Imposter Turkeys Get Presidential Pardon -- Really Salahi White House Gatecrashers in Disguise!



"Release the hounds!"


Washington, D.C. --

Law enforcement agents began investigating another White House gate-crashing incident today, allegedly perpetrated by the Salahis during last week’s presidential turkey pardoning ceremony.

Earlier in the year, the same couple, Tareq and Michaele, stepped into the national spotlight when they stepped out for an evening on the town, showing up at, of all places, a formal White House function hosted by the Obamas, claiming to be their invited guests.

“We want to know exactly how the Salahis alluded White House security for a second time this year,” said police.

It is believed this time the Salahis used a pair of crudely fashioned turkey costumes to gain unlimited access to the White House event.

Authorities were first alerted that something was wrong by a volunteer who works at the turkey sanctuary where the pardoned fowls are traditionally sent to live out their natural lives, upon return of a promotional tour of Disneyland in California. Which half of the birds are not expected to survive the first year, due to their generically alerted makeup.

“I found the turkey costumes out back, behind the barn,” said Wilbur Matthews of the Second Chance turkey sanctuary. “It seemed strange to me that a turkey would shed their skin like that. Let alone two turkeys. So I called the police.”

“It’s clear by the security tape taken from the Baltimore-Washington Intentional Airport that the Salahis hijacked the motor vehicle transporting my clients…I mean, umm, the pair of White Hollands [the turkeys],” said Special Agent, Mark Ford, who was assigned to Apple and Cider, ever since they hatched.

Special Angent Ford was scheduled to escort the fowl to the White House ceremony where they were expected to receive a full presidential pardon. That was, however, before he lost track of them at the airport.

A review of the White House security tape showed the Salahis driving the delivery truck pass the guardhouse and onto the White House grounds with a military precession that law enforcement professionals will be, in all likelihood, studying for years to come.

“Sometime after pulling the truck up to the back of the White House service entrance, the Salahis changed into two custom made 14-pound turkey suits,” explained Special Agent Ford. “And then they proceeded to the Rose Garden with the assistance of a kitchen staff member.”

As Special Agent Ford said, after pulling up to the service entrance the Salahis quickly changed into their turkey suits, honked the horn and yelled out of the back door of the truck, calling for assistance.

“All I heard was, ‘Hey! Somebody come get these birds before they spoil!” said Manuel Sanchez, an assistant chef who unwittingly carried the Salahis to the Rose Garden to pose for photographs with the president.

“You mean there were people inside those tiny bird cages?” said a surprised Sanchez. “No wonder they were so heavy, man. I should get paid overtime or something. Instead Obama wants to freeze my wages. Can you believe it, man?"

Unfortunately the Salahis’ deception was not discovered until after the conclusion of the pardoning ceremony, which resulted in the demise of the real Apple and Cider.

“We recovered their bodies…” said Special Agent Ford, who became verklempt, appearing visibly shaken as he spoke. “Or what was left of them.”

Apple and Cider were found in a refrigerator at a private residence outside the beltway the day after Thanksgiving.

“They were smothered…in gravy,” said Special Agent Ford as he broke down weeping.

An autopsy will be preformed on the uneaten remains to determine the official cause of death, however, initial findings point to three probable causes: sudden blunt force trauma to the head, decapitation and heat exhaustion.

“I’m hoping…they didn’t suffer,” said an inconsolable Special Agent Ford.

As for the Salahis, they have been summonsed to appear before a Congressional Hearing, again. However, it is believed they will escape any criminal prosecution.

“Even if we charged them with simple trespassing, it wouldn’t stick,” said spokesman for the Department of Justice. “Because they got a [BLEEP] damn presidential pardon!”

The discarded turkey suits will be sent to an undisclosed location somewhere in West Virginia.

“They will be analyzed there for any further evidence,” said a spokesman for the Secret Service. “And then destroyed by fire.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

John Boehner Calling Obama “Lip [Service] Gate” Reason Enough to Hold Congressional Hearings -- Possible Impeachment Proceedings Begin?



"What? Me worry? I'll
compromise my way out
of this one, like always.
But what about you?"

 
Washington, D.C. --

Speaking as the incoming Speaker of the House and on behalf of his fellow Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats, John Boehner stood before a press conference today. Crying out for a Congressional Hearing into what he is calling “Lip Gate” to investigate how Barack Obama received an injury requiring 12 stitches to his lip during a basketball game last Friday. Even demanding that he voluntarily steps down now or face impeachment proceeding to force him from the Office as the duly elected President of the United States of America.

“I want to assure the country that this Congressional Hearing will be conducted in accordance with the rule of law and will not be turned into a witch hunt for personal or political party gain,” said Boehner.

However, used for the purpose for which it was intended, as a legitimate probe into a possible impeachment proceeding, according to Boehner.

“After all," Boehner continued. "It’s important for the American people to know in a time of crisis such as this when their leader suffers a life threatening injury, under what can only be described as suspicious circumstances at best, that we politicians know when its time to put away petty partisanship. And stand united behind their president. Therefore, I am demanding that since Obama is not a U.S. citizen but a Kenyan, that the Department of Justice charges the alleged assailant with assault on a foreign dignitary. And do so without delay. Let us not forget that we are a nation of laws, not just men. And justice delayed, is justice denied.”

Boehner then expressed concern over the president’s state of mental health, suggesting the injuries were more extensive then first reported.

“You know, in order to get 12 stitches, Obama must have sustained a tremendous amount for blunt force trauma to his head,” said Boehner. “Enough even to generate a concussion, I bet. Therefore, I have also asked the Surgeon General to declare Obama unfit to serve in office, pending a full medical examination of the president to assure the nation that he’s still physically and mentally capable of leading our Republic.”

Meanwhile, in a totally unrelated issue, while awaiting action on behalf of the Department of Justice and the office of the Surgeon General, Boehner managed to reinstate the ‘Death Panel’ provision back into the ‘Obama Health-Care’ legislation, during a rare midnight emergency secession of the so-called lame duck Congress.

“Death Panel’ is such an awful sounding phrase to describe a ‘Death Panel’ here folks,” said Boehner into the Congressional record. “So what do you say we use a more euphemistic term instead. Something more upbeat like, ‘Health Insurance Medical Review and Final Appeals Board’, okay?”

Boehner then concluded his second press conference as incoming Speaker of the House in which he managed not to shed a tear, although he did seem to be getting a little verklempt toward the end.

“I, umm,” said Boehner hesitating for a moment, sniffling overheard between pregnant pauses. “I, umm, want to…thank…y’all for coming today. That’s all. I just wanted to say…thanks.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

TSA’s Giant Blue Latex Glove Balloon Gropes Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

 

The TSA says: "Hello Kitty"?!

   
New York, New York --

What can only be described as sheer terror broke out among the thousand of spectators lining the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade route today as they witnessed this year’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) entry – A Giant Blue Latex Glove -- turn the corner onto 34th Street, floating above their heads, slowly headed their way.

“I thought we left that thing back at LaGuardia,” said Mark Gomez as he fled the parade attempting to save his 9-year-old daughter, Virginia, from a traumatic groping or full mechanical radioactive body scan. “I mean -- Oh the humanity!”

People scattered about the parade route, dodging into buildings and climbing lamp posts attempting to hitch a ride onto the backs of one of the other giant balloons, hoping to escape the giant TSA blue latex glove, though it was to no avail. Eventually it caught up to them…in the end, frisking and groping them for contraband and weapons of mass distraction of any kind.

TSA’s two-story tall inflatable gloved entry was one of 15 giant balloons and 43 novelty balloons participating in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, said parade planning officials.

According to witnesses, the giant blue latex glove first went out of control when the wind changed direction causing the giant “Hello Kitty” balloon to brush up against it.

“I just don’t get it,” said one TSA balloon handler. “The same thing happened earlier in the day with the giant ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ balloon and nothing happened then.”

Sparks were reportedly seen by parade goers when the TSA balloon came into contact with “Hello Kitty” balloon, causing concern for a real chance of electrical shock.

“The amount of static electricity generated from the friction of those giant balloons could have taken out half the crowd,” later said a concerned parade official.

Fortunately, the clap…of thunder that the static electricity produced pushed the balloons apart, resulting in a micro storm front. That took the form of a little black cloud that hovered over the giant TSA blue latex glove for the rest of the parade.

Terrified witnesses watched helplessly as the TSA’s floating terror and accompanying black cloud headed for two giant hovering pumpkin balloons further down the parade route.

“It must have mistaken them for a giant pair of orange testicles,” said a parade goer, as she unwittingly witnessed the world fist and biggest airborne medical examination. “I swear I heard the giant TSA glove say to the pumpkins, ‘Please turn your head to the left and cough.”

After the incident, hundreds attempted to file a police report, alleging they all felt violated by the experience. However, they were turned away. Told it was a civil matter and handed a bottle of K-Y Jelly instead.

“There’s not enough water-base, water-soluble personal lubricant in the world,” said a traumatized parade spectator, laying alongside the parade route in the fetal position.

To everybody’s relief, the giant rogue TSA glove was finally halted when handlers of the “Tom Turkey” novelty balloon got an idea.

“We maneuvered ‘Tom Turkey’ right in front of the TSA glove,” said a Tom Turkey balloon handler. “And then we made it wiggle its tail feathers, making gobble, gobble turkey sounds too.”

Apparently, when the TSA glove got wind the ‘Tom Turkey’ novelty balloon it just could not resist and headed straight for it, dragging along its handlers behind it.

With all five fingers squeezed together, forming a cone like missile tip, it rammed its way all the way up the posterior of ‘Tom Turkey’, trapping itself there.

“It reminded me of the bird we have cooking in the oven back home,” said Gomez. “I, umm, think we’ll stop off somewhere and pickup a ham for dinner instead.”

“It reminded me more of a scene from ‘The Incredibles’ movie,” said Virginia. “You know, when ‘Mr. Incredible’ released that rocket claw into the heart of the giant metal ball robot. Yeah, it was more like that.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo. All Rights Reserved.

Photo(s) courtesy of http://publicdomainclip-art.blogspot.com/

Jimmy Kimmal Declares War on Facebook! Cyber Body Causalities Begin to Mount!



What?! Not again!

 Hollywood, California --


Yesterday claimed another Facebook user, yet another victim of “National UnFriend Day”? Was it you? No? Well, of course not.

Well, imagine, nevertheless for a moment, that it was you. For after signing on to your Facebook account, you quickly discovered that you were among the causalities of Jimmy Kimmal’s late night vicious joke campaign.

All the while millions of others on Facebook continue to attempt to logon to their account to join innocently in what is unbeknownst to them has become a national feeding frenzy to be the first on their virtual block to do the unfriending, while a more vast, vast silent majority of others, fearing rejection, opt to unfriend themselves instead.

“They call the friendships we formed on Facebook and other cyberspace social networks artificial, synthetic and even impersonal,” said BlueAlex0193, while holding a computer keyboard up to his mouth, his index finger nervously hovering over the delete button. “And you know what? They’re right.”

Sadly, as police attempted to e-mail BlueAlex0193 to convince him to choose life, they were abruptly disconnected from his dialup service.

It is believed he suddenly depressed the delete key, attributed police, pending the release of the official autopsy report.

“Either that, or he tripped over the phone cord,” police said. “inadvertently choking himself to death, something that would have never happened if he had simply gone with a wireless connection.”

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo

TSA to Issue Flowers and Chocolates at Security Checkpoints

About last night....

Washington, D.C. --

Desperate to deal with the growing public outrage over its new enhanced security pat down procedure that is openly referred to as “Groping” by airline passengers, and its full radiated body scan that leaves nothing to the imagination, seeing right through clothing rendering the person naked with images popping up on the Internet despite promises of privacy, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is activity engaged in a public relation’s campaign to placate the masses.

“We got the idea to give out chocolates bars from our solders during World War II, who handed out candy to children in countries we liberated,” said a spokesman for the TSA. “Also, out of a suggestion box from one of our employees who is quite experienced in having a number of dates gone wrong.”

TSA agents are instructed to handout gift certificates for chocolate to men who have been through the full body scan and gift certificates for flowers to women who have been disproportionately traumatized by the pat down screening.

“Chocolates?” said Albert Mathews, having recently opted for a full mechanical body scan. “I don’t need chocolates; I need a good stiff drink.

Mr. Mathews later added that if he would have known he was going to be exposed to such an intensive dose of radiation in his private parts region, he would have taken precautions before arriving at the airport.

“I would’ve stopped off at a sperm bank and made a substantial donation first,” said Mr. Mathews.

“Well, I guess the flowers are a nice idea,” said Mrs. Jane Miller, 36, mother of two, who had to be placed into a wheelchair unable to stand, much less walk on her own power, after receiving a pat down by TSA agents. “I mean after a search like that, I couldn’t hold anything down in my stomach anyway.”

TSA gift certificates can be redeemed at any major participating retailer (subject to availability).

Copyright © 2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Emma Watson Shares a Personal Secret

London, England –


The talented and attractive 19-year-old, Emma Watson, who plays the rambunctious and worldly “Hermione Granger” in the world famous “Harry Potter” movie series recently recounted to a women’s fashion magazine one of her most personal and revealing secrets, a moment held precious and dear to every young woman’s heart, as she blossoms into womanhood: the first time she discovers she is a millionaire.

“Although it was a couple of years ago when I was 17, it feels like it just happened yesterday,” said Emma Watson reading a passage from her diary as she recalled the day her father sat her down and had the talk – the money talk -- with her.

“Sit down, Emma,” he said to me, patting a spot on my bed, inviting me to take-up a seat next to him.

The walls of Emma’s room were typical for a teenager. All covered in ‘Harry Potter’ movie premiere posters, except she was in them all, dating back to the first film when she was only a prepubescent kid and autographed by all her co-stars and J.K. Rowling.

“Why? What is it, daddy?” said Emma as she stopped brushing her hair and sat next to her father. “This not about ‘The Talk’, again, is it? Because mummy already had that conversation with me.”

“No, it’s not about ‘The Talk’,” said Mr. Watson making air quotes with his fingers which made Emma laugh out loud as he looked around the room, trying not to look intimidated by the ‘Harry Potter’ posters that surrounded him, serving as a constant reminder of his daughter fortune and fame. “Although I’m relieved you and your mother already discussed that.”

“I understand --” said Emma Watson before she was cut off mid sentence by her father who seemed hesitant and distracted.

“It took the pressure off me,” said Mr. Watson with a big gulping sound emanating from his throat.

“What is it, daddy?” said a concerned looking Emma as she inched closer to her father, reaching out for his hand, hoping to help him overcome his anxiety that was apparent to both of them.

“Emma, I’ve been keeping a horrible secret from you,” said Mr. Watson.

“What, daddy?” said Emma. “You can tell me.”

“Well, you know how I’ve only been giving you $75.00 a week for your allowance for doing your chores around the house and whatnot?”

“Yes, daddy,” said Emma Watson. “But it’s alright. It’s not your fault. It’s all you can afford. I don’t blame you.”

“Yeah, well. About that --” said Mr. Watson.

“If only J.K. Rowling would pay more than $10,000 per movie. If you ask me she’s the witch. And that rhymes with [BLEEP]!” said an enraged Emma Watson.

“Listen, umm, dear. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said Mr. Watson, trying to calm his daughter down

“Imagine cheating me, a little girl, and all these years. Like, like that,” continued Emma. “Paying me a mere $10,000 per movie like that. Isn’t that what you said she pays me, daddy?”

“What was that, dear?” said Mr. Watson taken aback by the rapid dissipation of his daughter normally mild mannered demeanor.

“I said, isn’t that what she has been paying all these years?” repeated Emma but now in a demanding tone.

“Oh, yes. That’s about right,” said Mr. Watson. “Just $10,000 dollars a movie, dear.”

“I wish that rich [BLEEP] would leave her castle in Scotland for once,” said Emma as she grabbed a stuffed animal from her pillow. “I swear I’d like to wrap my fingers around her throat and…”

“Emma! Emma! Emma!” screamed Mr. Watson as he reached out for his daughter, her hands locked around the throat of her favorite Teddy Bear, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Who wore a black leather silver studded biker jacket with matching cap.

“I swear I’ll never do another ‘Harry Potter’ movie ever again!” said Emma.

“Stop it, Emma! Stop it,” begged Mr. Watson. “Besides, I’ve been putting money aside, saving it up for you.”

“What could you have possibly saved with what I earned after taxes, acting lessons and giving me my $75.00 weekly allowance?” said Emma as she tossed her beheaded and disemboweled Teddy Bear against the wall and then proceeded to teardown her all her collectable ‘Harry Potter’ posters.

“Forty-two million dollars!” reluctantly yelled out Mr. Watson. “Now for god sakes, get a hold of yourself. You’re acting like the typical American teenage girl. After all, remember. You’re British.”

Emma sat down silently beside her father again, her hair covering her eyes.

“Where is it?” Emma asked calmly, the only evidence of her emotional outburst the ripped up ‘Harry Potter’ posters and white fiber stuffing from her former Teddy Bear, Dumbledore, which clung to her hair in clumps.

“Right here,” said Mr. Watson as he reached behind his back, producing a pink piggy bank.

“Forty-two million dollars fit into that?” asked a disbelieving Emma, weighing the pink piggy bank in her hand, peeking inside.

“It’s in very large denominations,” said Mr. Watson, wiping away beads of sweat from his forehead.

“Huh. Oh. Okay,” said Emma as she placed the piggy bank on her dresser, next to her Teddy Bear’s beheaded body and Mickey Mouse novelty phone. “I’ll count it later.”

“Now you must promise me, Emma,” said Mr. Watson as he rose up and walked to her bed room door. “You must not break open 'Mrs. Piggy' Bank until you’re 21, okay?”

