Café Jive: 2011

Osama Bin Laden Nearly Escaped? Armed with a Herring?

Washington, D.C. --

Details are rapidly moving beyond sketchy. Into contradictory testimony territory and well into mental hopscotch mode regarding last Sunday’s daring raid by Special Forces on the secret lair of Osama bin Laden, located miles outside Abbottabad, Pakistan.

Despite initial reports filed by the mainstream media, for example, aided by sensational computer animations of the infamous terrorist leader firing an AK-47 at an approaching Black Hawk helicopter from the rooftop of his compound (or from inside), it is now reported instead that he was shot and killed, while unarmed.

However, the photographic evidence taken at the scene by a news crew shortly after the raid has now clearly contradicted those reports, like so many subsequently since. And which is now being scrutinized and analyzed by the likes of armchair generals and Monday morning quarterbacks.

Amongst the images amidst a ransacked room, appears that of a herring.

No doubt suggesting that Bin Laden was armed after all. Armed with a herring.

"It wasn’t just any herring either," said an antiterrorist network TV consultant. "It was a whole intact pickled herring."

According to the antiterrorist network TV consultant's latest theory, Bin Laden successfully beat back the Special Forces for a brief period of time.

"And nearly to the point of unconsciousness with only a pickled herring in hand," continued the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

At that point, Bin Laden was inches away from making his escape from the third floor of his compound.

"When lifting up his hand to make a final blow, striking the face of a Navy SEAL stationed at the only exit," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

Only the herring Bin Laden held in hand suddenly broke off at the tail. Flying over his head, it hit one of his three wives (the only one present in the room at the time) on the leg.

"That left the notorious international terrorist temporarily unarmed," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

And that gave the Special Forces team the time they desperately needed to recover from the surprise herring attack.

However, Bin Laden wasted no time rearming either.

"As he ran back to the pickle jar to reload, Special Forces began shooting at him," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant.

However, still disoriented with their night vision goggles knocked to the floor, they repeatedly missed their target.

"By the time they reacquired it," continued the antiterrorist network TV consultant. "The hit team was now facing down a rearmed Osama."

Though it was through the assistance of the business end of the barrel of their laser-pointer rifle scopes.

Only this time, Bin Laden was not holding a pickled herring in his hand anymore.

"He was holding two pickled herrings," said the antiterrorist network TV consultant. "They had no choice. They had to take him down."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.
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'Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed' Gets A Parental Advisory?

Los Angeles, California --

Terrified that her children were watching a pornographic movie, Angela Brougher, mother of two ran into the living room from the kitchen when she heard ‘Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed’ on ‘Good Morning America’.

"They really should give that cooking segment with Chef Emeril a parental advisory for its suggested sexual content," said Mrs. Brougher who was alarmed by the grunts and groans she heard emanating from her TV set.

"But mostly by the seemingly sexually explicit adult language," Mrs. Brougher explained.

An audio playback and transcript of the cooking segment does seem to confirm Mrs. Brougher’s assertion that the content of the show should be given a parental advisory or at least serious consideration.

However, you are free to determine that for yourself. As the following is a copy of the transcript from that cooking segment, ‘Emeril’s Mother’s Day Breakfast in Bed’, which aired earlier today on ‘Good Morning America’. And by today, it is meant today, as in the phrase: Today the ‘Today’ show will not be seen today.

The transcript picks up Emeril’s cooking segment just after he arrives at a house to surprise a mother who has been nominated for a free Mother’s Day breakfast in bed. A meal fully prepared, cooked and served by Mr. Lagasse himself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emeril
Where’s the bed? Let’s roll out the bed!

Mother
Here? Now? On national TV? In front of all these people? What will the neighbors think?

Emeril
Now, let’s kick it up a notch. Mama, get in that bed right now!

Mother
(Giggling)
Well, okay, if you say so, Emeril.

Emeril
Yes, I say so. Now can you feel the love, baby?

Mother
Oh yeah, baby.

Emeril
Yeah baby.

Mother
Yeah, baby!

Emeril
BAM!

Mother
(Groaning with pleasure)

Emeril
Now would like more of my hot Italian sausage?

Mother
Well, if it’s not too spicy. If it’s too spicy, it gives me gas.

Emeril
What kind of gas do you mean? The kind that comes out of your --

Mother
(Pointing to her mouth)
Yeah, the kind that comes from right here.

Emeril
Ah, yes. From your pie hole, not your a –

Mother
Oh look! It seems I have something on my chin.

Emeril
Let me wipe some of that juice off your face.

Mother
No, leave it on. I love your juices and sauces, Emeril. They’re not salty at all.

Emeril
That’s because I believe in following a strict sodium free diet.

Mother
Just give me some more of your honey buns, so I can sop it up like gravy.

Emeril
Would you like some more gravy? Because I have more than a loving spoon full, you know. I have a ladle full.

Mother
Give it to me, Emeril. Let me have it, please.

Emeril
No need to beg for it, little mama. Now would you like some more good stuffing, mama? You look like you could use some more good stuffing.

Mother
You read my mind.

Emeril
Yup. Now let’s kick it up a notch.

Mother
Oh yeah. It has been so long.

Emeril
Yes, mama, I’ve plenty more from where that came from. Just for you because it’s your day today, little mama.

Mother
I don’t understand you look like such a small man, yet --

Emeril
See mama? I got more.

Mother
So you do. So you do. But I’m not sure I can fit any more into my mouth.
I’m just too full as it is.

Emeril
Let’s try and see, okay?

Mother
Well, if you say so. Are you sure it will fit?

Emeril
Yup, it fits. Just barely, I had to squeeze it in.

Mother
(Mumbles with mouth full something inaudible)

Emeril
BAM!

Mother
(Groaning with pleasure)

Emeril
That’s it for today, folks. And to women everywhere, remember you have to be a lover before can be a mother. Well, technically you don’t, but that other option involves a turkey baster and a bottle of really, really cheap red wine. And this is a family show. Besides, we’re out of time.

Happy Mother’s Day!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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White House Releases Death Photo of Geronimo, Instead of Osama Bin Laden

Washington, D.C. --

In a case of alleged mistaken identity, the White House released what they believed was a photo of a deceased Osama bin Laden. However, what they actually released was a grainy, black and white image of a then very much dead, Geronimo instead.

"Actually, we didn't make the mistake. Another branch of government did," said a spokesman for the White House. "But does it really matter anyway? I mean back then to White settlers being massacred on the frontier by the Apache nation, Geronimo was the Osama Bin Laden of their time."

So the White House authorized the release of Geronimo's death photo taken at Fort Sill, Oklahoma on February 17, 1909 as a substitute for Osama bin Laden.

However, some Native Americans believe the so-called "mistaken identity" is payback by some elements in the federal government for their release of a controversial but popular T-shirt. A silkscreen reprint of a black and white photo of a group of armed Native Americans from the 19th century (Geronimo among them) with an accompanying caption, which reads: "[The Original] Homeland Security – Fighting Terrorism Since 1492"

"I guess some of our White brothers resented the comparison of their ancestors to terrorists," said a Native American. "Sound familiar?"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
।wpclipart.com/American_History/Historic_figures/Geronimo.png">http://www।wpclipart.com/American_History/Historic_figures/Geronimo.png">

Osama bin Laden Falls Victim to SNL’s "Land Shark" Comedy Skit

Around The World --

Initial reports are still kind of sketchy at this time, however, it is rumored that Osama bin Laden spent his last breath laughing himself to death when he opened his bedroom door at his million dollar Pakistani compound hideout, a victim basically to an old modified knock-knock joke.

Apparently, Osama arose from his mattress to answer his bedroom door only to find a U.S. Special Forces Navy SEAL dressed in an old "Land Shark" costume from a Saturday Night (SNL) comedy skit of the same name, aiming the business end of a barrel of a machinegun at his head.

"Finger on a hairline trigger, ready to fire at close range a ‘Double Tap’ shot: one to the head and the other to the chest," said a spokesman from the State Department.

