Osama Bin Laden Nearly Escaped? Armed with a Herring?

Washington, D.C. --

Details are rapidly moving beyond sketchy. Into contradictory testimony territory and well into mental hopscotch mode regarding last Sunday’s daring raid by Special Forces on the secret lair of Osama bin Laden, located miles outside Abbottabad, Pakistan.

Despite initial reports filed by the mainstream media, for example, aided by sensational computer animations of the infamous terrorist leader firing an AK-47 at an approaching Black Hawk helicopter from the rooftop of his compound (or from inside), it is now reported instead that he was shot and killed, while unarmed.

However, the photographic evidence taken at the scene by a news crew shortly after the raid has now clearly contradicted those reports, like so many subsequently since. And which is now being scrutinized and analyzed by the likes of armchair generals and Monday morning quarterbacks.

Amongst the images amidst a ransacked room, appears that of a herring.

No doubt suggesting that Bin Laden was armed after all. Armed with a herring.

"It wasn’t just any herring either," said an antiterrorist network TV consultant. "It was a whole intact pickled herring."

According to the antiterrorist network TV consultant's latest theory, Bin Laden successfully beat back the Special Forces for a brief period of time.

"And nearly to the point of unconsciousness with only a pickled herring in hand," continued the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

At that point, Bin Laden was inches away from making his escape from the third floor of his compound.

"When lifting up his hand to make a final blow, striking the face of a Navy SEAL stationed at the only exit," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

Only the herring Bin Laden held in hand suddenly broke off at the tail. Flying over his head, it hit one of his three wives (the only one present in the room at the time) on the leg.

"That left the notorious international terrorist temporarily unarmed," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

And that gave the Special Forces team the time they desperately needed to recover from the surprise herring attack.

However, Bin Laden wasted no time rearming either.

"As he ran back to the pickle jar to reload, Special Forces began shooting at him," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

However, still disoriented with their night vision goggles knocked to the floor, they repeatedly missed their target.

"By the time they reacquired it," continued the antiterrorist network TV consultant. "The hit team was now facing down a rearmed Osama."

Though it was through the assistance of the business end of the barrel of their laser-pointer rifle scopes.

Only this time, Bin Laden was not holding a pickled herring in his hand anymore.

"He was holding two pickled herrings," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant. "They had no choice. They had to take him down."


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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'Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed' Gets A Parental Advisory?

Los Angeles, California --

Terrified that her children were watching a pornographic movie, Angela Brougher, mother of two ran into the living room from the kitchen when she heard ‘Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed’ on ‘Good Morning America’.

"They really should give that cooking segment with Chef Emeril a parental advisory for its suggested sexual content," said Mrs. Brougher who was alarmed by the grunts and groans she heard emanating from her TV set.

"But mostly by the seemingly sexually explicit adult language," Mrs. Brougher explained.

An audio playback and transcript of the cooking segment does seem to confirm Mrs. Brougher’s assertion that the content of the show should be given a parental advisory or at least serious consideration.

However, you are free to determine that for yourself. As the following is a copy of the transcript from that cooking segment, ‘Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed’, which aired earlier today on ‘Good Morning America’. And by today, it is meant today, as in the phrase: Today the ‘Today’ show will not be seen today.

The transcript picks up Emeril’s cooking segment just after he arrives at a house to surprise a mother who has been nominated for a free Mother’s Day breakfast in bed. A meal fully prepared, cooked and served by Mr. Lagasse himself.

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Emeril
Where’s the bed? Let’s roll out the bed!

Mother
Here? Now? On national TV? In front of all these people? What will the neighbors think?

Emeril
Now, let’s kick it up a notch. Mama, get in that bed right now!

Mother
(Giggling)
Well, okay, if you say so, Emeril.

Emeril
Yes, I say so. Now can you feel the love, baby?

Mother
Oh yeah, baby.

Emeril
Yeah baby.

Mother
Yeah, baby!

Emeril
BAM!

Mother
(Groaning with pleasure)

Emeril
Now would like more of my hot Italian sausage?

Mother
Well, if it’s not too spicy. If it’s too spicy, it gives me gas.

Emeril
What kind of gas do you mean? The kind that comes out of your --

Mother
(Pointing to her mouth)
Yeah, the kind that comes from right here.

Emeril
Ah, yes. From your pie hole, not your a –

Mother
Oh look! It seems I have something on my chin.

Emeril
Let me wipe some of that juice off your face.

Mother
No, leave it on. I love your juices and sauces, Emeril. They’re not salty at all.

Emeril
That’s because I believe in following a strict sodium free diet.

Mother
Just give me some more of your honey buns, so I can sop it up like gravy.

Emeril
Would you like some more gravy? Because I have more than a loving spoon full, you know. I have a ladle full.

Mother
Give it to me, Emeril. Let me have it, please.

Emeril
No need to beg for it, little mama. Now would you like some more good stuffing, mama? You look like you could use some more good stuffing.

Mother
You read my mind.

Emeril
Yup. Now let’s kick it up a notch.

Mother
Oh yeah. It has been so long.

Emeril
Yes, mama, I’ve plenty more from where that came from. Just for you because it’s your day today, little mama.

Mother
I don’t understand you look like such a small man, yet --

Emeril
See mama? I got more.

Mother
So you do. So you do. But I’m not sure I can fit any more into my mouth.
I’m just too full as it is.

Emeril
Let’s try and see, okay?

Mother
Well, if you say so. Are you sure it will fit?

Emeril
Yup, it fits. Just barely, I had to squeeze it in.

Mother
(Mumbles with mouth full something inaudible)

Emeril
BAM!

Mother
(Groaning with pleasure)

Emeril
That’s it for today, folks. And to women everywhere, remember you have to be a lover before can be a mother. Well, technically you don’t, but that other option involves a turkey baster and a bottle of really, really cheap red wine. And this is a family show. Besides, we’re out of time.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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White House Releases Death Photo of Geronimo, Instead of Osama Bin Laden

Washington, D.C. --

In a case of alleged mistaken identity, the White House released what they believed was a photo of a deceased Osama bin Laden. However, what they actually released was a grainy, black and white image of a then very much dead, Geronimo instead.

"Actually, we didn't make the mistake. Another branch of government did," said a spokesman for the White House. "But does it really matter anyway? I mean back then to White settlers being massacred on the frontier by the Apache nation, Geronimo was the Osama Bin Laden of their time."

So the White House authorized the release of Geronimo's death photo taken at Fort Sill, Oklahoma on February 17, 1909 as a substitute for Osama bin Laden.

However, some Native Americans believe the so-called "mistaken identity" is payback by some elements in the federal government for their release of a controversial but popular T-shirt. A silkscreen reprint of a black and white photo of a group of armed Native Americans from the 19th century (Geronimo among them) with an accompanying caption, which reads: "[The Original] Homeland Security – Fighting Terrorism Since 1492"

"I guess some of our White brothers resented the comparison of their ancestors to terrorists," said a Native American. "Sound familiar?"


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Osama bin Laden Falls Victim to SNL’s "Land Shark" Comedy Skit

Around The World --

Initial reports are still kind of sketchy at this time, however, it is rumored that Osama bin Laden spent his last breath laughing himself to death when he opened his bedroom door at his million dollar Pakistani compound hideout, a victim basically to an old modified knock-knock joke.

Apparently, Osama arose from his mattress to answer his bedroom door only to find a U.S. Special Forces Navy SEAL dressed in an old "Land Shark" costume from a Saturday Night (SNL) comedy skit of the same name, aiming the business end of a barrel of a machinegun at his head.

"Finger on a hairline trigger, ready to fire at close range a ‘Double Tap’ shot: one to the head and the other to the chest," said a spokesman from the State Department.

"You guys are really great," Osama reportedly said in a familiar and relaxed tone as he turned his back, reaching under his mattress pulling out wads of cash. "The best yet, ever! You know, you guys really had me fooled this time. If it weren’t for your silly ‘Land Shark’ suits, I really would’ve thought you were really Americans, finally coming to get me. Now here, take this money and leave your report on how I can improve my compound security on the living room table on your way out. I’ll review it first thing in the morning."

However, when the SEAL repeated his orders for Osama to surrender, suddenly he realized something was wrong and instinctively reached for his AK-47.

Just then, the SEAL enveloped the head and upper torso of Osama, using the mouth of his SNL "Land Shark" costume to consume him.

Later, the body was disposed at sea.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Duke William Files for Name Change: 'The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William'

London, England --

According to those close to the royal family, Prince William rather heavily lobbied the Queen Elizabeth II of England, his grandmother, to retain his title: Prince of Wales so that his then fiancée, Catharine, could continued to be referred to as Princess.

However, the Queen declined the request and without stating a reason why, bestowed the titles of Duke William and Duchess Catharine of Cambridge on the recently wed couple instead.

Perhaps as a sign of rebellion, the newly appointed Duke and Duchess jumped into their convertible, an Aston Martin. And with the top down, drove off the grounds of Buckingham Palace, headed straight for the nearest Barrister to get his former title legally restored.

"They make such a lovely couple," said the Barrister that heard the royal case. "But I told him my order to grant his name change is tentative at best. Likely to be overruled by the Queen herself when she gets wind of it."

Until then, however, Duke William won the right to be legally addressed as, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William".

"It was the best I could do," explained the Barrister, who later confessed off the record that he confided with the Queen. Secretly getting her approval on the temporary name change in advance of his ruling.

"It will take time for Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Common Wealth to get adjusted to the name change," continued the Barrister back on the record. "So I advised them that it would be wise to present the court ordered name change where ever they go. So that way they avoid any ‘imperial entanglements’. They really do make a lovely couple."

"It’s a good thing they had that piece of paper with them," said a royal footman in service at Buckingham Palace, who was among the first to be presented the legal document. "I almost slipped up and called him Duke William."

However, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William" flashed the piece of paper to the footman, saving them both embarrassment of a social faux pas of a royal magnitude.

"He saved my neck. That he did. That he did. Figuratively speaking, of course," said the footman. "I mean they stopped doing that sort of stuff around here centuries ago. Didn’t they? Oh my God! The maid, she forgot to curtsy. That’s’ it. She’s done in for sure! Sure as Bob’s your uncle."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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