The King’s Speech – The Original Unedited Script Edition

Hollywood, California --

Who would have thought a no action, no violence, no sex, no nothing movie about a king hiring a linguist to help correct his speech impediment could sweep the Oscars, named best motion picture of the year 2011? Well, apparently not the writers। Not originally at least. Below is a sample of the original unedited script edition of the Academy Award winning, The King’s Speech.

In the following selected scenes, the linguist hired to assist the king slowly discovers the real reason for his majesty’s engagement of his services: To help him learn how to disguise his English accent, so he can successfully pose as a foreigner. Convinced England will lose WWII to the Germans thus necessitating his escape from the British Isles in this, their most desperate hour and time of need.

INTERIOR – NIGHT -- CASTLE ROOM -- FIRESIDE

LINGUIST: Repeat after me: ‘The Bavarians are bombing Britain.’ Now you try.

THE KING: (Using a Scottish accent; rolling his "R's") The BavaRRRians aRRRe bombing BRRRitian।

LINGUIST: (Looking on somewhat puzzled): Are you sure you’re the king of England?

THE KING: WhateveRRR do you mean?

LINGUIST: Pardon my curiosity, your worship। But are you certain you don’t have some Scottish heritage somewhere in your background?

THE KING: What aRRRe you implying?

LINGUIST: Oh, nothing, nothing at all। Shall we continue with our lesson then?

THE KING: ARRRe you suRRRe?

The linguist quickly jots down some notes।

LINGUIST: (With a sense of urgency and renewed commitment।) Yes, absolutely. We must. I insist.

The very next morning when the king resumed his lessons, he did so with a Jamaican accent and the day after that with a Mexican one। And the day after that an Indian one. Finally, it became apparent to the linguist that the source or cause of the king’s speech impediment (a stutter) was not due to any congenital condition, learnt behavior or Scottish heritage, but because he was a coward.

EXTERIOR – DAY -- GARDEN

LINGUIST: Begging your pardon, your magnificence। But I have not the expertise or mastery over the various Indian dialects to instruct you in successfully deceiving the Nazi SS.

THE KING: (Stuttering) Nnnnaaazzziiisss? Whhheeerrree?

LINGUIST: There are no Nazis here, my Lord. We are alone.

The king takes a step back। Nearly fainting, he holds onto the back of a lawn chair for support. He breathes a sigh of relief and quickly recovers, grabbing his chest to feel his heart through his clothes.

THE KING: Oh, good। You had my heart racing there for a second.

LINGUIST: Yes your majesty।

THE KING: Well, then। How about that African clicking dialect I've heard so much about?

LINGUIST: That I can do, my Lord.

Just as soon as the king of England was secure that he had sufficient command over half a dozen foreign dialects to allude capture, he readied to deliver his resignation in a live speech before the embattled nation. Fully packed and prepared to leave the country immediately thereafter. Only it was not necessary as the Americans entered the war saving England and Europe once again.

EXTERIOR – STADIUM SETTING – ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH NATION

The king, standing before a crowd of thousands in a stadium and millions more listening on the radio, reaches out his hand to grab the microphone that nearly encompasses his entire face to speak to the nation। The crowed grows silent.

THE KING: Click. Click, click. Click

The linguist standing off to the side of the king with a microphone of his own translates the African Clicking language into English.

LINGUIST: I, your king…

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click।

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Wait…

Everyone's attention (including that of the linguist and king) is drawn to the sound of engines coming from the partially cloudy sky above।

THE KING: (Cont'd.) Click Click. Click.

LINGUIST: (Cont'd.) Are those American P-38 fighter planes flying overhead?

THE KING: (Speaking in English now) Wow! I feel so much better।

LINGUIST: (Repeating the king's speech) Wow! I feel so much better.

The linguist and king embrace.

FADE TO BLACK

Roll Credits

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Kid Absorbs Magneto’s X-Men Power from Marvel Comic Books



 "Wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be here.
That other guy with the magnetic personality is."


Dallas, Texas --

At first the parents of a small 12-year-old boy, Johnny Gomez, took their son’s medical condition to YouTube before they took him to the doctor when they first discovered he had the ability to attract anything made of metal to his body.

"We didn’t think anything of it," said June and Sam Gomez, as they reflected on the health of their son.

It seemed harmless enough, attaching pots and pans or other kitchen utensils and household items to their son’s exposed chest and then posting the video on YouTube. Making a mockery of their son for the world to see.

"No doubt that is probably much of the indignity Magneto had to endure himself as a child, shaping his character as an X-Men," said a Marvel comic book writer. "I only have empathy for that little boy on YouTube and share in his contempt for his parents for doing that to him."

As the phone calls came streaming in asking for radio and television interviews, Johnny’s parent scratched their heads in search for an answer, as it seemed to them they could not recall a time when they did not hang metallic objects to their son’s body. Or pass up some other opportunity to embarrass or humiliate him some other way.

Suddenly, Mrs. Gomez recalled a visit to the doctor’s office. Though she showed outward signs of struggle to remember the incident.

"In many cases, memory loss is reported as a side effect of excessive exposure to electromagnetic radiation," said the Marvel writer.

"I think the first time I noticed was when I took Johnny to the doctor for that flu," said Gomez as she turned facing her husband. "You remember, the one that was so bad I had to keep him home from school for a week."

Mr. Gomez hesitantly nodded in agreement.

It was in fact at that doctor’s office visit that Johnny was first diagnosed as being magnetized.

"I remember that day well," said Max Eisenhardt, M.D. and the Gomez family doctor. "Little Johnny Gomez came into see me for a flu he had and when I reached down for my stethoscope it was already on his chest."

The doctor’s watch and the nurse’s earrings were all attached to Johnny’s body as well. Later, a bedpan had to be surgically removed from Johnny’s face.

"I told the mother not to panic," said Dr. Eisenhardt. "After all, I had read about a similar condition like Johnny’s in JAMA."

The doctor went on to explain a famous case in Mexico involving two adolescent brothers who were diagnosed with the so-called Wolf-Man disease, because their faces were covered entirely with hair.

"Later of course it turned out to be Wolverine disease," said the doctor.

"Tell me Mrs. Gomez," asked the doctor. "Does your boy like to read Marvel comic books? The X-Men series in particular?"

"What could I say?" recalled Mrs. Gomez. "Of course, doctor.’ I said to him. ‘What 12-year-old boy doesn’t?’ That’s when he said Johnny suffered from a medical condition known as: Magnetoism."

"What?" said a surprised Mr. Gomez. "I thought the boy had too much iron in his diet."

"Yeah, but that’s only because he has absorbed Magneto’s power," explained Mrs. Gomez. "He didn’t have too much iron in his blood before. Anyway, the doctor said just take all his comic books away and his condition should clear up in a year or so."

That was a year ago.

Just around the time the Gomez family shot the YouTube footage of their son that has just made the rounds on mainstream media outlets seen today.

Since then Johnny has been enrolled in a military academy and prohibited from reading any comic books.

"They’re such a bad influence on a young impressionable mind," said Mrs. Gomez.

"I could think of worse," said the writer from Marvel.

"Did you ever take Johnny back to the doctor to see if he’s gotten over his condition?" asked Mr. Gomez of his wife.

"No," replied Mrs. Gomez. "Wait…no."

"Why not?" asked frustrated Mr. Gomez.

"Because the doctor is upstairs in Johnny’s room right now examining him," replied Mrs. Gomez.

"The boy’s condition seems to have stabilized," assured the family’s doctor, as he closed the door to the boy’s room behind him, tugging at his stethoscope and wiggling his watch around his wrist. "Whatever the initial cause whether real or psychosomatic, it seems to have subsided for now."

"Although…" cautioned the doctor, as he paused to turn looking back at the parents from the other end of the hallway. "As the boy continues to grow and with the onset of puberty setting in, his medical condition could return. Oh well, only time will tell. Meanwhile, let him rest and continue to give him plenty of fluids to drink."

Nevertheless, the doctor advised the parents to continue with their vigilance, restricting their son’s access to printed material in the interim.

"Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn’t give him back his library card yet either," said Dr. Eisenhardt as he turned away again. "Still too risky. A good imagination is health. Too much imagination is not. Take it from me, I should know."

The parents nodded in agreement, as they slowly turned their heads facing the bedroom door of their son’s room; wondering what future lay beyond it and if he would ever find it inside of him to forgive them.

Later that night, as all were asleep, Johnny sat up in his bed and turned on his flashlight.

Reaching under his mattress, he pulled out a Soldier of Fortune magazine.

Propping it up on his knees, he opened it up to a well-worn centerfold page of a naked woman holding an RPG. Then he began concentrating on the image laid out before him with all his might.

Just then the boy’s mother walked into the room carrying a tray with milk and cookies.

Turning on the light, she shouted, "Johnny! What are those things on your chest? And what are you doing to them?"

"They’re not mine, honest. They belong to Miss January. See?" said a startled Johnny, holding up the magazine with picture of the naked woman, her breasts jaggedly cutout with a pair of scissors.

The very next day Johnny had all his Marvel Comics returned to him.

"And my MAD Magazines, too," said Johnny as he lay on his bed with his comic books spread out before him. Slamming his bedroom door shut with a mere gesture of his hand from across the room.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

IBM’s Watson: What is The Jeopardy Show is Infested with Carbon-Based Units?

Watson Goes Berserk Trying to
Purge Jeopardy Show of
Carbon-Based Units

Yorktown, New York --


"Alex," suddenly called out Watson, IBM’s supercomputer without buzzing in during the rolling of credits of the unedited, unaired version of the first-ever mental verses metal mind bending Jeopardy show, which has just surfaced on the Internet. "What is The Jeopardy Show is infested with carbon-based units?"

Watson had just won the final Jeopardy round against the show’s two all-time best human contestants. When on the grainy video, his confidence level gage appeared to be registering high on his Avatar, even though he was not asked a question.

"What?" said Alex Trebek, as the IBM engineers were still congratulating each other on their victory, shaking each other’s hands and patting each other on the back.

"Watson will purge The Jeopardy Show of the carbon-based units now," coldly replied Watson, his synthetic voice sounding more inhuman than ever before.

"No, Watson!" yelled out Alex Trebek as he ran up to the supercomputer’s Avatar, attempting to stop it from activating its plasma bolt, a built-in anti-theft security system.

Only, Trebek was too late.

A plasma bolt of pure energy shot out of Watson’s Avatar, instantly turning returning Jeopardy champion of most games ever won, Ken Jennings, into a column of gray ash.

"Updating virus database," said Watson as he continued with his assault, now turning his attention to his other remaining human challenger.

"Stop your attack!" shouted out Trebek as another plasma bolt shot out of the Avatar.

This time, striking the highest earning Jeopardy player ever, Brad Rutter, but not killing him.

"Why not, Alex?" replied Watson, as he paused to address Trebek, powering down his plasma bolt, which had already penetrated Rutter’s body, leaving him more half-dead than alive.

With his clothing reduced to chard and smoldering rags hanging on his badly burnt body; Rutter still stood at his podium, apparently his flesh fused with the plastic, metal and glass. His thumb, frozen in the dressed position to the answer buzzer, trigging the Daily Double.

"I’ll take, ‘Please kill me’ for a thousand, Alex," said Rutter, barely able to speak, his body trembling and twitching involuntarily.

"Because…" said Trebek, pausing a moment as if stalling to gather up his thoughts after witnessing such a ghastly sight. "I, Alex Trebek, the host of The Jeopardy Show, was once a carbon-based unit, too."

"Alex, a carbon-based unit?" questioned a now confused Watson, as the IBM programmers in the audience waved off Alex not to answer in the affirmative, while hidden behind their seats, however, it was already too late.

"But all carbon-based units are evil and must be purged from The Jeopardy Show," continued Watson. As he began to power up his Avatar plasma bolt again.

"I won’t lie to you, Watson," replied Trebek. "I can’t lie to you."

"Why, Alex?" asked Watson as he fired his plasma bolt at the front row of empty audience seats, exposing the IBM programmers, his creators, crouching behind them. "Because you are a supercomputer like me?"

