of trees they vowed never to leave and defend with their lives, the second they saw ‘Avatar’ was playing, the protestors ran pass the James Cameron cutout and took up their seats in the makeshift outdoor theater.

“Yeah, but not before stopping off at the snack bar to pickup an armful of junk food,” said police.

Ironically, most of the protestors were fast asleep before the movie’s opening credits rolled on screen. No doubt physically exhausted by their ordeal.

“Or more likely overtaken by a sugar rush they got by eating all the junk food they pigged out on,” said police.

In the predawn hours, early next morning, police were carrying off the protestors, all still asleep in their arms, to a police van waiting to be driven off to a nearby police station for their processing.

“Later, when they wake up, we’ll book them for trespassing,” said police, as they hung a ‘PLEASE, DO NOT DISTURB’ sign (made out 100% recycled paper) on the backdoor of the police van before driving away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Winter Blizzard 2010: ‘Vapoorized’ Glaciers?

Washington, D.C. --

In a desperate attempt to reconstitute themselves after melting away and hanging around up in the atmosphere like so much accumulated moisture, glaciers made a successful reappearance back on the surface of the earth. Choosing perhaps the east coast of the United States and Washington, D.C. in particular to make a political statement to the nation in the form of record snowfall this year, giving climate change deniers, and the science impaired just enough rope to hang themselves.

“I wondered where they went,” said Alberto Santiago, Professor of Climatology at the Cassandra Institute of Foresight who has been unsuccessfully tracking the glaciers ever since they began to melt due to climate change. “I mean it’s not like they were giant pieces of dog poo. And God himself took out a giant can of ‘Vapoorize’ like in that movie ‘envy’ and sprayed it on them until they disappeared into thin air. I mean like the dog poo in that movie, it has to go somewhere, right?”

Professor Santiago finally caught up with the elusive ‘evapoorated’ ice packs in Washington, D.C. as he took ice core samples, attempting to verify the origin of the record snowfall. And even, in some cases, the identity of the former glacier itself.

Professor Santiago made his heroic stand as he braved the elements in the noble quest, or perhaps obsession, of his profession: the pursuit of truth. Burrowing in subzero temperatures in near zero visibility conditions, however, straight through the roof of somebody’s snow-covered car, mistaking it for a snowdrift.

“This ice right here is not from any glacier. I can tell you that,” said Professor Santiago, sniffing the core sample, which was covered with human and pet hair, car fluids, carpet fibers, candy wrappers, chewed up bubblegum, cigarette butts and pieces of colored plastic and broken glass.

“See! What did I tell you I folks,” yelled out conservative radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh from the backseat of a passing custom-built black Hummer limousine with a plow attached to the front. “Global Warming is a hoax!”

“It’s not from a glacier at all,” explained Professor Santiago as he extended his tongue tasting the frozen water, getting it stuck on the ice core sample. “Ethit’s fram an iceberr!”

One that Professor Santiago had been tracking off the Falkland Islands last summer but lost sight of when briefly he went below decks of the research vessel to use the restroom.

“And when I returned a few minutes later, it was gone,” said Professor Santiago, rubbing his belly. “I never should have had those Penguin tacos.”

Carefully Professor Santiago packed up his core samples he took into plastic baggies, packing them away into an ice chest marked: “More Iceberg Samples 2005 – To Present.”

“Well,” said a determined Professor Santiago as he checked the last of his bags at the airline ticket counter. “I’m off again.”

Professor Santiago received a phone call via satellite the night before, informing him of suspicious looking floodwaters in the United Kingdom.

“That could be one of my missing glaciers,” said Professor Santiago, clutching his stomach. “Oh, I don’t think I should have tasted that ice core sample. Oh well, at least I have English cuisine to look forward to.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo