Dr. Evil Implicated in ‘Starbucks’ Russian Spy Ring

Washington, D.C. --

Dr. Evil quickly denied any involvement in the Russian spy ring that operated unbeknownst to all out of the trendy ‘Starbucks’ café franchise in Arlington County, Virginia, insisting that he is guilty only of being a major stockholder in the coffee corporation.

“I’ve renounced my evil ways,” said Dr. Evil from his lair inside the Seattle Space Needle, overlooking the emerald city of the Pacific Northwest.

Dr. Evil referred reporters to an earlier press release in which he had previously announced his retirement from the evil profession, however no one knew what the hair follicle challenged mastermind of doom and despair was talking about.

“None of you got the memo I sent out?” asked Dr. Evil as he stroked his hairless pussycat from his black leather chair. “You know, the one where I, the most evil villain of all time. The Freddy Krueger from your nightmares on Saint Elmo’s Street. America’s most wanted desperado announced that he was calling it quits? No? No one?”

Just then ‘Number Two’, Dr. evil’s chief assistant, leaned over Dr. Evil’s chair, tapping him on his shoulder.

“They said no, Dr. Evil,” said Number Two.

“Right,” said Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil then arose up out of his chair, walking over to a ‘Starbucks’ coffee outlet kiosk conveniently situated in his evil den and coming soon to a location near you.

As ‘Mini-Me’, Dr. Evil’s three-foot clone, dressed up as a Barista served him a cappuccino double espresso with a twist of lime, Dr. Evil began telling his story.

“You see the reason I retired from evil is quite simple really,” said Dr. Evil as he looked up from his coffee cup, holding it with both hands as he spoke in between sips. “There’s just too much competition out there today. I mean with your banksters, Wall Street’s Super Sonic Hedge Hog fund investors and BPs and all. Tell me who in the hell can compete with [BLEEP] that? I knew I couldn’t. So I decided it was time for me to leave the business. That’s all. No biggy.”

Dr. Evil now claims he is just an average American billionaire who owns shares in a major corporation.

“Now I just lounge around killing time instead of people,” said Dr. Evil. “While waiting for my dividend checks to arrive in the mail. So I can cash them down at the neighborhood liquor store. And buy some 40-ouncers for the homies.”

After returning to his black leather chair, Dr. Evil continued.

“So you see ladies and gentlemen,” said Dr. Evil as he resumed petting his cat. “I have no interest in international espionage. In fact, I haven’t done an evil thing since my retirement. Not unless you count voting Republican in the last election.”

As Dr. Evil turned around his chair with his back to reporters, he asked to be excused.

“Now if you will all be so kind as to excuse me, I have a flight to South Africa to catch,” said Dr. Evil. “You see I have a few more elimination matches to referee in the World Cup before the big game.”

With that, Dr. Evil began to laugh in a sinister manner.

Later, aboard an international flight headed for South Africa…

“Sinister is not evil,” argued Dr. Evil over the phone with a writer from ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine, as fellow passengers peered over their seats, trying to see what the commotion was all about. “It’s just sinister…Okay granted, maybe it’s just a little evil, but that’s off the record…Come on man give me a [BLEEP] break here…Print that and I’ll sue. I won’t stand for you doing me like you did that fine general…Oh, never mind. It’s too [BLEEP] late for suing…That’s right you heard me you mother [BLEEP]…Why is it too late for suing? Because I’m going to [BLEEP] liquidate you, like magma.”

After hanging up the phone, Dr. Evil ordered a non-alcoholic drink and tilted his airline seat all the way back to the full recline position.

“Okay,” Dr. Evil sighed to himself as he closed his eyes, taking sips out of a straw from his fruit drink with a tiny umbrella in it. All the while, mentally plotting the demise of the ‘Rolling Stone’ writer. “Looks like Dr. Evil is back in [BLEEP] business.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Vuvuzelas at World Cup Blamed for Man Being Stung to Death by Bees

Johannesburg, South Africa --

A man in attendance at the World Cup 2010 games in South Africa was found stung to death by thousands of Europeanized bees today. His swollen and bloated body was found under the bleachers after a football [soccer] match between Slovenia and team USA, which ended in a 2 to 2 tie with the Americans having achieved a stunning comeback after being nearly defeated in the first 45 minutes of the game by the weakest players in Group C.

South African officials believe the deceased man was a football fan and not merely a passerby, judging by the elevated blood alcohol level at the time of his death.

As for the cause of his demise, it has not yet been officially determined.

However, security cameras covering the event clearly show the man was walking underneath the stadium bleachers carrying a tray of beer when he stumbled upon a swarm of bees.

Beekeepers around the world have been warning World Cup officials of the danger the vuvuzela horn posses, which they claim collectively mimics the sound of an active beehive.

“When it’s just one [vuvuzela], it posses no threat to a colony of bees,” said Pablo Martinez, a Spanish beekeeper. “But when combined with hundreds or thousands of them, they make a bee-like sound similar to that of bees on the attack.”