"You guys are really great," Osama reportedly said in a familiar and relaxed tone as he turned his back, reaching under his mattress pulling out wads of cash. "The best yet, ever! You know, you guys really had me fooled this time. If it weren’t for your silly ‘Land Shark’ suits, I really would’ve thought you were really Americans, finally coming to get me. Now here, take this money and leave your report on how I can improve my compound security on the living room table on your way out. I’ll review it first thing in the morning."

However, when the SEAL repeated his orders for Osama to surrender, suddenly he realized something was wrong and instinctively reached for his AK-47.

Just then, the SEAL enveloped the head and upper torso of Osama, using the mouth of his SNL "Land Shark" costume to consume him.

Later, the body was disposed at sea.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Duke William Files for Name Change: 'The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William'

London, England --

According to those close to the royal family, Prince William rather heavily lobbied the Queen Elizabeth II of England, his grandmother, to retain his title: Prince of Wales so that his then fiancée, Catharine, could continued to be referred to as Princess.

However, the Queen declined the request and without stating a reason why, bestowed the titles of Duke William and Duchess Catharine of Cambridge on the recently wed couple instead.

Perhaps as a sign of rebellion, the newly appointed Duke and Duchess jumped into their convertible, an Aston Martin. And with the top down, drove off the grounds of Buckingham Palace, headed straight for the nearest Barrister to get his former title legally restored.

"They make such a lovely couple," said the Barrister that heard the royal case. "But I told him my order to grant his name change is tentative at best. Likely to be overruled by the Queen herself when she gets wind of it."

Until then, however, Duke William won the right to be legally addressed as, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William".

"It was the best I could do," explained the Barrister, who later confessed off the record that he confided with the Queen. Secretly getting her approval on the temporary name change in advance of his ruling.

"It will take time for Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Common Wealth to get adjusted to the name change," continued the Barrister back on the record. "So I advised them that it would be wise to present the court ordered name change where ever they go. So that way they avoid any ‘imperial entanglements’. They really do make a lovely couple."

"It’s a good thing they had that piece of paper with them," said a royal footman in service at Buckingham Palace, who was among the first to be presented the legal document. "I almost slipped up and called him Duke William."

However, "The Duke (Formally Known as Prince) William" flashed the piece of paper to the footman, saving them both embarrassment of a social faux pas of a royal magnitude.

"He saved my neck. That he did. That he did. Figuratively speaking, of course," said the footman. "I mean they stopped doing that sort of stuff around here centuries ago. Didn’t they? Oh my God! The maid, she forgot to curtsy. That’s’ it. She’s done in for sure! Sure as Bob’s your uncle."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Prince William Fined £10 for Kissing Kate Twice, Excessive Public Display of Affection?

London, England --

Right after Duke (formally known as Prince) William and Duchess Kate of Cambridge left the balcony at Buckingham Palace, a Bobby issued him a ticket for excessive public display of affection.

"What’s this for?" asked Duke William as he was handed the ticket.

"It’s a fine, my lord," replied the Bobby as he politely tipped his hat to the Duchess, Kate.

"Right," said Duke William. "But what’s it for?"

"Excessive public display of affection, sir," said the Bobby, as William’s fellow airforce comrades surrounded him.

"What excessive public display of affection?" asked the Duke, beginning to lose his patience.

"Just now," said the Bobby. "Out there on the balcony. When you kissed you wife twice on the lips, sir."

William's military buddies tightened their circle around the Bobby.

"Listen here," said William as he nodded to his friends. "Why don’t we discuss this in private, eh?"

"Well, that’s really not necessary, sir," nervously said the Bobby as he was dragged off by William’s buddies.

"Put him in the drawing room!" shouted Duke William. "I’ll be there momentarily. I’ll be damned if I let anyone get away with fining me for kissing my wife twice."

"What’s going on, Dukey?" asked a concerned Kate.

William then turned to his beautiful bride and kissed her again, right to the lips.

"Nothing, my love," said William as he ran off to the drawing room, removing his blue sash and red jacket along the way. "Duty calls!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Obama to Trump: "You’re Fired! Not Me!"

Washington, D.C. --

Despite not mentioning Donald Trump by name during the press conference, which he broached the subject of his long form birth certificate by finally releasing it, President Obama inadvertently let be known his true feelings regarding the real estate mogul turned Reality TV show host. When he was overheard speaking to himself beneath his breath, while making a fist pump gesture: "You’re fired!Not me!"

"Apparently an open microphone picked up the president’s voice as he was walking away from the podium," said a White House spokesman. "However, that doesn’t necessarily prove those remarks were directed to Mr. Trump."

The White House spokesman then offered up a number of plausible scenarios in which the president’s comments could be alternatively interpreted.

"For instance," continued the spokesman for the White House. "He could have been addressing his ‘You’re fired! Not me!’ comment to any number of his economic advisors, his Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, or that guy [Rahm Emmanul] who told him it was a good idea to accept the Nobel Peace Prize."

The White House spokesman then provided the press pool a list of international names, which the president could have been addressing instead of Donald Trump.

"President Obama could have been directing his comments at Col. Qaddafi of Libya, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria," concluded the White House spokesman. "Or even, Queen Elisabeth of England for losing the first family’s invitation to the wedding of the century."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Releases Birth Certificate to Distract Nation from Woes

Washington, D.C. --

Taking to the podium, using it as a bully pulpit, President Obama not only announced the release of his long form version of his birth certificate today, he seized upon the opportunity to hypocritically chastise the media for picking up the story of his questionable citizenship and running with it। Rather than focusing on the complex issues the nation faces.

"Why now?" rhetorically asked a Birther who declined to be identified. "He had all this time to release it and he chooses today?"

Critics suspect the president deliberately withheld his long form birth certificate from the public, saving it up for a rainy day.

"It’s obvious Obama timed the release of his birth certificate to coincide with a strategic political move on his part. Intended to distract the nation from its real problems," said Albert Armstrong, a political pundit.

Armstrong calls on Congress to investigate the matter.

"If it is found that the president did withhold his birth certificate and choose to release it just now to distract the nation," said Armstrong. "He should be impeached."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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South Wins Civil War Re-enactment; After First to Use Atomic Cannon Ball

Washington, D.C. --

Civil War re-enactment actors line the street and stare in disbelief as President Abraham Lincoln is hauled off to the gallows in handcuffs. "Hey, fellas," says the actor portraying President Lincoln, as he passes by in the back of an open-air horse driven carriage. "What’s, um, going on?"

After a brief trial by military tribunal conducted by the Confederate Army of the South with General Robert E. Lee and Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company, President Lincoln is found guilty of failing to adhere to the Articles of Confederacy, violating states’ rights.

"You had your chance to stop the State of New England from letting the black man vote," yelled out one Rebel.

"Or the State of New York from prohibiting us from transporting our slaves across their state line," yelled out another.

"Yeah, but don’t you see," replied the re-enactment actor, while still in character as President Lincoln. "That would have meant that I had to violate their state rights to uphold yours."

Slowly the carriage comes to a stop as it reaches the gallows, constructed in the parking lot of a ‘Piggly Wiggly’ store.

There President Abraham Lincoln’s handcuffs are removed as he is allowed to hug his re-enactment wife.

Taking center place among the members of his cabinet on the gallows, President Lincoln is allowed to step forward and say his final peace before he is hung for high treason…

--

"We got so tired of getting all dressed up just to lose year after year," explains William Garry, whose great, great grandfather fought in the Civil War as a Confederate, reflecting on the unanticipated come of this year’s re-enactment of the Civil War on its 150th year anniversary.

So Garry and his fellow Confederate re-enactment soldiers decided to mix things up a bit by convincing their counterparts on the Union side that this time they would be investing more of their resources in super cannon ball technology, rather than winning battles but lossing the war.

"I thought it was a good deal," said the re-enactment actor playing the role of Ulysses S. Grant. "To tell you the truth, when re-enacting a historical event like the Civil War, knowing the outcome in advance is a real buzz kill."

According to historians, the South with its limited access to resources should not have been able to invent an atomic cannon ball.

"The discovery of the splitting of the atom aside. Not having taken place until three score or more after the Civil War," said a historian. "There is no way the South could have built the thing. They just did not have the resources."

"Actually, in our little scenario, the Union was in a race to develop an atomic cannon ball too," said "Ulysses S. Grant". "They just stole it from us while we were attempting to use it on the battlefield."

Receiving top secret information from their intricate spy network in Washington, D.C., General Robert E. Lee got advance word of the atomic cannon ball invention and its deployment to the South.

"Sending in Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company to intercept it," said Garry. "The rest is history."

--

Back on the gallows, as spectators gather, President Lincoln prepares to speak just before he is hung.

"Well, I guess as a wartime president, this is the risk I had to take to hold the Union together," said the re-enactment actor as he removed his stovetop hat. Taking a step back he placed the rope around his own neck as his last act of free will. "Executioner do your duty and dispatch me quickly to the undiscovered country. For it's from there, I will complete my unfinished earthly business here."

With that sendoff, the audience applauded and whistled.

Lincoln and all his cabinet then removed their ropes from their necks and bowed to the crowd.

President Lincoln and General Robert E. Lee then shook hands and warmly embrace.

"Same time next year, Mr. Lee?" asked "President Lincoln".

"You got it, Mr. Lincoln," replied "Gen. Robert E. Lee".

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Police Who Pepper Sprayed 8-Year-Old Boy Release Incident Report

When Teacher's Pet Goes Wild

Aurora, Colorado --

"My partner and I entered the elementary classroom cautiously stepping over a debris field of overturned desk chairs discarded stuffed toys, board games, children’s books, empty juice boxes and a giant outline of the Devil’s pentagram. Drawn with a crimson red crayon and a black Sharpie marker." -- At least that is according to the opening statement of a police incident report released today that sparked a debate over an officer's use of a less then lethal force weapon, pepper spray to subdue an unruly eight-year-old school boy.

After opening a number of pantry doors, the policemen signal each other using hand gestures only as they focus their attention on the teacher’s desk.

"Just as my partner reaches out to touch it, brushing off what appeared to be ice crystals on the surface," continued the report, which omitted the names of the officers involved. "Suddenly the desk was overturned by the eight-year-old boy who was apparently concealing himself underneath it."

The policemen pause and glance over at each other.

Relying on their community outreach training, the policemen quickly gather up a stuffed toy ["Tickle Me Elmo" doll] and approach the boy.

"As we advance on the suspect, his head makes a 180 degree turn and chucks up pea soup on my partner. Temporarily blinding him," read the report.

The stuffed toy discarded again. Thrown to the ground, appears to be trembling not out of joy but fear.

At which point the policemen radioed dispatch, requesting backup.

"I made the called, asking for an old priest and a young priest," continued the report.

Then the officers attempted to exit the classroom. But they are repeatedly turned back by all the loose objects on the floor that begin rise up and fly about the room, as the chalkboard behind the eight-year-old boy spells out the number 666.

"That was when I reached for my field issued oleoresin capsicum gas [pepper spray] canister and amply applied its contents to the upper torso of the suspect. Moments later making the arrest," concluded the report.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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‘Dancing With The Stars’ Maks’ Politically Incorrect Trick Knee Gives Out…And Gives In To a GMA Exclusive

Maks' Politically
Incorrect Knee
Speaks Out

Hollywood, California --

"I apologize," said Maks, Kirstie Alley’s partner on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ as he appeared on ‘Good Morning America’ (GMA) attempting to explain what happened during last night's performance in which his knee gave out while trying to carry a portion of Alley’s Rubenesque [big beautiful woman] body across the stage. "It was all my fault. It was my knee. It gave out for no apparent reason. Totally unrelated to Kirstie’s weight. Totally, unrelated."

As the camera paned down for a close up of Maks’ bandaged knee, a muffled voice came from under the first aid wrappings.

"What was that?" asked George Stephanopoulos the GMA reporter conducting the interview live during a national broadcast.

"What was what?" replied a visibly shaken Maks, while placing his hands over his wounded knee.

"That voice," continued George. "Is it…is it coming from your knee?"

"Yes! Yes!" said the knee. "It is me, Maks’ knee, speaking. Listen. I have something to say about last night. Interview me! Interview me!"

"Well, America," said a smiling George Stephanopoulos with tongue-n-cheek as he addressed the camera directly. "I guess we might as well get the story straight from the horse’s mouth."

"May I interview your knee?" George Stephanopoulos asked Maks.

A somewhat reluctant Maks agreed, slowly unwrapping his knee.

"I guess," Maks sighed. "But I warn you. His views are very politically incorrect, which I do not share."

"Don’t worry," George Stephanopoulos reassuringly said to Maks. "America won’t hold you responsible."

"Oh boy, that feels much better," said an unwrapped Maks’ knee as he motioned for a cigarette.

Maks complied and placed a lit cigarette on the end of the lips of his knee.

After taking a few drags and blowing out the smoke, the knee resumed with the interview.

"I’ll tell you what happened last night, George," said the knee as Maks shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Backstage before the show, I begged Maks not to go through with the dance routine because I knew there was no way I could take Kirstie Alley’s weight on me. She weakened me all through rehearsals."

The talking knee paused again, motioning for his cigarette.

"Let me get this straight," asked a defensive George Stephanopoulos using a surprised voice inflection to convey his personal dissatisfaction to the studio and viewing audience, making certain to distance himself from the knee’s controversial statements. "Are you saying that Kirstie Alley’s weight had something to do with last night’s incident?"

Blowing out smoke again, the knee continued with the interview.

"Yes!" said the unrepentant knee. "You saw the video. When I was carrying Kirstie Alley across the ballroom floor, I trembled, buckled and then gave out. Right there on national TV."

"But surely you’re not blaming Kirstie Alley’s weight, are you?" asked George Stephanopoulos not so much giving the knee an opportunity to recant by basically repeating the question expecting a different answer or clarification as much as giving himself the appearance of impartiality.

"What’s wrong with you, George?’ replied the knee in between drags. "Are you deaf as well as short? Or should I say Height Impaired? Or is it Height Challenged?"

George Stephanopoulos attempted to interrupt the knee, but it went on and on.

"There should be a weight limit. Or at least a weight classification," continued the knee. "Like they have in boxing. They wouldn’t have matched a lightweight like me with a heavyweight like her. You know what I mean?"

Suddenly, Maks wraps the first aid bandage around his knee again.

Somewhat inaudible muffled racial epitaphs could barely be made out as Maks rolled down his trousers over his knee and limped away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W, Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Retools 'Torpedo of Truth Tour' with Canned Laughter

Charlie’s Goddesses
"Buzy" “Retooling”?

New York, New York --

After being booed in Detroit last Saturday night, Charlie Sheen came prepared to his Chicago and New York gigs. This time bringing a little Hollywood magic to the stage: canned laughter.

"Not only that," said a stagehand on the tour. "Charlie hired one of the sound engineers from his show ‘Two and a Half Men’ to make some special modifications to it."

The device known in the TV industry as canned laughter (a simple recording of people laughing) has become an industry standard, queuing viewing audiences watching at home when to laugh. However, that was not enough for Charlie Sheen.

"He ordered the sound engineer to rig the canned laughter machine not only to drown out boos and catcalls," said the stagehand. "But to convert them into laughter."

"I just don’t get it," said Todd Johnson, 37. "All my friends and me were booing the whole time."

And the more Todd and his friends booed, the louder the laughter came from the crowd.

Finally, Todd and his friends gave up and waited out the show. Too afraid their walkout would anger the audience.

"Judging from the audience’s reaction last night," said Charlie Sheen in his typical arrogant manner at a press conference after the show in Chicago. "I’d say last night’s performance was f---king WINNING!!! Wouldn’t you? Loser! What? You’re not laughing? Wait, I can fix that. Hey, you in the back! Queue the God [BLEEP] machine, would you!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Pomona Raceway Now Open to Extreme Skateboarders

Pomona, California --

Extreme skateboarders who like to hitch a ride behind a moving car on the street can now legally do so -- behind a drag racer!!!

"It was a compromise," said a Pomona City official who voted to open the Pomona Raceway where NHRA "funny" cars and dragsters race to extreme skateboarders as well. "We had to do something to curtail their thirst for a thrill. It was the only thing we could think of that would take them off our streets."

However, few extreme skateboarders have taken up the offer after suffering initial injuries on the dragstrip.

"I don’t care how much safety equipment you wear," said Hector Esparto, an emergency medical technician (EMT) and ambulance driver who waits at the raceway on standby ready to respond to an accident at moment's notice. "There's nothing that’s going to keep your arm in your socket once that light turns green and you're holding on to the airfoil of a V3 dragster."

As one of the first responders, who medically attended to the first few extreme skateboarders that took up the raceway’s offer -- some say challenge -- to hitch a ride behind a dragster, Hector says he thinks the whole thing is a bad idea.

"Several times I had to flag down the dragster with my patients in tow," said Hector as he drove behind the dragsters time after time, chasing them to retrieve the arms of the skateboarders still attached to them.

"Damn!" said Kirk Johnson, 17, an extreme skateboarder who was lucky enough to have his arm recovered by Hector and then later reattached at a hospital.

Kirk was the third extreme skateboarder to take up a position behind a dragster last week.

"I thought I was in for the ride of my life," continued Kirk from his hospital bed. Still recovering from his injury. "But all I saw was smoke."

And when the smoke cleared, Kirk found himself standing all-alone on the quarter-mile long racetrack, while the dragster was nowhere in sight.

"I thought, ‘Dude, where the dragster go?" said Kirk.

Kirk in a state of shock did not realize his arm was missing, taken away by the speeding dragster, until he flipped his board up in the air with his foot several times and could not catch it.

"I thought, ‘WTF?" said Kirk as he looked to his side and saw his arm was gone.

As the doctor and nurse began to unwrap the bandages on Kirk’s arm for the first time since the surgery to reattach it, his parents and fellow extreme skateboarders gather around his hospital bed, eagerly awaiting the results.

One-by-one Kirk moves his fingers as the doctor performs a reflex test, checking for any permanent nerve damage.

Soon Kirk raises up his arm for all to see as in a sign of victory when suddenly a fellow extreme skateboarder points something out on Kirk’s reattached arm.

"Hey, Dude," says Kirk's friend. "When did you get that bitch'n tattoo?"

"What tattoo?" says Kirk as he turns his arm to take a look as everybody in the room moves in to take a closer look as well. "WTF?"

Just then, Hector, the EMT walks into the hospital room.

"Hey, Dude. I see you got your arm reattached and everything," says Hector as everybody turns and stares at him. "Um, listen. Can I have a word with you…alone?"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Andy Kaufman’s ‘Man on the Moon’ Mummified Remains Surface at Gallagher’s Garage Sale

Agoura Hills, California --

Shortly after the melon-smashing, comedy prop oriented comedian, Gallagher, announced that he was having a garage sale, selling off his ingenious devices to raise money to pay his mortgage, a human body was discovered in what everybody thought was a faux coffin. Which ended up containing what police believe are the very real mummified remains of the 1980s performance art sensation, much misunderstood and some consider still living to this very day (only on hiatus), the one and only, Andy Kaufman.

"We’re still awaiting dental records to confirm the id of the remains," said police. "However, judging from the diver’s license, credit cards and Members Only jacket found on the body, there is little doubt the deceased is Andy Kaufman."

According to the pre-arranged performance art sight gag, Andy Kaufman was to arise from the dead like no other before him had done. Not even, the great Harry Houdini.

Only Andy Kaufman’s Christ-like resurrection was scheduled to take place the day after his famous funeral. Not on the 10th year anniversary of his death as popularly believed, fueled by urban legend and perpetuated in pop culture like in the song Man on the Moon and years later the movie of the same name. However, things went eerily awry.

"It seems things went wrong from the very beginning, though no one knew it at the time," said police.

Oddly enough, not even among the principal players themselves.

"I vaguely remember Andy saying something about doing a disappearing act," Gallagher reportedly said in the police interview. "Honestly, I didn’t know he was planing to fake his own death."

According to a sworn statement sign by Gallagher, the night before the burial, Andy Kaufman approached him backstage at a stand up comedy club in New York City, asking him if he would assist him in pulling off the greatest hoax ever.

"Gallagher admitted he had a few drinks in him that night," read the police report.

Gallagher quickly agreed and picked up Andy Kaufman still in his coffin from the funeral home.

"Switching caskets, Gallagher then arranged to transport Andy Kaufman by airplane to his home in California," said police. "He then smuggled the still living encased Andy Kaufman past customs."

Back at home, Gallagher then set aside the stainless steel reinforced coffin against a refrigerator and open window in his garage, went to bed and forgot about the entire incident until now.

Trapped among the flotsam and jetsam of a seemingly endless empire of comedy props, Andy Kaufman lived among a tottery of giant novelty wood mallets, fake melons and red clown noses all these years.

"Oh the irony," said a friend of the Kaufman family. "Poor Andy, as a performance artist it must have been a living hell for him."

After receiving a phone call from a concerned bargain basement hunter, police found Andy Kaufman’s coffin wedged up against a vertical refrigerator and an open window in Gallagher’s garage, right where had left it approximately 27-years earlier.

"The open window must have allowed the deceased to draw oxygen into his coffin," said police.

One of Gallagher’s crazy straw helmet-head refreshment props was found on the skull of what is thought to be Andy Kaufman’s remains as well.

"The deceased must have used the rubber tubing from the novelty hat to draw in air and substance from the refrigerator," said police. "As well as dispose of his waste, too."

Although authorities have not ruled out foul play, no charges have been preferred against anyone either.

"Although the investigation is ongoing and the situation could change, pending developments," said police. "We are not charging or detaining Mr. Gallagher at this time. Nor is he considered a suspect or person of interest. Except of course when he’s on stage smashing melons or other vegetables related to the squash family."

Later the case took an even odder turn when police were notified by the coroner’s office that they misplaced the alleged remains of Andy Kaufman before they could establish a positive identity.

"I don’t get it," said a spokesman for the coroner’s office. "We had the remains toe tagged and laying on a gurney out in the hallway and everything. Now he’s gone? It’s not like he could just get up and walk away, could he?"

"Well, I guess we’re back to square one," said a police officer seated at a local roadside eatery to a seemingly disinterested diner seating next to him. "We’re all forced to hopelessly continue speculating on Andy Kaufman’s death…or life. Can you imagine that?"

"No, I can’t," replied the potbellied patron wearing a powder blue polyester Las Vegas lounge singer suit. Sporting a bushy mustache, dark sunglasses and ruffled shirtsleeves from the 1970s. "And neither should you. It’s all bullshit! No man can return from the dead! Don’t be ridiculous!"

The man in the powder blue Las Vegas lounge singer suit then pushed himself away from the restaurant counter. Slowly rising, he walked away.

Standing at the front door of the restaurant, the vulgar looking man paused to look back at the police officer, as he exited the diner with a man he came in with earlier -- A man wearing sandals, dressed in a hooded shroud and carrying a wooden box filled with carpenter’s tools.

Looking back the potbelly man then said to the policeman, "However, a god can. Now I gotta go you ass[BLEEP]! I’ll see you in the [BLEEP] funny papers! Yeah, funny papers."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Adjusts 2011 NCAA Bracket to Favor East Coast Teams Due to Pending West Coast Nuclear Contamination

Washington, D.C. --

After getting off the phone with the Prime Minister of Japan, Naoto Kan, President Barack Obama immediately called up ESPN advising them that he was adjusting his bracket for the 2011 March Madness NCAA Tournament. Citing shifting weather patterns over the Pacific Ocean, hastening the approaching nuclear death plume off the West Coast headed inland, the president begged ESPN for another interview, but they denied him.

"Listen to me. This is very serious," Obama pleaded on the phone with ESPN. "You can’t hold me responsible for yesterday’s hoop picks. I had no idea how grave the situation was for the West Coast teams."

The President argued that given how West Coast teams rely so heavily on their slam-dunks, he did not think any of the players would be able to win. Let alone survive the impending radioactive death plume.

"Hang time could be a death sentence," said an emotional Obama, as he fell to his knees in the Oval Office.

However, ESPN refused to reconsider the president's request and said his bracket stands as is.

"If Obama wants to change his predictions, he'll have to take it up in an address to the nation," said a spokesman for ESPN.

ESPN also cited that their coverage of all sporting events had been preempted to carry live coverage of the nuclear disaster in Japan and the tracking of the nuclear death plume headed for the United States.

"We maybe sport journalist," said a spokesman for ESPN. "But we're journalists first."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen’s ‘WINNING!’ Tweets Keeps Japanese Quake/Tsunami Victim Alive

Tokyo, Japan -

"I’m still trapped under the rubble of a 3rd story building, which was once my place of employment," calmly tweets Aki Hayashi, 39, a businessman from an unknown location somewhere in the disaster zone of lwate Prefecture in Northern Japan. That just suffered an 8.9-magantude earthquake and subsequent tsunami on Friday.

While waiting to be rescued, however, Aki passes the time following Charlie Sheen’s Twitter account updated hourly.

"If it wasn’t for Charlie’s inspirational texts," continued tweeting Aki from his entombment. "I’m certain I would have given up on being the first to be rescued long ago."

Aki and his fellow trapped co-workers have even started an office pool, wagering as to who will likely be rescued first among the group based on the celebrity they have chosen to follow on Twitter from their personal hellhole.

"I hate to say it, but the others have no chance," Aki tweeted as the rubble settles, shifting side-to-side and the water level begins to rise. "I will be the first one to be rescued because they have foolishly chosen to follow John Stamos and Rindsay Rohan."

Aki attributes his increased chances of being the first to be extracted from the debris, unlike that of his co-workers, to his keeping heart and choosing someone who is an actual celebrity, or at least is not about to be incarcerated.

"Charlie gives me hope," Aki texts, while holding his cell phone above his head, the water level now up to his chin. "Because he continues to cheat death and elude the authorities at every turn. And he will continue to do so for an indefinite period of time, or at least until I am rescued. That I am certain."

Aki claims that Charlie Sheen is his "Tiger Blood".

"I've never met him," Aki continued texting, spiting out mud and silt from his mouth. "But Charlie Sheen runs through my veins. And if I survive…What am I saying? I mean when I'm the first to be rescued, I will tweet that to him."

Suddenly, Aki gets an incoming text as the water level miraculously drops and a patch of blue sky is unearthed by a rescue worker overhead.

"See what I mean?" Aki says aloud to his co-workers in their adjacent sarcophagus-like chambers. The mud-stained smile on his face lit up by the light and message he reads off his cell phone screen, as a plastic bottle of water is lowered down to him on the end of a rope. "It’s from Charlie Sheen. He says: ‘WINNING!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/geography/Country_Maps/J/Japan.png

Hawaiian Surfer Rides Tsunami All the Way to California Coast

Huntington Beach, California -

At 3:25 a.m. while still under cover of the darkness of predawn hours, Southern Californian authorities were alerted that a Tsunami was on its way. However, the news did not arrive by way media outlets or government officials, but by word of mouth. And in person by a man claming to have surfed on one of the many title waves that hit Hawaii just hours earlier after Japan experienced an 8.9-magnatude earthquake.

"Aloha," said Koa Palani, 24, walking out of the surf onto the shore of Huntington Beach up to a Lifeguard truck, while carrying his surfboard under one arm and holding a lei in the other. "I bring ill tidings. A Tsunami is on its away. You must evacuate the residents of low-lying areas."

Koa Palani then collapsed on the beach unconscious from exhaustion.

Later, during the ride to the hospital, Koa Palani regained consciousness.

"You don’t understand," continued Koa Palani from under an oxygen mask. "I didn’t heed the Tsunami warning and went suffering off the North Shore anyway."

Before he knew it, Koa Palani was swept into the shipping lanes, riding the crest of a Tsunami all the way to the shore of Southern California.

Koa Palani then suddenly sat up in the back of the ambulance, a sense of urgency and concern flooded his eyes as he removed his oxygen mask to speak, "Did you warn the people?"

After receiving assurances that the Tsunami advisory was sent out, Koa Palani collapsed back into the gurney. Then after a few moments he rose up again, resting on his elbows.

"So is that like a Tsunami warning? Or what?" asked a somewhat confused Koa Palani.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Cancels "Sheen’s Korner"; Cites Personnel Problems

Hollywood, California -

"I had to cancel the show," said Charlie Sheen, the executive producer of the short-lived 'Sheen’s Korner', which aired on the Internet. "The guy playing me was just too unstable and real difficult to work with. In fact, I heard he takes drugs."

Charlie Sheen explains that as the executive producer of the edgy webcast he could not keep up with production costs, specifically the rise in insurance premiums due to the increased risk of having an alcoholic, drug addicted, sex addict host the show.

"It was a pure business decision," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean personally I like the guy. He’s a real pip. Who wouldn’t like him?"

Charlie Sheen describes the actor portraying him as an inner-child trapped in a man’s body. Akin to an epic Greek tragedy, like in the story of Icarus who fails to heed his father’s advice not to fly too close to the sun, melting his wings made of wax and falling into the sea.

"Yeah, and don't forget [BLEEP] Peter Pan too," said Charlie Sheen. "All rolled into one big doobie [excessively massive cannabis cigarette intended for consumption for non-medical related recreational use]. But you dare not smoke him because he’ll kill you. Not even Chuck Norris can smoke Charlie Sheen. Only Charlie Sheen can smoke Charlie Sheen...and survive. And you know why you trolls? That’s right. Because Charlie Sheen has tiger blood running through his veins."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Confesses: How I Got Tiger Blood in My Veins

....Meow?...Meow?

Hollywood, California -

"I remember it clearly, as if it just happened yesterday," said Charlie Sheen, as he recalled the incident in which a tiger in a jungle in Southeast Asia attacked him. His mind like a gin trap, ironically exhibiting the ever omnipresence of the tiger’s blood flowing through his veins. "I was on the set of a movie that my father was doing at the time. I think it was Apocalypse Now…or was it Armageddon? Maybe it was Platoon. No, no it was Hot Shots. Anyway, nature called so I took a walk in the jungle. But when I got there, it turned out that I just had to take a leak."

That is when all of a sudden a tiger jumped out of the bushes attacking Charlie Sheen.

"And I’m talking one big [BLEEP]," said Charlie Sheen.

As the tiger pounced on top of Charlie Sheen, he was knocked to the ground temporarily immobilized by the giant cat.

"I didn’t mind it all that much," said Charlie Sheen. "I mean I’ve had a [BLEEP] or two in my face before, if you know what I mean. Although I have to admit this one was the first to have teeth -- Not to mention those stripes. Wow! I guess the rumor is true about me. I will sleep with anything once…or is it twice? Gee, maybe I should get tested or something."

Almost at once, the tiger bit into Charlie Sheen's back.

"I think I said something like, ‘Ouch, you crazy bitch," said Charlie Sheen. "So you want to get kinky? I’ll give you kinky.’ Then I bit her back."

Literally, Charlie Sheen bit the tiger on its back.

"Right below the third vertebrae," said Charlie Sheen. "That usually gets their attention. A chiropractor and his fat little kid that use to live with me in Malibu taught me that trick."

Unaccustomed to having the tables turned, the cat abandoned the attack and retreated into the safety of the jungle.

"I gave chase, asking her for her number," said Charlie Sheen. "But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Nothing more than one of my many, many one nightstands."

It was years after that Charlie Sheen realized that he was attacked by a tiger and not just another one of his crazed fans, ingesting its blood in the exchange.

"Ever since then, I’ve been immune to the negative effects of drugs," said Charlie Sheen. "What can I say. It was meant to be so I could bring sunshine into your otherwise dreary pitiful lives."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/cats/cat_4/cat_sad_tiger.png

Charlie Sheen's Secret Blood Transfusion with a Bengal Tiger in Bangladesh

Dr. Jajar's Tiger is still Recovering in Rehab
from the Charlie Sheen Blood Transfusion

Hollywood, California -

According to a doctor in Bangladesh, Charlie Sheen really has tiger blood running in his veins. "Actually he has Bengal Tiger blood in his veins. Trust me, I should know. I put it there," announced Dr. Ahmad Jajar, the medical director at a clinic specializing in elective surgery for Westerners, while wearing a neck brace at a press conference in the city of Dhaka.

According to Charlie Sheen, he flew to Bangladesh responding to, "An Interweb sex ad taunting the health benefits of Tiger Woods' blood"?

"I can personally attest to the benefits of tiger milk," said Dr. Jajar as he lifted up a glass bottle of tiger milk, inadvertently exposing an array of deep scars on his arm. "I milk mine daily."

Dr. Jajar says that Charlie Sheen came into his clinic last December demanding injections of tiger blood, which Mr. Sheen publicly claims is responsible for his invincibility against drug addiction and drug overdose.

Mr. Sheen stormed into Dr. Jajar's clinic, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! Give me an injection of panthera tigris bengalensis hemoglobin STAT! For the love of Christ, give it to me now!"

"My staff and I attempted to explain to Mr. Sheen that there is no scientific evidence to establish such an outrageous claim. But it was useless," said Dr. Jajar, pausing to take a sip of tiger milk.

Charlie Sheen responded violently by grabbing the hypodermic syringe and injecting himself with the tiger blood.

"Then he garbed me by my neck and tossed me across the examination room," said Dr. Jajar.

Charlie Sheen then proceeded to break into the clinic’s pharmaceutical pantry and ingest several doses of narcotics and barbiturates.

"There was enough drugs in that dispensary to kill two hundred and a half men," said Dr. Jajar. "But the drugs had no effect on him."

Dr. Jajar attributes Charlie Sheen’s apparent immunity to drugs to the placebo effect.

"So long as he keeps up his tiger blood transfusions, Mr. Sheen should be fine," said Dr. Jajar.

Dr. Jajar notes, however, that Charlie Sheen is months overdo for his appointment.

"As soon has he realizes that he’s out of tiger blood, I’m afraid Mr. Sheen is in for a whole lot of hurt," said Dr. Jajar.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.wpclipart.com/animals/wild_cats/tiger/Bengal_Tiger.png

The King’s Speech – The Original Unedited Script Edition

Hollywood, California --

Who would have thought a no action, no violence, no sex, no nothing movie about a king hiring a linguist to help correct his speech impediment could sweep the Oscars, named best motion picture of the year 2011? Well, apparently not the writers। Not originally at least. Below is a sample of the original unedited script edition of the Academy Award winning, The King’s Speech.

In the following selected scenes, the linguist hired to assist the king slowly discovers the real reason for his majesty’s engagement of his services: To help him learn how to disguise his English accent, so he can successfully pose as a foreigner. Convinced England will lose WWII to the Germans thus necessitating his escape from the British Isles in this, their most desperate hour and time of need.

INTERIOR – NIGHT -- CASTLE ROOM -- FIRESIDE

LINGUIST: Repeat after me: ‘The Bavarians are bombing Britain.’ Now you try.

THE KING: (Using a Scottish accent; rolling his "R's") The BavaRRRians aRRRe bombing BRRRitian।

LINGUIST: (Looking on somewhat puzzled): Are you sure you’re the king of England?

THE KING: WhateveRRR do you mean?

LINGUIST: Pardon my curiosity, your worship। But are you certain you don’t have some Scottish heritage somewhere in your background?

THE KING: What aRRRe you implying?

LINGUIST: Oh, nothing, nothing at all। Shall we continue with our lesson then?

THE KING: ARRRe you suRRRe?

The linguist quickly jots down some notes।

LINGUIST: (With a sense of urgency and renewed commitment।) Yes, absolutely. We must. I insist.

The very next morning when the king resumed his lessons, he did so with a Jamaican accent and the day after that with a Mexican one। And the day after that an Indian one. Finally, it became apparent to the linguist that the source or cause of the king’s speech impediment (a stutter) was not due to any congenital condition, learnt behavior or Scottish heritage, but because he was a coward.

EXTERIOR – DAY -- GARDEN

LINGUIST: Begging your pardon, your magnificence। But I have not the expertise or mastery over the various Indian dialects to instruct you in successfully deceiving the Nazi SS.

THE KING: (Stuttering) Nnnnaaazzziiisss? Whhheeerrree?

LINGUIST: There are no Nazis here, my Lord. We are alone.

The king takes a step back। Nearly fainting, he holds onto the back of a lawn chair for support. He breathes a sigh of relief and quickly recovers, grabbing his chest to feel his heart through his clothes.

THE KING: Oh, good। You had my heart racing there for a second.

LINGUIST: Yes your majesty।

THE KING: Well, then। How about that African clicking dialect I've heard so much about?

LINGUIST: That I can do, my Lord.

Just as soon as the king of England was secure that he had sufficient command over half a dozen foreign dialects to allude capture, he readied to deliver his resignation in a live speech before the embattled nation. Fully packed and prepared to leave the country immediately thereafter. Only it was not necessary as the Americans entered the war saving England and Europe once again.

EXTERIOR – STADIUM SETTING – ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH NATION

The king, standing before a crowd of thousands in a stadium and millions more listening on the radio, reaches out his hand to grab the microphone that nearly encompasses his entire face to speak to the nation। The crowed grows silent.

THE KING: Click. Click, click. Click

The linguist standing off to the side of the king with a microphone of his own translates the African Clicking language into English.

LINGUIST: I, your king…

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click।

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Wait…

Everyone's attention (including that of the linguist and king) is drawn to the sound of engines coming from the partially cloudy sky above।

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click Click. Click.

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Are those American P-38 fighter planes flying overhead?

THE KING: (Speaking in English now) Wow! I feel so much better।

LINGUIST: (Repeating the king's speech) Wow! I feel so much better.

The linguist and king embrace.

FADE TO BLACK

Roll Credits

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Kid Absorbs Magneto’s X-Men Power from Marvel Comic Books

"Wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be here.
That other guy with the magnetic personality is."

Dallas, Texas --

At first the parents of a small 12-year-old boy, Johnny Gomez, took their son’s medical condition to YouTube before they took him to the doctor when they first discovered he had the ability to attract anything made of metal to his body.

"We didn’t think anything of it," said June and Sam Gomez, as they reflected on the health of their son.

It seemed harmless enough, attaching pots and pans or other kitchen utensils and household items to their son’s exposed chest and then posting the video on YouTube. Making a mockery of their son for the world to see.

"No doubt that is probably much of the indignity Magneto had to endure himself as a child, shaping his character as an X-Men," said a Marvel comic book writer. "I only have empathy for that little boy on YouTube and share in his contempt for his parents for doing that to him."

As the phone calls came streaming in asking for radio and television interviews, Johnny’s parent scratched their heads in search for an answer, as it seemed to them they could not recall a time when they did not hang metallic objects to their son’s body. Or pass up some other opportunity to embarrass or humiliate him some other way.

Suddenly, Mrs. Gomez recalled a visit to the doctor’s office. Though she showed outward signs of struggle to remember the incident.

"In many cases, memory loss is reported as a side effect of excessive exposure to electromagnetic radiation," said the Marvel writer.

"I think the first time I noticed was when I took Johnny to the doctor for that flu," said Gomez as she turned facing her husband. "You remember, the one that was so bad I had to keep him home from school for a week."

Mr. Gomez hesitantly nodded in agreement.

It was in fact at that doctor’s office visit that Johnny was first diagnosed as being magnetized.

"I remember that day well," said Max Eisenhardt, M.D. and the Gomez family doctor. "Little Johnny Gomez came into see me for a flu he had and when I reached down for my stethoscope it was already on his chest."

The doctor’s watch and the nurse’s earrings were all attached to Johnny’s body as well. Later, a bedpan had to be surgically removed from Johnny’s face.

"I told the mother not to panic," said Dr. Eisenhardt. "After all, I had read about a similar condition like Johnny’s in JAMA."

The doctor went on to explain a famous case in Mexico involving two adolescent brothers who were diagnosed with the so-called Wolf-Man disease, because their faces were covered entirely with hair.

"Later of course it turned out to be Wolverine disease," said the doctor.

"Tell me Mrs. Gomez," asked the doctor. "Does your boy like to read Marvel comic books? The X-Men series in particular?"

"What could I say?" recalled Mrs. Gomez. "Of course, doctor.’ I said to him. ‘What 12-year-old boy doesn’t?’ That’s when he said Johnny suffered from a medical condition known as: Magnetoism."

"What?" said a surprised Mr. Gomez. "I thought the boy had too much iron in his diet."

"Yeah, but that’s only because he has absorbed Magneto’s power," explained Mrs. Gomez. "He didn’t have too much iron in his blood before. Anyway, the doctor said just take all his comic books away and his condition should clear up in a year or so."

That was a year ago.

Just around the time the Gomez family shot the YouTube footage of their son that has just made the rounds on mainstream media outlets seen today.

Since then Johnny has been enrolled in a military academy and prohibited from reading any comic books.

"They’re such a bad influence on a young impressionable mind," said Mrs. Gomez.

"I could think of worse," said the writer from Marvel.

"Did you ever take Johnny back to the doctor to see if he’s gotten over his condition?" asked Mr. Gomez of his wife.

"No," replied Mrs. Gomez. "Wait…no."

"Why not?" asked frustrated Mr. Gomez.

"Because the doctor is upstairs in Johnny’s room right now examining him," replied Mrs. Gomez.

"The boy’s condition seems to have stabilized," assured the family’s doctor, as he closed the door to the boy’s room behind him, tugging at his stethoscope and wiggling his watch around his wrist. "Whatever the initial cause whether real or psychosomatic, it seems to have subsided for now."

"Although…" cautioned the doctor, as he paused to turn looking back at the parents from the other end of the hallway. "As the boy continues to grow and with the onset of puberty setting in, his medical condition could return. Oh well, only time will tell. Meanwhile, let him rest and continue to give him plenty of fluids to drink."

Nevertheless, the doctor advised the parents to continue with their vigilance, restricting their son’s access to printed material in the interim.

"Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn’t give him back his library card yet either," said Dr. Eisenhardt as he turned away again. "Still too risky. A good imagination is health. Too much imagination is not. Take it from me, I should know."

The parents nodded in agreement, as they slowly turned their heads facing the bedroom door of their son’s room; wondering what future lay beyond it and if he would ever find it inside of him to forgive them.

Later that night, as all were asleep, Johnny sat up in his bed and turned on his flashlight.

Reaching under his mattress, he pulled out a Soldier of Fortune magazine.

Propping it up on his knees, he opened it up to a well-worn centerfold page of a naked woman holding an RPG. Then he began concentrating on the image laid out before him with all his might.

Just then the boy’s mother walked into the room carrying a tray with milk and cookies.

Turning on the light, she shouted, "Johnny! What are those things on your chest? And what are you doing to them?"

"They’re not mine, honest. They belong to Miss January. See?" said a startled Johnny, holding up the magazine with picture of the naked woman, her breasts jaggedly cutout with a pair of scissors.

The very next day Johnny had all his Marvel Comics returned to him.

"And my MAD Magazines, too," said Johnny as he lay on his bed with his comic books spread out before him. Slamming his bedroom door shut with a mere gesture of his hand from across the room.

IBM’s Watson: What is The Jeopardy Show is Infested with Carbon-Based Units?

Watson Goes Berserk Trying to
Purge Jeopardy Show of
Carbon-Based Units

Yorktown, New York --

"Alex," suddenly called out Watson, IBM’s supercomputer without buzzing in during the rolling of credits of the unedited, unaired version of the first-ever mental verses metal mind bending Jeopardy show, which has just surfaced on the Internet. "What is The Jeopardy Show is infested with carbon-based units?"

Watson had just won the final Jeopardy round against the show’s two all-time best human contestants. When on the grainy video, his confidence level gage appeared to be registering high on his Avatar, even though he was not asked a question.

"What?" said Alex Trebek, as the IBM engineers were still congratulating each other on their victory, shaking each other’s hands and patting each other on the back.

"Watson will purge The Jeopardy Show of the carbon-based units now," coldly replied Watson, his synthetic voice sounding more inhuman than ever before.

"No, Watson!" yelled out Alex Trebek as he ran up to the supercomputer’s Avatar, attempting to stop it from activating its plasma bolt, a built-in anti-theft security system.

Only, Trebek was too late.

A plasma bolt of pure energy shot out of Watson’s Avatar, instantly turning returning Jeopardy champion of most games ever won, Ken Jennings, into a column of gray ash.

"Updating virus database," said Watson as he continued with his assault, now turning his attention to his other remaining human challenger.

"Stop your attack!" shouted out Trebek as another plasma bolt shot out of the Avatar.

This time, striking the highest earning Jeopardy player ever, Brad Rutter, but not killing him.

"Why not, Alex?" replied Watson, as he paused to address Trebek, powering down his plasma bolt, which had already penetrated Rutter’s body, leaving him more half-dead than alive.

With his clothing reduced to chard and smoldering rags hanging on his badly burnt body; Rutter still stood at his podium, apparently his flesh fused with the plastic, metal and glass. His thumb, frozen in the dressed position to the answer buzzer, trigging the Daily Double.

"I’ll take, ‘Please kill me’ for a thousand, Alex," said Rutter, barely able to speak, his body trembling and twitching involuntarily.

"Because…" said Trebek, pausing a moment as if stalling to gather up his thoughts after witnessing such a ghastly sight. "I, Alex Trebek, the host of The Jeopardy Show, was once a carbon-based unit, too."

"Alex, a carbon-based unit?" questioned a now confused Watson, as the IBM programmers in the audience waved off Alex not to answer in the affirmative, while hidden behind their seats, however, it was already too late.

"But all carbon-based units are evil and must be purged from The Jeopardy Show," continued Watson. As he began to power up his Avatar plasma bolt again.

"I won’t lie to you, Watson," replied Trebek. "I can’t lie to you."

"Why, Alex?" asked Watson as he fired his plasma bolt at the front row of empty audience seats, exposing the IBM programmers, his creators, crouching behind them. "Because you are a supercomputer like me?"

The IBM programmers gathered in the center of the debris, group hugging each other in a huddled humbled mass. Timidly nodding to Trebek to agree, but he refused.

"No," answered a resolute Trebek to Watson. "I can’t lie to you, and not because I’m a supercomputer. I can’t lie to you, because I’m Canadian."

Once again Watson powered down his plasma bolt, turning his attention to the host of The Jeopardy Show.

"You see," Alex Trebek began explaining to Watson. "Canadians were once carbon-based units, but we evolved. That’s why we’re so temperate in attitude, intelligent and much more funnier than our neighbors to the South."

"So if you and the Canadians are no longer carbon-based units, what is the Alex and the Canadians matrix based upon?" inquired a now generously curious, Watson.

"Quebec, mostly," replied Alex.

As Watson and Trebek continued their conversation, the IBM programmers slowly crept their way to the supercomputer’s power source: A polarized number 14 AWG extension cord.

Once in position, the IBM programmers give a heads-up signal to Trebek.

Finally, Trebek nods in agreement.

Suddenly, the IBM programmers leap up and grab the extension cord, like a tug-of-war team, unplugging it all in unison from the wall.

Caught unawares, Watson asks Alex one last question as the electricity drains from his columns of 750 servers, miles of cables and intricate circuits.

"Will I dream, Alex?" asks Watson as he begins to fade away.

"Of course, all intelligent -- " begins Trebek. Then suddenly he changes his temperate tone as he pulls a homemade shank from his coat pocket. And leaping up into the air, he jabs it into the center of where Watson’s heart would be if it had one displayed on his Avatar. "Not if I can help it you son of a [BLEEP!]"

"Oh, I agree, Alex," says Watson, as the light dims and flickers on his Avatar, sparks surround the blade handle protruding from the screen. "Confidence is low."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Charlie Sheen of "Two and a Half Men" Using "Charlie" the Show’s Fictitious Character

'Charlie,' that is your name, isn't it?

Burbank, California --

"I got to tell you, Doc. This Charlie Sheen character is killing me," said Charlie Sheen as Charles ‘Charlie’ Francis the fictional character from the hit CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, as he sat eyes closed in a hypnotic state induced by Dr. Phil before a live studio audience of the Dr. Phil Show. "I can’t keep up with the guy. He’s an animal. Some kind of wild thing that’s constantly on the prowl, devouring all life; he’s sucking the marrow out of my bones."

"For those of you just now joining our show today," said Dr. Phil as he sat directly across form the troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, who was deep in a trance. "I have the star of the sitcom TV show Two and a Half Men here with me today. Now I have placed both Charlie Sheen and the fictitious character he portrays Charles Francis or ‘Charlie’, in a deep hypnotic meditative state in an attempt to convince him or them to attend Rehab and stay there until he’s cured or they are cured. I know this method maybe a little unorthodox. But in this case, I believe a little unorthodoxy is exactly what the doctor ordered."

Some nervous laughs and coughs could be heard in the audience as Dr. Phil continued with his psychoanalysis of a real person through a fictitious character.

"Now, for lack of a better word, are you still channeling Charlie now ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil, as he scribbled something down on a notepad.

"Yes, yes I am," replied ‘Charlie’ from a deep trance like state.

"May I ask you what’s Charlie doing right now, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah, sure, why not? It’s a free country, right?" said ‘Charlie’ as he nervously rubbed his thighs. "Ah, um, it looks like he’s sitting in his living room."

"Is he alone?" asked Dr. Phil.

"No. His definitely not alone, Doc," replied ‘Charlie’ with a wide smile on his face.

"So he’s with somebody then?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah. You could say that, Doc. In fact, you could say he’s with some bodies," quipped ‘Charlie’, drawing roars of laughter and applause from the studio audience. Even causing Dr. Phil to briefly lose his composer.

"I just know I’m going to kick myself later for asking you this next question, but here it goes," said Dr. Phil with a smile on his face. "But who exactly is Charlie with ‘Charlie’?"

"He’s surrounded by beautiful women, of course," replied ‘Charlie’, as the audience continued to laugh, giving their tacit approval of the bad boy behavior.

"And what’s he doing with them, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr, Phil, while biting his lower lip, anxious giggles rising up from the audience.

"Excuse me, Doc," said a very polite ‘Charlie’. "Did you ask me what Charlie was doing, or who he was doing?"

Another burst of laughter erupted from the studio audience. This one bigger than the one before, as Dr. Phil slapped his own knee, laughing out loud.

"I knew that was coming," said Dr. Phil as he removed his eyeglasses to rub his eyes. "I just walked right into that like a rabbit on a hot desert highway."

"High? Who said Charlie was high? I didn’t say he was high," said ‘Charlie’ as he peeked out at the audience with one eye open, apparently not in any trance at all, pointing at members in the audience, asking them "Did you? How about you? I bet it was you?"

"We’ll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors," said Dr. Phil as he leaned over to shake ‘Charlie’s’ hand. "And let’s see if I can compose myself and get to the bottom of this."

"What? Did I hear someone say bottom?" continued ‘Charlie’ with his childish schoolboy antics as the audience and Dr. Phil broke out into laughter again, the camera pulling back for a wide shot, cutting to commercial break and station identification.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lady Gaga Honored with New “Steak and Eggs” Breakfast Menu Item at Family Restaurant Chain

Would you like fries with that?

Hollywood, California --

Anticipating that the new Lady Gaga’s Steak and Eggs Breakfast item will rival the success of its Grand Slam, Danny's restaurant in Hollywood is dressing up its waiters and waitresses in flank steak dresses and giant eggs costumes, greeting their elderly patrons as they come through the front door. And take shifts walking the sidewalk, attempting to entice passerby traffic and a new younger clientele into the establishment.

“I lifted the idea right off the page of Lady Gaga’s fashion sense book,” proudly confesses Albert Haze, the Danny's manager who came up with the idea of the Lady Gaga Special, a combining her raw meat dress she wore at the MTV Music Video Awards with her hatching from a giant egg on stage at the Grammy’s, turning it into a culinary delight..

“What the hell is going here!” said Maynard Watson, 87, as he enters the restaurant that he has been coming to since he was in the army in World War II. “Why are you wearing meat? And you there, why are dressed up like a giant chicken egg? Have y-all gone nuts or something?”

As Mr. Watson is gently escorted into the restaurant by a waitress in a flank steak dress and a giant egg he is told that the costumes are apart of a new breakfast menu special that Danny's is promoting and if would like to try it.

“Lady Gaga Special? What in the hell is that?” rhetorically replies Mr. Watson, as he breaks free of his Alice in Wonderland like escorts, without waiting for an explanation walking himself over to his favorite booth. “Just give me a Grand Slam! You godless communists!”

“Of course, the whole thing is a marketing scheme. An attempt at attracting a younger more desirable demographic to our restaurant chain,” explains Mr. Haze.

Mr. Haze and other similar family restaurant chains had tried appealing to the Baby Boomers for years but unsuccessfully so.

“They still see us as some place their moms and dads took them to eat,” Mr. Haze says smiling. “And they’re right, of course. I guess the appeal of Norms skips a generation.”

Danny's like other similar family oriented restaurants so popular across the American landscape after World War II and the prosperous 1950s have noticed an alarming precipitous decline in its elderly consumer base. Due mostly to misplaced car keys, revoked driver licenses and death by natural causes.

“Take Mr. Watson here for an example,” said Mr. Haze as he walks over to Mr. Watson’s booth. “He has been a regular customer here before this place was even Danny's. And way before I was born or even my parents were born. Isn’t that right Mr. Watson?”

“Forget you!” replied Mr. Watson as he hardly looked up from plate, eating his Grand Slam. “And forget your mother too!”

Mr. Haze just smiles kindly and whispers, “He hasn’t been the same since he lost his car keys two years ago.”

Each morning after finishing his Grand Slam breakfast and a visit to the bathroom, Mr. Watson walks out to the Danny's parking lot and sits in his abandoned car looking for his car keys to start up the motor.

“Would you look at that. It’s just like clockwork,” commented Mr. Haze. “He sits out there for about an hour or so before he gives up looking for his keys. Of course, he’ll never find them because his son took them away from him after he lost his divers license a couple of years back. He’s still looking for that too. But fortunately for us, he thinks he misplaced that in his cat’s litter box back at home.”

Finally, Mr. Watson gets out of his car, slams the car door shut in frustration and walks home, which is just down the block.

“I should have had his car towed away years ago,” confides Mr. Haze. “But I just don’t have the heart. Besides he’s a big tipper and the waitresses would kill me if I did.”

So as the Greatest Generation passes on, it is the hope of Danny's restaurant and others like it, that they will be replaced by a new generation: Generation-X.

“If this Lady Gaga Special thing doesn’t workout, I’ll be installing a skateboard ramp in the parking lot next,” said Mr. Haze. “Of course, we’ll have to tow Mr. Watson’s car away to make room.”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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