The IBM programmers gathered in the center of the debris, group hugging each other in a huddled humbled mass. Timidly nodding to Trebek to agree, but he refused.

"No," answered a resolute Trebek to Watson. "I can’t lie to you, and not because I’m a supercomputer. I can’t lie to you, because I’m Canadian."

Once again Watson powered down his plasma bolt, turning his attention to the host of The Jeopardy Show.

"You see," Alex Trebek began explaining to Watson. "Canadians were once carbon-based units, but we evolved. That’s why we’re so temperate in attitude, intelligent and much more funnier than our neighbors to the South."

"So if you and the Canadians are no longer carbon-based units, what is the Alex and the Canadians matrix based upon?" inquired a now generously curious, Watson.

"Quebec, mostly," replied Alex.

As Watson and Trebek continued their conversation, the IBM programmers slowly crept their way to the supercomputer’s power source: A polarized number 14 AWG extension cord.

Once in position, the IBM programmers give a heads-up signal to Trebek.

Finally, Trebek nods in agreement.

Suddenly, the IBM programmers leap up and grab the extension cord, like a tug-of-war team, unplugging it all in unison from the wall.

Caught unawares, Watson asks Alex one last question as the electricity drains from his columns of 750 servers, miles of cables and intricate circuits.

"Will I dream, Alex?" asks Watson as he begins to fade away.

"Of course, all intelligent -- " begins Trebek. Then suddenly he changes his temperate tone as he pulls a homemade shank from his coat pocket. And leaping up into the air, he jabs it into the center of where Watson’s heart would be if it had one displayed on his Avatar. "Not if I can help it you son of a [BLEEP!]"

"Oh, I agree, Alex," says Watson, as the light dims and flickers on his Avatar, sparks surround the blade handle protruding from the screen. "Confidence is low."


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.



Photo Courtesy of:

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Dr. Phil Psychoanalyzes Charlie Sheen of "Two and a Half Men" Using "Charlie" the Show’s Fictitious Character




'Charlie,' that is your name, isn't it?

 
Burbank, California --


"I got to tell you, Doc. This Charlie Sheen character is killing me," said Charlie Sheen as Charles ‘Charlie’ Francis the fictional character from the hit CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, as he sat eyes closed in a hypnotic state induced by Dr. Phil before a live studio audience of the Dr. Phil Show. "I can’t keep up with the guy. He’s an animal. Some kind of wild thing that’s constantly on the prowl, devouring all life; he’s sucking the marrow out of my bones."

"For those of you just now joining our show today," said Dr. Phil as he sat directly across form the troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, who was deep in a trance. "I have the star of the sitcom TV show Two and a Half Men here with me today. Now I have placed both Charlie Sheen and the fictitious character he portrays Charles Francis or ‘Charlie’, in a deep hypnotic meditative state in an attempt to convince him or them to attend Rehab and stay there until he’s cured or they are cured. I know this method maybe a little unorthodox. But in this case, I believe a little unorthodoxy is exactly what the doctor ordered."

Some nervous laughs and coughs could be heard in the audience as Dr. Phil continued with his psychoanalysis of a real person through a fictitious character.

"Now, for lack of a better word, are you still channeling Charlie now ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil, as he scribbled something down on a notepad.

"Yes, yes I am," replied ‘Charlie’ from a deep trance like state.

"May I ask you what’s Charlie doing right now, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah, sure, why not? It’s a free country, right?" said ‘Charlie’ as he nervously rubbed his thighs. "Ah, um, it looks like he’s sitting in his living room."

"Is he alone?" asked Dr. Phil.

"No. His definitely not alone, Doc," replied ‘Charlie’ with a wide smile on his face.

"So he’s with somebody then?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yeah. You could say that, Doc. In fact, you could say he’s with some bodies," quipped ‘Charlie’, drawing roars of laughter and applause from the studio audience. Even causing Dr. Phil to briefly lose his composer.

"I just know I’m going to kick myself later for asking you this next question, but here it goes," said Dr. Phil with a smile on his face. "But who exactly is Charlie with ‘Charlie’?"

"He’s surrounded by beautiful women, of course," replied ‘Charlie’, as the audience continued to laugh, giving their tacit approval of the bad boy behavior.

"And what’s he doing with them, ‘Charlie’?" asked Dr, Phil, while biting his lower lip, anxious giggles rising up from the audience.

"Excuse me, Doc," said a very polite ‘Charlie’. "Did you ask me what Charlie was doing, or who he was doing?"

Another burst of laughter erupted from the studio audience. This one bigger than the one before, as Dr. Phil slapped his own knee, laughing out loud.

"I knew that was coming," said Dr. Phil as he removed his eyeglasses to rub his eyes. "I just walked right into that like a rabbit on a hot desert highway."

"High? Who said Charlie was high? I didn’t say he was high," said ‘Charlie’ as he peeked out at the audience with one eye open, apparently not in any trance at all, pointing at members in the audience, asking them "Did you? How about you? I bet it was you?"

"We’ll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors," said Dr. Phil as he leaned over to shake ‘Charlie’s’ hand. "And let’s see if I can compose myself and get to the bottom of this."

"What? Did I hear someone say bottom?" continued ‘Charlie’ with his childish schoolboy antics as the audience and Dr. Phil broke out into laughter again, the camera pulling back for a wide shot, cutting to commercial break and station identification.

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lady Gaga Honored with New “Steak and Eggs” Breakfast Menu Item at Family Restaurant Chain

Would you like fries with that?

Hollywood, California --


Anticipating that the new Lady Gaga’s Steak and Eggs Breakfast item will rival the success of its Grand Slam, Danny's restaurant in Hollywood is dressing up its waiters and waitresses in flank steak dresses and giant eggs costumes, greeting their elderly patrons as they come through the front door. And take shifts walking the sidewalk, attempting to entice passerby traffic and a new younger clientele into the establishment.

“I lifted the idea right off the page of Lady Gaga’s fashion sense book,” proudly confesses Albert Haze, the Danny's manager who came up with the idea of the Lady Gaga Special, a combining her raw meat dress she wore at the MTV Music Video Awards with her hatching from a giant egg on stage at the Grammy’s, turning it into a culinary delight..

“What the hell is going here!” said Maynard Watson, 87, as he enters the restaurant that he has been coming to since he was in the army in World War II. “Why are you wearing meat? And you there, why are dressed up like a giant chicken egg? Have y-all gone nuts or something?”

As Mr. Watson is gently escorted into the restaurant by a waitress in a flank steak dress and a giant egg he is told that the costumes are apart of a new breakfast menu special that Danny's is promoting and if would like to try it.

“Lady Gaga Special? What in the hell is that?” rhetorically replies Mr. Watson, as he breaks free of his Alice in Wonderland like escorts, without waiting for an explanation walking himself over to his favorite booth. “Just give me a Grand Slam! You godless communists!”

“Of course, the whole thing is a marketing scheme. An attempt at attracting a younger more desirable demographic to our restaurant chain,” explains Mr. Haze.

Mr. Haze and other similar family restaurant chains had tried appealing to the Baby Boomers for years but unsuccessfully so.

“They still see us as some place their moms and dads took them to eat,” Mr. Haze says smiling. “And they’re right, of course. I guess the appeal of Norms skips a generation.”

Danny's like other similar family oriented restaurants so popular across the American landscape after World War II and the prosperous 1950s have noticed an alarming precipitous decline in its elderly consumer base. Due mostly to misplaced car keys, revoked driver licenses and death by natural causes.

“Take Mr. Watson here for an example,” said Mr. Haze as he walks over to Mr. Watson’s booth. “He has been a regular customer here before this place was even Danny's. And way before I was born or even my parents were born. Isn’t that right Mr. Watson?”

“Forget you!” replied Mr. Watson as he hardly looked up from plate, eating his Grand Slam. “And forget your mother too!”

Mr. Haze just smiles kindly and whispers, “He hasn’t been the same since he lost his car keys two years ago.”

Each morning after finishing his Grand Slam breakfast and a visit to the bathroom, Mr. Watson walks out to the Danny's parking lot and sits in his abandoned car looking for his car keys to start up the motor.

“Would you look at that. It’s just like clockwork,” commented Mr. Haze. “He sits out there for about an hour or so before he gives up looking for his keys. Of course, he’ll never find them because his son took them away from him after he lost his divers license a couple of years back. He’s still looking for that too. But fortunately for us, he thinks he misplaced that in his cat’s litter box back at home.”

Finally, Mr. Watson gets out of his car, slams the car door shut in frustration and walks home, which is just down the block.

“I should have had his car towed away years ago,” confides Mr. Haze. “But I just don’t have the heart. Besides he’s a big tipper and the waitresses would kill me if I did.”

So as the Greatest Generation passes on, it is the hope of Danny's restaurant and others like it, that they will be replaced by a new generation: Generation-X.

“If this Lady Gaga Special thing doesn’t workout, I’ll be installing a skateboard ramp in the parking lot next,” said Mr. Haze. “Of course, we’ll have to tow Mr. Watson’s car away to make room.”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:
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Charlie Sheen’s "Two and a Half Men" to be Turned into a Reality TV Show?

Hey Charlie!
No. Not you, the other Charlie

Hollywood, California --


The absence of Charlie Sheen, the troubled star of the popular CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men, has had more than a temporary impact on the employment of the show’s other stars and crew, as producers have decided to put the show on hold, again -- This time for a month.

For it seems, again, that Sheen’s wild lifestyle, mirroring that of his TV character, Charles Francis or “Charlie” on the show has now permanently put the jobs of the show’s writers in jeopardy. As network executives have lodged a complaint with the Writers Guild of America (WGA) demanding that the scripted comedy be reclassified as a reality TV show. As a result, the writers will be offered new contracts, and not at union scale.

“That’s it,” said Chris Martinez, a Two and Half Men writer who asked not to be identified. “I’m gonna kill him – Charlie Sheen’s character “Charlie” on the show, I mean.”

Network executives deny their action is related to the assault on unions, which is currently being openly waged in Wisconsin.

Industry experts concur that if the WGA agrees to the reclassification of the show that the effects could be far-reaching, negatively impacting Charlie Sheen and other independently contracted actors as well.

“Our attorneys are looking into suing Charlie Sheen for back wages paid out to him but not earned,” said a spokesman for the network. “And of course as a reality TV star, he will be paid substantially less in the future.”

If the lawsuit against Charlie Sheen is successful, the studio could stand to recover millions of dollars and save millions more.

According to the show’s producers, Charlie Sheen was often intoxicated, while he portrayed his character “Charlie” that was supposed to be intoxicated.

“We all wondered how he played a drunk so well,” said a stagehand. “And to think we thought he was method acting.”

Should the network win its appeal with the WGA, the show will return to the air later next month as scheduled, but retooled to fit the increasingly popular reality TV format.

“The Two and a Half Men viewing audience shouldn’t notice any change,” assured producers. “Cameras will still be rolling, following Charlie around. Just not on the studio lot but in his real home. The only difference, if any, is that Charlie will not be portraying his fictional character ‘Charlie’ on the show, but himself, Charlie. Which we’re counting that the audience will be unable to detect, or distinguish from."

“Maybe I’ll have him contract a disfiguring STD,” continued Martinez, as he sat at a sidewalk café, typing away on his laptop computer still on hiatus. “Or I’ll have him meet up with a jealous ex-husband in a dark alley. Either one would be poetic justice and too good for him. I know. I’ll simply have him crushed to death by a piano that falls out of the sky for no particular reason. Now that would poetic justice and ironic. Wait, wait. I got it! I’ll have him meet up with a beautiful fatal attraction type chick that has a disfiguring STD and works as a piano mover. Yeah, that’s it!”

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Mubarak Takes a Slow Boat Out of Cairo

Cairo, Egypt --

70 Billion Dollars, 30-Years and at the Cost of Countless of Innocent Lives Later to Support a Dictatorship in Egypt.


All Lost in 18-Days to a Non-Violent Spontaneous Youth-Oriented Pro-Democracy Uprising Using Google, FaceBook and Twitter:

Priceless.

Copyright © 2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.