Apparently, the resulting droning sound that the vuvuzela produces arouses surrounding bee colonies, causing the drones to become alarmed and placed in a defensive posture.

Rolling up his sleeve exposing recent signs of bee stings on his arm, Martinez claims he had to put on his beekeepers suit and use smoke to calm down his bees because they were so disturbed by all the noise the vuvuzela horn was making.

That was before he figured out that all he had to do was turn down the volume on his TV set to continue watching the World Cup without further disturbance.

“Who won Slovenia or America?” asked Martinez having missed the match, while calming his bees down. “Oh I really don’t care. Just so long as it wasn’t a tie. I’d kill myself if I had to watch them play each other again. Turn up the volume on my TV set and walk right out into my bees without any protection.”

“We can’t be absolutely sure that the bees weren’t already there. Or if they were in deed attracted to the football match by all the vuvuzelas sounding in the stadium,” said a FIFA spokesman at a press conference. Announcing that they are conducting their investigation into the matter after being accused of cowing to the host country’s customs and traditions.

Eager to clear the vuvuzela horn of any fault, at first South African officials tried dismissing the incident as another football fan related death.

Attempting to attribute the thousands of swollen markings on the victim’s body to tiny punches he must have sustained in a violent altercation with vertically challenged humans, rather than bees.

“You never know,” said one South African official, at the time trying to place the cause of death onto pygmy-sized football hooligans. “They could have had very little hands. Tiny hands.”

However, live aerial shots taken of the stadium from the vantage point of a Goodyear blimp hovering overhead seems to confirm the victim’s cause of death was vuvuzela related, showing what appears to be swarm of bees approaching the sports arena just moments before the deadly encounter.

“We thought it was a wisp of clouds at first,” said John Whitmore, pilot of the dirigible who had no warning of the impending mini-winged angels of death.

“I couldn’t hear a damn thing except for those blasted vuvuzelas,” said Whitmore.

Whitmore’s co-pilot attempted to warn him of the swarm of bees that he was flying into by way of hand gestures and impromptu game of charades.

“I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying. Much less what he was doing,” said Whitmore.

Not until the co-pilot stopped flapping his arms about the cockpit and picked up a vuvuzela, blowing it into Whitmore’s ear.

“Then the damn thing came to me,” continued Whitmore. “We were about to collide with a conflagration of angry bees.”

Fortunately, Whitmore and his co-pilot were able to take evasive maneuvers avoiding a full on collision with the bees, barely making an emergency landing after losing altitude.

Later, Whitmore posed next to his damaged dirigible for photojournalists, showing the bee stings his lighter than air aircraft had incurred in its airborne encounter.

“I guess they thought my airship was a giant rival queen bee,” Whitmore speculated. “Thought maybe it was responsible for making all that noise.”

After the conclusion of their investigation, South African officials say they intend to return the victim’s body back to its country of origin, which will be difficult to determine, as the individual was not carrying any identification on his person.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait for the football team that he was cheering for to come claim his body,” said the coroner, expecting that will be anytime soon after the conclusion of the World Cup. “By then, the swelling should go down a bit, too.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL’s Amy Carter Skit Criticized for Setting Controversial Precedent (i.e. Fast Forward: ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’)

New York, New York --

Saturday Night Live (SNL) has fallen under heavy criticism for its ‘Amy Carter Goes to Public School’ skit, which has been characterized by critics as insensitive, inappropriate, if not disrespectful, and should have never been aired.

“We’re talking about the President’s daughter here,” said one displeased SNL viewer calling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza to complain along with thousands of others. “She’s just a child. And no child deserves be used as either the butt or punch line of someone’s joke. No matter how much of a public figure the child’s father is.”

NBC says it never received so many complaints from their viewing audience before.

“Not since we took ‘Star Trek’ off the air nearly ten years ago,” said one concerned NBC executive.

“President Carter’s decision to send his daughter to a public school guarded by the Secret Service was the inspiration behind the comedy sketch,” explained an NBC spokesman. “His critics contend that it was an unjustified expense of taxpayers’ dollars and an intrusion into Amy Carter’s life as well as that of her classmates.”

In the comedy skit drawing all the fire, Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) is accompanied by two daunting Secret Service Agents (Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd) wearing dark suits, eyeshades and hidden walkie-talkie earpieces, standing at both sides of her desk in a classroom filled with other children after her father, President Jimmy Carter, insists that she attend public school instead of a private one.

Outraged by the complaints received for the skit, a protective Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of the late night scripted comedy TV show, vowed he would not allow anybody to intimidate his SNL writers.

“That’s my job,” said Lorne Michaels.

NBC’s legal department confirmed the controversial skit had been cleared for airing through its censor in advance, all according to policy and without incident.

“That should be enough, man,” said a SNL writer who collaborated on the creative work. “Beside, who knows, maybe one day there will be a Blackman in the White House who has kids. Can you dig that? And not placing an antic disposition on them like we did with little Amy Carter would be hypocritical, man.”

“If that day ever comes, I don’t mind risk having to place my SNL writers in the awkward position of being misperceived as racists,” said Lorne Michaels. “Better them than me.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo