Jay Leno Attempted to Takeover the ‘Oprah Winfrey Show’?

Chicago, Illinois --

“Tell me Jay,” asked a seemingly sympathetic Oprah before her live studio audience on her TV show bearing her name. “Do you feel like the bad guy? Hold on to your answer for a second, while we pause to take a short commercial break.”

As the flashing red studio applauds sign stopped and the clapping along with it, Jay Leno leaned forward to the edge of the couch to ask Oprah a question.

“Wow! You got quite a setup here,” said Jay Leno as he rubbed his hands together.

“Yeah, it’s nice,” said Oprah as a makeup artist blotted her face and the director counted down the seconds back to airtime.

“Three, two, one…” said the director.

“Do you feel like the bad guy?” continued Oprah picking up her line of questioning right where she left off.

“Not really,” answered Jay Leno as he leaned back, looking over his shoulder at an espresso machine and barista standing off stage. “Say, is that a full service mini café with an attendant over there?”

Oprah looking nervous simply ignored Jay Leno's question and repeated her own instead.

“Do you feel like the media has portrayed you unfairly?” Oprah asked.

Jay Leno did not answer. He just kept turning his head, looking around the studio as he sat on the couch.

“Hey, I bet this sofa is new,” said Jay Leno, as he began to bounce up and down on it, testing with his weight.

“Huh? What?” Oprah replied looking to her director who was standing off camera giving her the cut signal.

“That green room of yours is sure roomy,” said Jay Leno as he began lifting up and turning over the couch pillows for a closer inspection. “I don’t think I’ve ever had one quite that big before...”

“Stedman!” Oprah suddenly screamed out. “Take him out!”

Just then a man in a black hooded Ninja suit with an automatic weapon strapped to his back propelled down on a rope from the studio scaffolding above, landing on the stage right in front of Jay Leno.

“…And your audience,” continued Jay Leno, unawares as to what was going on as he had his head buried deep in the recesses of the couch. “What’s their demographic?”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Chris Matthews Watched as Obama Turned into ‘The Invisible Man’...Not the ‘Invisible Man’

Washington, D.C. --

“Pretty soon Obama lost all his pigmentation,” confessed TV political pundit Chris Matthews as he described watching Barack Obama, the nation’s first Black President deliver his first State of the Union address. “I didn’t even see a Black man anymore…I saw an invisible man.”

Actually, Chris Matthews claims all he saw was just a suit floating in the air, where Obama was standing on TV a moment ago.

“I wish Republicans could have seen Obama as I did. All invisible like that,” continued Chris Matthews. “Then maybe they would get along with him a little bit better.”

“We assure all Americans of every color,” replied a spokesman for the GOP, commenting on Chris Mathews’ colorblind remarks. “We don’t see a Black man when we look at President Obama. In fact, like Chris Matthews, we don’t see President Obama at all. To us he’s not merely invisible like in that book ‘The Invisible Man’ by H.G. Wells, but it’s as if he doesn’t exist. You know, like in that book ‘Invisible Man’ by Ralph Ellison.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

State of the Union Address Delayed Due to Teleprompter Upgrade!

Washington, D.C. --

Sitting in the Oval Office, just hours before his first State of the Union address and after losing his filibuster proof majority in both houses, waiting impatiently for the return of his teleprompter that his foulmouthed chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, sent out for an upgrade days earlier, President Barack Obama checks his wristwatch for what seemed the hundredth time, before rising to his feet and walking over to the intercom on his desk.

“Rahm, is it back yet?” asked Obama, leaning over to speak into the intercom.

“Not [BLEEP] yet Mr. President,” Rahm Emanuel replied back over the intercom as he waited across the way at the service entrance of the White House for the deliveryman to arrive. “But I’ll call you as soon as the [BLEEP] comes in.”

“Don’t call me damn it!” said Obama with a raised voice. Pausing a moment before continuing, he managed to regain his composure, calming himself down by taking in a few deep breaths. “Just bring it to me as soon as it gets here.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” replied Rahm Emanuel without hesitation. “I’ll [BLEEP] you when I [BLEEP] got the [BLEEP] thing.”

Obama then began to pace the room with his hands behind his back.

Lost in a dreamlike state, Obama pauses by a shelf, staring at some photographs of him taken with the teleprompter in the early days of his presidency. Picking one up, he closes his eyes, clutches it to his chest and begins to sway his body as he slowly begins to dance around the Oval Office to the beat of his own pounding heart.

“Oh where did we go wrong?” said Obama to the photograph of the teleprompter he held cradled in his arms as he spun about the room. Now humming a well. “We had them eating out of our hands back then. I had a full metal jacket. I had a filibuster proof majority in both houses. I was ‘Iron Man’. No one could touch me. Except for those damn Republicans…I mean blue dogs.”

Suddenly Rahm Emanuel busted into the Oval Office with the teleprompter towed in on a dolly.

“Mr. President! Mr. President!” excitedly said the chief of staff, oblivious to Obama dancing in the room by himself, embracing a photograph in his arms. “It’s here! It’s here! The [BLEEP] teleprompter is [BLEEP] here!”

“Leave us alone. Will you, Rahm?” said a refocused Obama, almost beneath his breath, staring intently at the veiled teleprompter from across the room as he turned down the lights and popped in a music CD. “Oh. And you better cancel my appointments with Kim Jong-il, Ahmadinejad and that Area 51 reverse engineering progress report debriefing this afternoon as well. I’m going to need a couple of hours without any distractions.”

“Okay. [BLEEP] me,” said the chief of staff as he exited the Oval Office, being sure to hang a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the outer doorknob on his way out.

“Oh, baby, baby,” said Obama with a Barry White CD playing in the background as he slowly lifted up the veil covering the teleprompter. “It’s magic time…again.”


Copyright Ó 2008-2020 by Robert W. Armijo

83 Million Watched the Haiti Telethon -- Half Just to See if Brangelina Would Show Up?

Hollywood, California --

Literally disappointing millions of Brangelina fans and fueling rumors of their breakup, only Brad Pitt made appearance on the George Clooney Telethon for the Haiti earthquake relief effort without the breathtaking Angelina Jolie at his side.

“Every other caller was asking me, ‘Where’s Angelina Jolie? Did she really leave Brad?” said Nancy Tucker, 21, a Disney employee volunteering as a telethon phone operator taking donation pledges. “Then when I told them, ‘How would I know?’ and ask them for a donation, they’d hang up on me.”

Tucker quickly realized she was getting nowhere fast and that she was sitting on a goldmine.

“Donations were way down,” said Tucker. “So I did what I had to for the people of Haiti.”

Without authorization from her boss, Tucker set out on her own to rescue the people of Haiti with a little embellishment.

“So I started telling the callers what they wanted to hear,” said Tucker. “I told them, ‘Angelina is backstage right now. Yeah. And she’s refusing to walk on the telethon with Brad until he promises her that he will stop seeing Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Oh my God. You’re never going to believe who just walked in…’ Then I’d stop right there, leaving the caller hanging on the phone so I could ask them for a donation, ‘…Quick, you better make a donation. I think my boss is getting suspicious’.”

Tucker says she does not feel guilty about what she did, but that she is proud instead.

“I don’t like calling what I did lying,” said Tucker, who was awarded first place in fund-raising. “I prefer to call it ‘Imagineering’. That’s spelled: I.M.A.G.I.N.E.E.R.I.N.G.”


Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Earthquake Aid Delivered to Haiti Via A Giant Hamster Ball?

Port-au-Price, Haiti --

“I was always a fan of the ‘Marvel’ comic book character ‘Iron Man,” explained self-confessed ‘germ-a- phobe’ ‘Deal or No Deal’ TV host Howie Mandel using a webcam on his laptop computer from inside a giant translucent hamster ball as he rolled through the rubble strewn streets of Port-au-Prince, handing out bottles of water and high energy protein bars to the desperate populous. “Now that I finally got the money I was able to construct my own version of a super mechanical exoskeleton suit. Tailoring it to fit my particular needs.”

The result: a one-man, hermetically sealed, bulletproof, self-sufficient and self-propelled mobile biosphere that allows its operator to venture into disease ridden, plague infested disaster zones to serve his fellow man. Except without having to expose oneself to unacceptable risk like Sean Penn, but all from the safety of a self-contained, germfree, armchair equipped, temperature controlled worry-free environment instead.

“It’s totally green too,” said Mandel as he continued rolling his way through crowded streets rapidly filling up with the despots of humanity, wading through hordes of Haitians that now surrounded and followed him more out of curiosity than attempting to quench their thrust or hunger. “I’m its power source.”

Either the operator’s walking, or lever pulling action on the ‘Lazy Boy’ reclining armchair, generates the kinetic energy, which is converted into electricity and transferred to the patent pending giant hamster ball’s micro-spherical unitrack power train drive.

As Mandel pauses his giant hamster ball, reaching over to place another bottle of water into an airlock with his thick black rubber gloves, all without having to get up from his armchair, an elderly Haitian man hesitates to reach in and grab it; his gestures indicating fear that he will lose his hand if he does.

“Go on,” says Mandel attempting to reassure the elderly man. “Take it -- He’s probably a Voodoo medicine man and superstitious of our Western ways.”

As the elder man refuses, taking instead a step back, he says something in French to the crowd.