“Why, daddy?” asked Emma as she began picking up her room.

“Because…” said Mr. Watson as he hesitated, searching his mind for an answer. “It’s bad luck?”

“Oh. Okay,”’ said Emma pausing for a moment in thought before she shrugged her shoulder and continued picking up her room.

Outside Emma’s room Mr. Watson is approached by Mrs. Watson.

“Well, did she believe you?” asked a concerned Mrs. Watson.

“For now,” said Mr. Watson.

“That gives us just four more years to raise the 42 million dollars we've spent,” said Mrs. Watson.

“Either that, or time for 'Mrs. Piggy' bank to take a little road trip to the butcher’s shop, eh,” said Mr. Watson, making air qoutes with his fingers again.


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

New York Marathon Chilean Miner Says He Trained by Outrunning Avalanches, Landsides and Cave-ins

Ready! Set! GO!!!!

New York, New York --


Rescued Chilean miner, Edison Peña, drew a hush from a crowd of spectators and admirers who gathered around him to watch him pick up his bib from the New York Marathon officials Thursday, as he told his inspirational story that not only did he train for the up coming marathon while trapped in a mineshaft a half mile beneath the earth for 69 days, but that he trained up on the surface during his lunch breaks too, before the mine collapse.

In fact, on the day of the mine collapse, Peña recalled to the captive audience of mostly running fans that it was during his daily training routine of placing a stick of dynamite at the foot of a mountain, lighting it up and running away from the avalanche of rolling rocks and debris that he found himself trapped in the mine with 32 other men.

“I never start running until I hear the thunderous sound of the exploding dynamite,” said Peña, who as a child of an impoverished miner was too poor to afford a starting pistol. So together with the other children of his village used sticks of dynamite, instead of a signal gun, to start their runs.

However, this time, Peña could sense something was different from all the other landslides he triggered with explosives.

“After the explosion,” said Peña as he outran the wave of boulders, dust and abandoned mining equipment behind him. “The earth she did not stop shaking for some reason. Not like she usually does after a minute or two, all depending on how many sticks of dynamite I use, of course. But instead she kept shaking.”

Peña thought to himself that perhaps there was someone else from his village training in the area, as he never before in his life experienced an earthquake.

At the moment, however, there were more pressing matters for Peña to attend to.

“When I looked over my shoulder,” said Peña. “I could see the avalanche was gaining on me. So I had to make a decision and quick.”

Fortunately for Peña there was a mineshaft just a quarter of a mile or so ahead of him, so he made a sharp turn inside of it.

“Just in time too,” said Peña. “The rocks sealed the entrance of the mine behind me.”

Once safely inside, Pena did not stop running however. Instead he turned on the light on his miner’s hat and kept running down into the interior of the mountain until he encountered the other miners at the bottom of the darkened shaft.

“When I first saw them standing there in the dark, I said to them, ‘What? Don’t tell me you were training for the marathon too?” said a nearly exhausted but relieved Peña.

Peña has agreed to submit to a full body cavity search before the beginning of the race on Sunday as a safety precaution imposed by the marathon officials.


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Rescued Chilean Miners’ 15-Minutes of Fame Over Already?

Santiago, Chile --


A major breakfast cereal manufacturer announced today that it is canceling its plans to place all 33 faces of the rescued Chilean miners on a special collector’s edition of its most popular brand of cereal.

The decision came down from the corporate office when a dispute between the miners arose over whether they should all appear on a signal cereal box cover, or each appear separately on their own respective box of cereal.

“Sometime during negotiations it seems the cereal company, along with the public, simply lost interest,” said a spokesman for the miners at a nearly empty press conference to yawning reporters.

Other evidence that the miners may have exhausted their 15-minutes of fame came when paparazzi style photographs surfaced depicting dozens of the miners in candid moments of domesticity from taking out the trash, picking up after the family dog to sleeping on the couch. While other pictures showed the unmarried miners having to pay for their own drinks and lap dances at the local bar.

Despite the sensationalism of the shots, however, no buyer could be found for the photos.

“I’m going back to Hollywood to see if Lindsey Lohan is out of rehab again,” said a paparazzo who had been stalking the miners since their release. “If I hang around here much longer, I’ll starve.”

“They’re down to a ribbon cutting ceremony at the neighborhood grocery store in the morning,” continued the spokesman for the miners. “After that, they hit rock bottom. And have to star on their own reality TV show, if they expect to milk any more money out of what is left of their last remaining 15-minutes fame.”

No word as to whether the miners will be appearing all together on one reality TV show, or 33 separate ones.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo