Burbank, California --
Not quite recovered himself, not so much from the loss of the ‘The Tonight Show’ but of the friends he made out of the guests, co-workers and producers that appeared on it, perhaps it is befitting then that Conan O’Brien has reached out to an alienated alcoholic, nicotine-addicted male chimp named Zhora. A former entertainer of sorts himself in a traveling circus that roamed the Ukrainian countryside with gypsies, bringing smiles to the dirty faces of the impoverished children of nomadic tribesman in the radioactive shadow of Chernobyl.
“You see,” said Conan O’Brien in a webcam plea from his kid’s playhouse in his Beverly Hills backyard, asking the Russian rehab facility that is currently treating the chimp, if he can adopt him. “I know what it is like to have lost a career recently, and I really, really miss that. But what I miss even more is the friends that I made while practicing my profession.”
Conan O’Brien then gave a tour of the children’s playhouse he was streaming his show on the web from. Showing off still photographs of his friends that he hung on the walls. Friends that he so dearly missed: ‘Robo Pimp’, ‘The Masturbating Bear’ and ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog, just to mention a few.
“Ah, here’s a photo of one I miss the most,” said Conan O’Brien visibly shaken by the touching sentiments scrawled on the bottom of the autographed glossy black and white image of ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog. The caption underneath reading: ‘Here’s to Conan…for me to poop on!’
“Truly, ‘Triumph’ the Comic Insult Dog was this man’s best friend,” said Conan O’Brien, wiping away a tear as he spoke. Then looking directly into the webcam he added, poker faced: “And what a ratings getter too.”
Conan O’Brien then sat back down onto his bright plastic pink child’s chair that was to small for him, adjusting the webcam as he wiggled his way back into it. And lifting up a black attaché case, placing it onto the white plastic table before him that had blue, yellow and orange flower stickers on it, he smiled sinisterly, as he slowly opened it up, revealing stacks of money contained in it.
“That’s right,” said Conan O’Brien, his voice sounding demonstratively villainous. “They’re all Benjamin’s, six columns wide, three rows tall and six inches deep…Now gentlemen…tell me. Do I have a producer for my new ‘Twitter’ show, or not?”
Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
Universal City, California --
Not one to disappoint his fans, Conan O’Brien, former host of ‘The Tonight Show’ and consummate funnyman, used his ‘Twitter’ account to keep in shape since leaving the late night talk show circuit by conducting his first interview from his backyard. His first guest: a squirrel he encountered. However, the cute skit quickly turned ugly, resulting in him having to cut to commercial and asking for assistance.
“Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard. Then threw to commercial. Somebody help me,” ‘Tweeted’ Conan O’Brien to his loyal fans who eagerly await his return to network TV, cable or even the Internet.
“Conan O’Brien has never been funnier,” said Wanda Sykes, a comedienne, sitcom TV star, talk show host on FOX and Jay Leno fan when she received the O’Brien ‘Tweet’, thinking it was a joke. “I laughed so hard when I read it. I said to myself, ‘Too bad he couldn’t be that funny on ‘The Tonight Show’.”
Unfortunately for Conan O’Brien it was no joke.
“Due to the limited number of characters someone can ‘Tweet’ to express themselves,” said a spokesman for ‘Twitter’. “Conan O’Brien’s cry for help was misinterpreted by those who received his brief message.”
“He [Conan O’Brien] thought it would be funny to interview a squirrel that lives in a tree in our backyard,” explained Mrs. O’Brien to the fire department that responded to her 911 call, as they attended to her husband who was laid out on the lawn under a tree. “So he sat down at the playhouse we got for the kids and started interviewing this, this squirrel.”
However, Conan O’Brien did not realize that he was sitting across the table having a cup of tea with a rabid squirrel that quickly lunged at him, attacking him.
“I guess his instincts as a professional talk show host kicked in,” said Mrs. O’Brien.
While he struggled to remove the squirrel attached to his face, Conan O’Brien maintained his composure by throwing to a commercial before asking for help.
“All the while he was still ‘Tweeting’ to his fans,” said Mrs. O’Brien.
Mrs. O’Brien managed to scare off the squirrel with a garden hose, washing it off her husband’s face.
“He always puts his fans first,” said Mrs. O’Brien attempting to comfort the crying O’Brien children as they waved bye-bye to their father.
As the paramedics lifted up Conan O’Brien on the gurney, locking the wheels in place and began rolling him out to the ambulance parked in the driveway, he spoke to the EMT’s from beneath his oxygen mask, his pale white face bearing tiny red scratch marks.
“Could you X-ray my stomach when we get to the hospital? I think that squirrel laid an egg inside me, or something,” said frightened looking Conan O’Brien, his trademarked red quaff of a cowlick all a muss. “Wait…did you see that? My chest…did it bulge just now? Or was that the wind blowing up my shirt? Oh my God! Get it off of me! Get it off me! Now back to you Ed…Heeerrreee’s Johnny!” Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo
Burbank, California --