“I’M SORRY,” said Mandel through his headset linked to his biosphere’s public address system as he keyed in some commands into his laptop computer that resulted in the extension of a long thin silver rod with a microphone, camera and flashlight attached to the end of it and a 60 mm machinegun being shoved into the elderly man’s face from the other side of the sphere. “PLEASE, SPEAK DIRECTLY INTO THE MICROPHONE SO MY COMPUTER CAN TRANSLATE YOUR PRIMITIVE DIALECT INTO ENGLISH. OH, AND DON’T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES.”

Suddenly, the crowd of Haitians rushed the giant hamster ball lifting it up into the air, tossing it back-and-forth to each other above their heads like a beach ball.

“PUT ME DOWN!!” Mandel pleaded. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT ME DOWN!”

“What should with do with the giant egg with the White man trapped inside of it?” asked a young Haitian man of the elderly one.

“Make crêpes suzettes?” joked the elderly gentleman. “Nah, better not. Looks a little dirty.”

Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Joan Rivers on 'The Tonight Show’: “I still got a chance!”

Hollywood, California --

“Johnny’s still dead isn’t he? Wait, wait…I just sent you a picture of his headstone that my daughter, Melissa, took this morning. Check your email. Go ahead. I’ll wait,” said Joan Rivers while she was laid out on the operating table of her Brazilian plastic surgeon’s office as she spoke with her agent over the speakerphone. “Well then. Did you get it? Good. So you see, I still got a chance! You just do you’re job and get me an interview with NBC. I’ll do the rest.”

“Mom I should tell you,” said Melissa Rivers over the same speakerphone, while lounging poolside at their Beverly Hills mansion. “I wasn’t the only one out there taking pictures of Johnny Carson’s headstone. Phyllis Diller was out there taking pictures too.”

“Don’t mind her, honey,” said Joan Rivers as she requested a can of ‘Fresca’, receiving shrugging shoulders instead. “She’s always hanging around out there. Poor woman. She believes Johnny’s coming back from the dead to reclaim his career.”

“Like Andy Kaufman?” said Melissa.

“No. More like Pee-wee Herman,” said Joan Rivers making the sound of a rim shot out of the side of her mummified mouth and moving her sticklike arms from underneath her blue surgical gown. “See. I told you I still got it.”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t alone,” continued Melissa. “Don Rickles was with her.”

“Oh my God,” said Joan Rivers as she sat up on the operating table looking like the bride of Frankenstein. “They formed a Kabalah! Quick, we got to get to that cemetery before midnight tonight, or they will resurrect Johnny from the grave, forcing him to choose the next host of the ‘Tonight Show’ from a scroll of paper jammed into his mouth like a clay Gollum.”

“So we got to get there to stop them?” said Melissa.

“Yeah,” said Joan Rivers as she ran out of her plastic surgeon’s office still wearing a blue hospital garment. “And above all, make sure my name is written on that piece of paper.”

Copyright Ó 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Jay Leno Issues Gag NBC Memo: “Beat-up a Late Night Ginger Talk Show Host Day!”

Burbank, California --

‘South Park’s’ ‘Beat-up a Ginger Day’ has spread from the schoolyard playground to the late night TV talk show circuit as physically assaulting redheaded freckle faced kids now includes picking on late night ginger talk show hosts, too.

“Why me?” reportedly said Conan O’Brien host of the ‘The Tonight Show’ as he was being beaten on the back lot of the sound stage where he tapes his late night show at NBC.

Security video could not clearly identify O’Brien’s assailants, but they appeared to be well-dressed individuals, possibly NBC executives.

Police attribute the attack to a NBC memo being circulated earlier in the week that declared it open season on gingers. But NBC executives deny issuing it.

“Come on. It was just a joke, beat-up a ginger day. That’s funny,” said Jay Leno at a press conference. “Don’t you people know funny anymore? Hey, anybody want to go for a ride on my mini-me race car track?”

While recovering at the hospital, O’Brien was told the news by NBC executives that his ‘Today Show’ was being pushed back to 12:05 am.

“Wait,” said Conan O’Brien from his hospital bed. “You guys aren’t here just to tell me I’m being pushed back are you? Because I already heard the news.”

“Well…” said one of the three NBC executives pulling out a copy of Jay Leno’s gag memo as the other two closed the hospital door and switched off the lights in the room. “Not exactly.”


Copyright Ó 2009-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Kate Gosselin: “My new hair extensions make me look 6 kids younger, don’t you think?”

Hollywood, California --

“I could never have longhair before,” explained Kate Gosselin as she sat in a hair salon chair admiring her new hair extensions with a handheld mirror. “You know, because Jon always kept getting bubble gum, popsicle sticks or his sticky fingers stuck up all in it. That’s how I ended up with that crazy looking hairdo. I was always having to cut it and all the time it kept getting shorter and shorter.”

So Kate had no choice but to go with short hair look then.

“But now, now that Jon is out of my hair,” continued Kate. “I can wear it long again and finally let it down after all these years.”

As Kate confessed it had been years since she had longhair and that she is not quite sure she can manage taking proper care of it, she still wanted it just the same.

“So I went with extensions to practice on,” said Kate as she arose form her chair. “ Like I did with Jon.”

Kate says every woman should be allowed longhair extensions to practice with before deciding if longhair , or her current husband, is really the look for her.

“The way I see it,” said Kate as she walked over to pay the cashier. “The same should apply to a woman having her first husband…or her first eight kids for that matter.”

According to Kate, it should all be counted as practice for the real thing, so that way she will be ready for when the real ‘Mister Right’ finally comes along.

“Now, I’ll take 10 bottle of your finest conditioner,” says Kate as she reaches into her purse to pay the cashier before pausing. “Wait…what am I thinking? I’m a free woman again. Make that nine bottles.”

Copyright Ó 2008-10 by Robert W. Armijo

Wanda Sykes: “I put Rush Limbaugh in the hospital with my Voodoo Doll!”

Hollywood, California --

Days after Rush Limbaugh's release from a hospital in Hawaii, long time rival and comedian, Wanda Sykes, confessed during her opening monolog on her new late night TV show on Fox 'The Wanda Sykes Show' that she was the one responsible for his chest pains.

"I conjured up some good old fashion voodoo magic," said Wanda Sykes to her studio audience. "What's wrong with that? Somebody had to. Why not me?"

Wanda Sykes got a voodoo doll in the likeness of Rush Limbaugh soon after she wished his kidneys would fail during a comedy standup routine she did last year at a formal dinner for President Barack Obama, although she did not know it at the time.

"I know they said I shouldn't have said I wish Rush Limbaugh would die of kidney failure because of all that OxyContin he was ingesting," said Wand Sykes. "At least not out loud, but hell, we were all thinking it."

Wanda Sykes says after her performance she was approached back stage by someone in a full-length trench coat, fedora hat and dark glasses that handed her a small package wrapped in plain Manila paper.

"He gave me specific instructions not to open it up until after Christmas," said Wanda Sykes. "He said I would know what to do with it then."

Wanda Sykes says when got back at home she put the package away and at Christmas time pulled and placed under her tree.

On Christmas morning, Wanda Sykes opened up all her presents and finally the small mysterious package wrapped in plain Manila paper.

"I thought it was a joke," said Wanda Sykes of the voodoo doll made in the likeness of Rush Limbaugh staring up at her from the small wooden box. "But I went along with it and stuck a needle that came with it into its chest, placed it up on the fireplace mantle and walked away. I didn't even think about any more."

That was until Wanda Sykes heard the news about Rush Limbaugh being hospitalized with chest pains.

"I immediately rushed back home, grabbed the Rush Limbaugh voodoo doll off the mantel and began jamming the needle into his chest over and over again," said Wanda Sykes. "But not right of way...First, I opened up a bottle of red wine, put on some Marvin Gaye and kicked off my shoes. After all, it's not everyday your wish comes true."

When Wanda Sykes came to, it was the next morning and Rush Limbaugh had been released from the hospital.

"Damn it!" said Wanda Sykes. "If only I'd have known that voodoo magic only lasts 24 hours, I wouldn't have had all that wine. And Rush would have been done for by now. Oh well, there's always next time."

Just then a heavy knocking came at Wanda Sykes front door.

"What now," said Wanda Sykes as she walked over to open it. "It better not be any [BLEEP] Jehovah's Witnesses."

As Wanda Sykes opened the door, a tall dark menacing figure wrapped in a black robe reached out and grabbed her throat with its bony hands, lifting her off the ground.

"I've come for my payment," bellowed the shadowy figure from beyond. "You're soul is mine now."

"You're too late," said a defiant Wanda Sykes as she tried to struggle free from the grip of the supernatural being, her legs kicking helplessly in the air. "Network TV already has that. But that's beside the point. What did I tell you? No [BLEEP] Jehovah's Witnesses. Now take your 'Watch Tower' and 'Awake' magazines with you and get. Go on. Get."

With that, the towering ghostly figure vanished, leaving Wanda Sykes sitting on her living room floor unharmed.

"Damn spirit world. Why can't you guys get it right?" said Wanda Sykes as she rose to her feet brushing herself off. "If I was trying to kill Rush, I would have stuck a pin through a more sensitive part of his body. Like his [BLEEP] wallet."


Copyright Ó 2008-10 by Robert W. Armijo