U2 Fans Miss Concert at Rose Bowl Standing in Line for H1N1 Flu Shot by Mistake

Pasadena, California --

Several dozen U2 fans throughout Pasadena mistakenly queued up in a H1N1 flu shot line today, thinking they were waiting for the music concert. “We saw the long line and thought it was for the U2 concert,” said a fan of the Irish rock band. “So we jumped out of the car and got in it.”

Hours later, after they all got their H1N1 vaccination, the U2 fans learned of their mistake.

“We were so bummed out,” said one U2 fan speaking for the rest all rubbing their left arms.

That was until Bono heard of their plight and sent a limo to pick them up and gave them backstage passes to attend an after concert party at the Rose Bowl. As they gather backstage, Bono suddenly appeared with entourage not of fans and groupies, but reporters and news photographers.

“I want to thank these special fans,” said Bono, while he hugged two of the U2 fans on either side of him that just got their flu shot by accident. “For their role in bring up social awareness of the H1N1 flu shot vaccination program in America... America. It’s people like these that make a difference in the world. They’re the real heroes.”

Then, just as they all posed for a group photo, someone quickly handed Bono another humanitarian of the year award.

“Wait,” said Bono as all at the backstage party fell silent. “Is that a little kitty I hear in distress stuck up a tree somewhere? Sorry folks duty calls. The Edge, Adam and Larry, I’ll see y-all at our next concert.”

With a single leap, bound and flap of his black leather jacket, Bono soared off into the sky.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Balloon Boy Hoax Planned by Dad Since Son’s Birth?

Fort Collins, Colorado --

Police are seriously entertaining the theory that the Colorado balloon boy hoax was planned since the birth of the child at the center of the windstorm. Birth certificate documentation found at the Heene family residence reveals that several names were considered for the alleged airborne child, all crossed out, which was the first clue for police.

“Millennium Falcon, Cosmos and Yob were among many names that were crossed out on the hospital birth certificate application,” said police.

Home videos sized from the household also seems to support the police theory of a father obsessed with measuring his son’s physical dimensions in preparation for his voyage flight.

Allegedly they show Richard Heene measuring his son several times daily throughout the years.

“We haven’t reviewed all the videos yet,” said police. ”However, of those that we have seen clearly show a father overly concerned with the boy’s weight and height.”

Police say Mr. Heene is recorded on video constantly weighing his son on the bathroom scale, tossing him high in the air and feeding him a special diet rich in whole grains, high protein and low carbohydrates.

“Mr. Heene would even sneak up on the boy and when he wasn’t looking, measured him,” said police. “Even while the boy was asleep, Mr. Heene could be seen on video pulling off the covers and pulling out a measuring tape to size up the boy.”

Police also took into custody the side of a doorway at the family residence where the balloon boy’s height was meticulously recorded several times daily, while cries from the other two boys to be measured as well were virtually ignored.

“Look at me dad! I’m growing too! Measure me! Measure me!” say the boys on the video.

“It all looks harmless enough,” said police. “Until the balloon boy reached the height and weight of an average and a height and weight of 6-year-old boy.”

Police say engraved in the wood just above the last height measurement taken, the day hoax was perpetrated, was a crude drawing of a “flying saucer” and the words written above it: “Time for the Money Shot!”

Fortunately for the balloon boy, his father was not much of an engineer.

“No way that thing was built for a 6-year-old boy,” said police. “A 6-month-old, sure. No problem.”

Police are currently searching for any additional Heene family birth certificates in the hall of record from adjacent counties and states.

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tracy Morgan’s Tell-All Book: Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!

New York, New York --

“I’m not the least bit gun shy when it comes to unloading all the dirty laundry of my fellow former SNL cast members,”’ said Tracy Morgan on his recent promotional tour for his book '‘I Am the New Black'’ about his rise from the mean streets of New York City to an Emmy Award nominated actor in Hollywood for his performance on "30 Rock’'. In which some argue he pretty much continues to play himself.

“Why the hell not? They’d do it to me in a New York second, too,” continued Morgan. “Pop a cap in my ass, if I wasn’t looking. I know they would. I just happened to be the one to do it first, which makes me look like the bad guy? But I’m not too worried about that.”

Turning his head from side-to-side, checking to see if no else is looking, Tracy Morgan makes a gun gesture, using his index finger and thumb, adding with a wink, “Tracy Morgan takes care of Tracy Morgan. You know what I mean?”

Insisting that his story is more than a story of rags to riches, Tracy Morgan says, “My story is a story about going from hags to bitches.”

In his new tell-all book, which comes with a special introduction by Maya Angelou in which she dedicates a new poem to him entitled: ‘I Fall’; Tracy Morgan begins his sortie claiming Tina Fey of all things has a chronic foot odor problem.

“Tina Fey’s feet smell like feet!” said Tracy Morgan. “And all the time, too.”

Tracy Morgan writes that during SNL read-throughs, Tina Fey would often kickoff her stiletto heels. Only for him to threaten Lorne Michaels that he would walkout, if he did not get her to put her shoes back on.

“Don’t get me wrong I love women’s feet. And believe me Tina has some fine looking feet. But you got to sneak up on them, holding your nose just to get a peek,” writes Morgan, dedicating an entire chapter to the subject. “Women’s feet shouldn’t smell like feet. Only men’s feet should smell like feet.”

Morgan goes on to profess his love for Tina Fey as well, especially for writing him a permanent role on ‘30 Rock’ as the other adorable self-centered insensitive stereotypical male chauvinist pig, opposite Alec Baldwin’s character.

“I love you Tina,” continues Morgan. “You know you’re my girl. And I got your back, but you got to get your smelly feet some medical attention. Go to the ER, girl. Or go see a Catholic priest or something. Maybe even get them amputated.”

Later, Tracy Morgan prided himself on curing Tina Fey’s alleged foot odor problem on the set of ’30 Rock’ at least temporarily, claiming the condition is a lot like the hiccups.

“So one night, when the crew all went home,” confessed Morgan. “And Tina Fey was alone working late, I went down stairs to the underground parking lot and waited for her there.”

Wearing a black ski mask and carrying a rubber knife he barrowed from the prop department, Tracy Morgan hid behind Tina Fey’s car, waiting for her to come down stairs. And when she did, he jumped up behind her, causing her to faint.

“Now Tina doesn’t have smelly feet no more,” said Tracy Morgan. “Although she does have to go to the bathroom every time she sees me. Oh, and sometimes she cries, too. But I can live with that.”

Tracy Morgan’s tell-all book is not just about the shortcomings of his fellow 'Not Ready for Primetime Players', however. He takes a few chapters to remove the rafter from his own eye as well.

While on SNL, Morgan enjoyed dressing up like Maya Angelou.

“It felt good to walk in the high heel shoes of a powerful Black woman,” Morgan said. “It empowered me as a Black man, though I didn’t like it when Lorne hit on me while I was in character. I would have punched him or said something at the time, but I didn’t want to lose my job.”

After that, Tracy Morgan was always made to feel as if he was invisible by some of his fellow SNL cast members.

“I don’t know how they found out I had superpowers of invisibility,” said Tracy Morgan. “But they did.”

Tracy Morgan says that he did not mind his fellow SNL cast members knowing that he had the power of invisibility, only that they used it against him.

“They’d ignore me even when I wasn’t invisible,” said Morgan. “And that hurt me in the heart sometimes. But most of the time, it just pissed me off, making me [BLEEP] mad.”

Tracy Morgan’s book would be incomplete if he did not have a few words to say about his mentor, Lorne Michaels.

“Lorne Michaels is cool,” said Morgan. “For a Canadian. Believe it or not, he smells like bacon and [BLEEP]. I love [BLEEP], so he’s okay.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL Catches Hell for Its Obama 'Nothing' Skit

New York, New York --

Looking, sounding and acting conspicuously much less convincing than any of his first impersonations of then presidential candidate Barack Obama last season, a brave Fred Armisen nevertheless went on Saturday Night Live (SNL) delivering a political skit that perhaps he sensed have become much expected of the 'Not Ready for Prime Time Players' lately. Lending to the show through their talented performances, whether earned of not, its reputation of being the country's cracker barrel form which it draws its political insights and perhaps even strength, not through acts of violent protest, but rather through peaceful more effective laughter in the face of an age of rendition.

Only this time around unlike SNL's Barack Obama skits from last season, which portrayed him through exaggeration, as a Superman that could change the world for the good. It now dared portrayed him without his super suit and cape. The 'Man of Steel' unmasked, naked and exposed for his mortal shortcomings, a shill of his superhero self. Just like anyone of the rest of us.

"It's unfair for SNL to portray Obama like that," echoed the sentiment of liberal talk radio show hosts that took to the airwaves with their discontent, equally between Fred Armisen version of Obama and the SNL satirical comedy sketch critiquing the president's performance in office so far. "He has only had nine months in office. Besides Fred Armisen didn't even look or sound like Obama. Where's Tina Fey anyways? Can't Lorne Michaels bring her back to do Sarah Palin again?"

"I can personally assure you, SNL has only one political objective: comedy," said a spokesman for Lorne Michaels, the show's creator and executive producer. Lorne Michaels himself stood right next to the spokesman at the podium, whispering in his ear what too say at the news conference.

"Now, we all had a good laugh at the last administration and the Republican Party," said the spokesman, having to pause from time to time to allow Lorne Michaels to lean over and continue to whisper into his ear. "But one would think that after nine months the new administration would...own it. Besides, have you seen the tax bracket... I'll fall into if he lets the tax cuts on the rich expire? It's...ludicrous. I can't take that out of my writers'... salaries. All of them are months behind in their... dressing room rent as it is now, or drawing on payday advances, so they don't have to go to the NBC commissary...dumpster to get a hot meal."

Lorne Michaels went on to say, through his spokesman, that SNL would continue to poke fun of any administration that threatens the national integrity of his beloved country, Canada, or his tax bracket in the United States of America.

"SNL exposed him [Obama] as the politician that he has become, or that he was all along. That's all," said a disillusioned Obama supporter. "But then again, he is better than what we had before. But for how long?"

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

NASA Lunar Probes Fail to Find Andy Kaufman A.K.A. 'Man on the Moon'

Houston, Texas - -

Ever since he failed to show up 10 years after his reported death and burial, top NASA officials secretly set out to find the late 1970s and early 1980s performance artist sensation, Andy Kaufman on their own. And in the only possible hiding place he could be: the southern polar region of the moon. So in the predawn hours today, NASA crashed two minivansized probes into the lunar surface to find out. Each specially equipped.

"One of the minivan sized probes contained all vegetarian frozen meals, the latest Yoga DVDs and back issues of 'Varity," said a spokesman for NASA. "The other was filled to capacity with Hollywood agents looking to sign up Andy Kaufman for a 'Taxi' show reunion special, staring that adorable Foreign Man character, 'Latka."

"It's the only place he could be," said James Robinson, a devoted fan of Andy Kaufman and NASA project director in charge of aiming the probes at the moon, assuring their impact on the surface without entailing the destruction of all probe contents and lives onboard. "It's the only place that has hydrogen (water and oxygen) to support life."

Although preliminary telemetry analysis so far has not surfaced either Andy Kaufman or the lovable 'Latka Gravas', NASA scientists remain optimistic. Reporting that just moments before either of the probes impacted they picked up what some are regarding not only as proof of the presence of water, but signs of life.

"A second before the probes impacted," said Robinson. "We picked up three distinct audio signals originating from the surface of the moon."

Sound analysis has confirmed one was the theme song from "Mighty Mouse" "Here I come to save the day!" and the other a simple, "Tank you veddy much!"

NASA officials are still attempting to ascertain the identity of third audio signal and have only been able to decipher the lyrics, which it has released to the public for its assistance. Just follow the bouncing ball: "If you believe, they put a man on the moon. Man on the moon -- "

"What a pile of crap! Follow the bouncing ball my ass," said Tony Clifton, retired lounge signer and business associate of Kaufman in a long distance phone call from South Beach, Florida.

"Wait a doggone minute. What did you say you little prick? I'm not retired. I'm just waiting for Andy to come back from the grave, like he told me to do...See, I even brought a space shuttle to pick him up. Get it? Pick him up? Ah, you're all a bunch of pricks."

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo