Prince William Fined £10 for Kissing Kate Twice, Excessive Public Display of Affection?

London, England --

Right after Duke (formally known as Prince) William and Duchess Kate of Cambridge left the balcony at Buckingham Palace, a Bobby issued him a ticket for excessive public display of affection.

"What’s this for?" asked Duke William as he was handed the ticket.

"It’s a fine, my lord," replied the Bobby as he politely tipped his hat to the Duchess, Kate.

"Right," said Duke William. "But what’s it for?"

"Excessive public display of affection, sir," said the Bobby, as William’s fellow airforce comrades surrounded him.

"What excessive public display of affection?" asked the Duke, beginning to lose his patience.

"Just now," said the Bobby. "Out there on the balcony. When you kissed you wife twice on the lips, sir."

William's military buddies tightened their circle around the Bobby.

"Listen here," said William as he nodded to his friends. "Why don’t we discuss this in private, eh?"

"Well, that’s really not necessary, sir," nervously said the Bobby as he was dragged off by William’s buddies.

"Put him in the drawing room!" shouted Duke William. "I’ll be there momentarily. I’ll be damned if I let anyone get away with fining me for kissing my wife twice."

"What’s going on, Dukey?" asked a concerned Kate.

William then turned to his beautiful bride and kissed her again, right to the lips.

"Nothing, my love," said William as he ran off to the drawing room, removing his blue sash and red jacket along the way. "Duty calls!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Obama to Trump: "You’re Fired! Not Me!"

Washington, D.C. --

Despite not mentioning Donald Trump by name during the press conference, which he broached the subject of his long form birth certificate by finally releasing it, President Obama inadvertently let be known his true feelings regarding the real estate mogul turned Reality TV show host. When he was overheard speaking to himself beneath his breath, while making a fist pump gesture: "You’re fired!Not me!"

"Apparently an open microphone picked up the president’s voice as he was walking away from the podium," said a White House spokesman. "However, that doesn’t necessarily prove those remarks were directed to Mr. Trump."

The White House spokesman then offered up a number of plausible scenarios in which the president’s comments could be alternatively interpreted.

"For instance," continued the spokesman for the White House. "He could have been addressing his ‘You’re fired! Not me!’ comment to any number of his economic advisors, his Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, or that guy [Rahm Emmanul] who told him it was a good idea to accept the Nobel Peace Prize."

The White House spokesman then provided the press pool a list of international names, which the president could have been addressing instead of Donald Trump.

"President Obama could have been directing his comments at Col. Qaddafi of Libya, President Bashar al-Assad of Syria," concluded the White House spokesman. "Or even, Queen Elisabeth of England for losing the first family’s invitation to the wedding of the century."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Releases Birth Certificate to Distract Nation from Woes

Washington, D.C. --

Taking to the podium, using it as a bully pulpit, President Obama not only announced the release of his long form version of his birth certificate today, he seized upon the opportunity to hypocritically chastise the media for picking up the story of his questionable citizenship and running with it। Rather than focusing on the complex issues the nation faces.

"Why now?" rhetorically asked a Birther who declined to be identified. "He had all this time to release it and he chooses today?"

Critics suspect the president deliberately withheld his long form birth certificate from the public, saving it up for a rainy day.

"It’s obvious Obama timed the release of his birth certificate to coincide with a strategic political move on his part. Intended to distract the nation from its real problems," said Albert Armstrong, a political pundit.

Armstrong calls on Congress to investigate the matter.

"If it is found that the president did withhold his birth certificate and choose to release it just now to distract the nation," said Armstrong. "He should be impeached."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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South Wins Civil War Re-enactment; After First to Use Atomic Cannon Ball

Washington, D.C. --

Civil War re-enactment actors line the street and stare in disbelief as President Abraham Lincoln is hauled off to the gallows in handcuffs. "Hey, fellas," says the actor portraying President Lincoln, as he passes by in the back of an open-air horse driven carriage. "What’s, um, going on?"

After a brief trial by military tribunal conducted by the Confederate Army of the South with General Robert E. Lee and Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company, President Lincoln is found guilty of failing to adhere to the Articles of Confederacy, violating states’ rights.

"You had your chance to stop the State of New England from letting the black man vote," yelled out one Rebel.

"Or the State of New York from prohibiting us from transporting our slaves across their state line," yelled out another.

"Yeah, but don’t you see," replied the re-enactment actor, while still in character as President Lincoln. "That would have meant that I had to violate their state rights to uphold yours."

Slowly the carriage comes to a stop as it reaches the gallows, constructed in the parking lot of a ‘Piggly Wiggly’ store.

There President Abraham Lincoln’s handcuffs are removed as he is allowed to hug his re-enactment wife.

Taking center place among the members of his cabinet on the gallows, President Lincoln is allowed to step forward and say his final peace before he is hung for high treason…

--

"We got so tired of getting all dressed up just to lose year after year," explains William Garry, whose great, great grandfather fought in the Civil War as a Confederate, reflecting on the unanticipated come of this year’s re-enactment of the Civil War on its 150th year anniversary.

So Garry and his fellow Confederate re-enactment soldiers decided to mix things up a bit by convincing their counterparts on the Union side that this time they would be investing more of their resources in super cannon ball technology, rather than winning battles but lossing the war.

"I thought it was a good deal," said the re-enactment actor playing the role of Ulysses S. Grant. "To tell you the truth, when re-enacting a historical event like the Civil War, knowing the outcome in advance is a real buzz kill."

According to historians, the South with its limited access to resources should not have been able to invent an atomic cannon ball.

"The discovery of the splitting of the atom aside. Not having taken place until three score or more after the Civil War," said a historian. "There is no way the South could have built the thing. They just did not have the resources."

"Actually, in our little scenario, the Union was in a race to develop an atomic cannon ball too," said "Ulysses S. Grant". "They just stole it from us while we were attempting to use it on the battlefield."

Receiving top secret information from their intricate spy network in Washington, D.C., General Robert E. Lee got advance word of the atomic cannon ball invention and its deployment to the South.

"Sending in Lt. General Nathan Bedford Forrest and his critter company to intercept it," said Garry. "The rest is history."

--

Back on the gallows, as spectators gather, President Lincoln prepares to speak just before he is hung.

"Well, I guess as a wartime president, this is the risk I had to take to hold the Union together," said the re-enactment actor as he removed his stovetop hat. Taking a step back he placed the rope around his own neck as his last act of free will. "Executioner do your duty and dispatch me quickly to the undiscovered country. For it's from there, I will complete my unfinished earthly business here."

With that sendoff, the audience applauded and whistled.

Lincoln and all his cabinet then removed their ropes from their necks and bowed to the crowd.

President Lincoln and General Robert E. Lee then shook hands and warmly embrace.

"Same time next year, Mr. Lee?" asked "President Lincoln".

"You got it, Mr. Lincoln," replied "Gen. Robert E. Lee".

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Police Who Pepper Sprayed 8-Year-Old Boy Release Incident Report

When Teacher's Pet Goes Wild

Aurora, Colorado --

"My partner and I entered the elementary classroom cautiously stepping over a debris field of overturned desk chairs discarded stuffed toys, board games, children’s books, empty juice boxes and a giant outline of the Devil’s pentagram. Drawn with a crimson red crayon and a black Sharpie marker." -- At least that is according to the opening statement of a police incident report released today that sparked a debate over an officer's use of a less then lethal force weapon, pepper spray to subdue an unruly eight-year-old school boy.

After opening a number of pantry doors, the policemen signal each other using hand gestures only as they focus their attention on the teacher’s desk.

"Just as my partner reaches out to touch it, brushing off what appeared to be ice crystals on the surface," continued the report, which omitted the names of the officers involved. "Suddenly the desk was overturned by the eight-year-old boy who was apparently concealing himself underneath it."

The policemen pause and glance over at each other.

Relying on their community outreach training, the policemen quickly gather up a stuffed toy ["Tickle Me Elmo" doll] and approach the boy.

"As we advance on the suspect, his head makes a 180 degree turn and chucks up pea soup on my partner. Temporarily blinding him," read the report.

The stuffed toy discarded again. Thrown to the ground, appears to be trembling not out of joy but fear.

At which point the policemen radioed dispatch, requesting backup.

"I made the called, asking for an old priest and a young priest," continued the report.

Then the officers attempted to exit the classroom. But they are repeatedly turned back by all the loose objects on the floor that begin rise up and fly about the room, as the chalkboard behind the eight-year-old boy spells out the number 666.

"That was when I reached for my field issued oleoresin capsicum gas [pepper spray] canister and amply applied its contents to the upper torso of the suspect. Moments later making the arrest," concluded the report.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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‘Dancing With The Stars’ Maks’ Politically Incorrect Trick Knee Gives Out…And Gives In To a GMA Exclusive

Maks' Politically
Incorrect Knee
Speaks Out
Hollywood, California --

"I apologize," said Maks, Kirstie Alley’s partner on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ as he appeared on ‘Good Morning America’ (GMA) attempting to explain what happened during last night's performance in which his knee gave out while trying to carry a portion of Alley’s Rubenesque [big beautiful woman] body across the stage. "It was all my fault. It was my knee. It gave out for no apparent reason. Totally unrelated to Kirstie’s weight. Totally, unrelated."

As the camera paned down for a close up of Maks’ bandaged knee, a muffled voice came from under the first aid wrappings.

"What was that?" asked George Stephanopoulos the GMA reporter conducting the interview live during a national broadcast.

"What was what?" replied a visibly shaken Maks, while placing his hands over his wounded knee.

"That voice," continued George. "Is it…is it coming from your knee?"

"Yes! Yes!" said the knee. "It is me, Maks’ knee, speaking. Listen. I have something to say about last night. Interview me! Interview me!"

"Well, America," said a smiling George Stephanopoulos with tongue-n-cheek as he addressed the camera directly. "I guess we might as well get the story straight from the horse’s mouth."

"May I interview your knee?" George Stephanopoulos asked Maks.

A somewhat reluctant Maks agreed, slowly unwrapping his knee.

"I guess," Maks sighed. "But I warn you. His views are very politically incorrect, which I do not share."

"Don’t worry," George Stephanopoulos reassuringly said to Maks. "America won’t hold you responsible."

"Oh boy, that feels much better," said an unwrapped Maks’ knee as he motioned for a cigarette.

Maks complied and placed a lit cigarette on the end of the lips of his knee.

After taking a few drags and blowing out the smoke, the knee resumed with the interview.

"I’ll tell you what happened last night, George," said the knee as Maks shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Backstage before the show, I begged Maks not to go through with the dance routine because I knew there was no way I could take Kirstie Alley’s weight on me. She weakened me all through rehearsals."

The talking knee paused again, motioning for his cigarette.

"Let me get this straight," asked a defensive George Stephanopoulos using a surprised voice inflection to convey his personal dissatisfaction to the studio and viewing audience, making certain to distance himself from the knee’s controversial statements. "Are you saying that Kirstie Alley’s weight had something to do with last night’s incident?"

Blowing out smoke again, the knee continued with the interview.

"Yes!" said the unrepentant knee. "You saw the video. When I was carrying Kirstie Alley across the ballroom floor, I trembled, buckled and then gave out. Right there on national TV."

"But surely you’re not blaming Kirstie Alley’s weight, are you?" asked George Stephanopoulos not so much giving the knee an opportunity to recant by basically repeating the question expecting a different answer or clarification as much as giving himself the appearance of impartiality.

"What’s wrong with you, George?’ replied the knee in between drags. "Are you deaf as well as short? Or should I say Height Impaired? Or is it Height Challenged?"

George Stephanopoulos attempted to interrupt the knee, but it went on and on.

"There should be a weight limit. Or at least a weight classification," continued the knee. "Like they have in boxing. They wouldn’t have matched a lightweight like me with a heavyweight like her. You know what I mean?"

Suddenly, Maks wraps the first aid bandage around his knee again.

Somewhat inaudible muffled racial epitaphs could barely be made out as Maks rolled down his trousers over his knee and limped away.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W, Armijo. All rights reserved.

Charlie Sheen Retools 'Torpedo of Truth Tour' with Canned Laughter

Charlie’s Goddesses
"Buzy" “Retooling”?

New York, New York --

After being booed in Detroit last Saturday night, Charlie Sheen came prepared to his Chicago and New York gigs. This time bringing a little Hollywood magic to the stage: canned laughter.

"Not only that," said a stagehand on the tour. "Charlie hired one of the sound engineers from his show ‘Two and a Half Men’ to make some special modifications to it."

The device known in the TV industry as canned laughter (a simple recording of people laughing) has become an industry standard, queuing viewing audiences watching at home when to laugh. However, that was not enough for Charlie Sheen.

"He ordered the sound engineer to rig the canned laughter machine not only to drown out boos and catcalls," said the stagehand. "But to convert them into laughter."

"I just don’t get it," said Todd Johnson, 37. "All my friends and me were booing the whole time."

And the more Todd and his friends booed, the louder the laughter came from the crowd.

Finally, Todd and his friends gave up and waited out the show. Too afraid their walkout would anger the audience.

"Judging from the audience’s reaction last night," said Charlie Sheen in his typical arrogant manner at a press conference after the show in Chicago. "I’d say last night’s performance was f---king WINNING!!! Wouldn’t you? Loser! What? You’re not laughing? Wait, I can fix that. Hey, you in the back! Queue the God [BLEEP] machine, would you!"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Pomona Raceway Now Open to Extreme Skateboarders

Pomona, California --

Extreme skateboarders who like to hitch a ride behind a moving car on the street can now legally do so -- behind a drag racer!!!

"It was a compromise," said a Pomona City official who voted to open the Pomona Raceway where NHRA "funny" cars and dragsters race to extreme skateboarders as well. "We had to do something to curtail their thirst for a thrill. It was the only thing we could think of that would take them off our streets."

However, few extreme skateboarders have taken up the offer after suffering initial injuries on the dragstrip.

"I don’t care how much safety equipment you wear," said Hector Esparto, an emergency medical technician (EMT) and ambulance driver who waits at the raceway on standby ready to respond to an accident at moment's notice. "There's nothing that’s going to keep your arm in your socket once that light turns green and you're holding on to the airfoil of a V3 dragster."

As one of the first responders, who medically attended to the first few extreme skateboarders that took up the raceway’s offer -- some say challenge -- to hitch a ride behind a dragster, Hector says he thinks the whole thing is a bad idea.

"Several times I had to flag down the dragster with my patients in tow," said Hector as he drove behind the dragsters time after time, chasing them to retrieve the arms of the skateboarders still attached to them.

"Damn!" said Kirk Johnson, 17, an extreme skateboarder who was lucky enough to have his arm recovered by Hector and then later reattached at a hospital.

Kirk was the third extreme skateboarder to take up a position behind a dragster last week.

"I thought I was in for the ride of my life," continued Kirk from his hospital bed. Still recovering from his injury. "But all I saw was smoke."

And when the smoke cleared, Kirk found himself standing all-alone on the quarter-mile long racetrack, while the dragster was nowhere in sight.

"I thought, ‘Dude, where the dragster go?" said Kirk.

Kirk in a state of shock did not realize his arm was missing, taken away by the speeding dragster, until he flipped his board up in the air with his foot several times and could not catch it.

"I thought, ‘WTF?" said Kirk as he looked to his side and saw his arm was gone.

As the doctor and nurse began to unwrap the bandages on Kirk’s arm for the first time since the surgery to reattach it, his parents and fellow extreme skateboarders gather around his hospital bed, eagerly awaiting the results.

One-by-one Kirk moves his fingers as the doctor performs a reflex test, checking for any permanent nerve damage.

Soon Kirk raises up his arm for all to see as in a sign of victory when suddenly a fellow extreme skateboarder points something out on Kirk’s reattached arm.

"Hey, Dude," says Kirk's friend. "When did you get that bitch'n tattoo?"

"What tattoo?" says Kirk as he turns his arm to take a look as everybody in the room moves in to take a closer look as well. "WTF?"

Just then, Hector, the EMT walks into the hospital room.

"Hey, Dude. I see you got your arm reattached and everything," says Hector as everybody turns and stares at him. "Um, listen. Can I have a word with you…alone?"

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.