Cell Phone Time-Traveler Mystery Solved by MIT: Dr. Who’s Cross Dressing/Drag Queen Secret Exposed!

"When you at?"

Hollywood, California --

The mystery of the lady in the black and white footage from the 1928 movie premiere of Charlie Chaplin’s The Circus, who appears to be talking on a cell phone that was posted on YouTube by George Clarke, has apparently been solved, at least to the satisfaction of a group of students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

A small enclave of undergraduate student at the university known worldwide for its accomplishments in the fields of science and technology subjected the grainy images to a battery of tests. Including an atomic spectrographic meter that measures the amount of radiation an item is giving off, even in a photograph or film.

“It’s much like the way we measure the amount of radiation from a distant star,” said James P. Macarthur, one of the MIT students closely involved in the testing, majoring in quantum mechanics with a minor in mythology.

Of course, James and his fellow students had to make some negligible adjustments to the device as they were analyzing a digital rather than an analogue image.

“But still, it yielded the expected results, which confirmed our collective hypothesis,” said James.

After careful scientific scrutiny, the students came to a starling conclusion:

“It’s undeniable,” announced James on YouTube. “The radioactive readings from the flux capacitor located in the cell phone’s micro processor chip were off the scale, generating a quantum wave signature consistent with a device that is able to traverse the continuum and anyone holding it close to their ear at the time.”

In laymen’s terms, the lady in the Charlie Chaplin footage from 1928 is (or was) a time traveler at the time the film was shot.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” added James. “The lady in the grainy black and white film that’s talking on a cell phone, she’s no lady. She’s a dude.”

James went on to claim that only three persons in the known universe that are capable of time travel.

“I don’t know about you, but my time traveler list is a short one,” said James. “And they are: Dr. Who, ‘Q’ from Star Trek -- The Next Generation, and theoretical physicist and mathematician, Professor Stephen Hawking. All dudes.”

James concludes that since all time travelers are male that the lady on the cell phone must be someone on his short list, dressed in drag.

“Now, I wouldn’t rule out Professor Stephen Hawking as the cross dressing time traveler just because he’s confined to a wheelchair,” said James. “After all, he is British, you know. And we all know how much British men like dressing up like women from watching episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

And since Dr. Who is British too, James logically deduced that, that makes him the leading candidate as the cross dressing time traveler in the grainy footage from 1928.

“You have to take into account that we are dealing with the future here,” James continued. “It makes sense that Dr. Who would have upgraded from using blue telephone police exchanges to travel through time, opting to use a handheld device instead. Just think of the convenience.”

As for the reason why Dr. Who resorted to becoming the first-time traveling cross dressing/drag queen, James would not speculate, except to say:

“Perhaps that’s the only place he could find shelter from our judgmental society,” said James. “Or perhaps, he took comfort in the style and sensibility of handcrafted, high ankle support women’s shoes that the early Twentieth Century provided.”

At first, James ruled out any possibility of “Q” being the cross dressing time traveler because “Q’ is a part of the Continuum, but later he reconsidered.

“He is ‘Q’. He doesn’t need a cell phone to travel through time,” said James. “He just snaps his fingers and he’s there. And by there, I mean anywhere, anytime…Unless ‘Q’ was in disguise as a woman, which he is known to do from time to time, fooling Captain Jean-Luc Picard…I’ll have to present that dilemma to the Think Tank when we reconvene next week. I’ll get back you on that. Okay?”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo



Surgeon General Issues Warning to Rand Paul Supporters Against Head Stomping Political Opponents

“Get off my head, you [BLEEP]!”

 Lexington, Kentucky --

“Extreme caution should be exercised when engaged in the activity of head stomping a political opponent, as it may lead to the unintended consequences of injury to the vertebra or spinal column of the one doing the stomping,” said the Surgeon General at a press conference today, addressing an unfortunate incident at a Rand Paul political rally this weekend involving one of his supporters and a protestor.

According to Rand Paul’s people, in the so-called incident, the “outside agitator” from MoveOn.org threw herself to the ground directly in the path of a Rand Paul supporter who reacted by stomping his feet.

“Both were locked in a game of chicken,” said an eyewitness. “She dared him to step on her head. And he warned her to move it, or he would. She didn’t. So he did.”

As the perpetrator stomped his way around Rand Paul’s SUV, he encountered the agitator’s prone body on the ground and proceeded to stomp on her head, injuring his back in the process.


“I never knew I had such a supple spine,” said a somewhat shocked Rand Paul supporter from the back of an ambulance as he was rushed to a hospital. “Or else, I never would have stomped on that woman’s head. Who knew her head was so hard. I just don’t understand.”

Both the perpetrator and the victim must have the following preexisting medical conditions present, according to the Surgeon General as he outlined the possible cause of the spinal injury:

“The victim was obviously inflected with the medical condition known as: Difficilis Oris or hardheadeditus,” said the Surgeon General. “And the perpetrator with the medical condition called: Infirmus Rursus or yellowbellyitus.”

Until further medical tests can be conducted on Rand Paul’s supporters and MoveOn.org alike, the Surgeon General strongly recommended that both be kept a safe distance apart from the other.

“Or they risk further injury to their respective political causes,” said the Surgeon General. “Because, at this point. It’s hard to take either one very serious.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Obama Tries Building “A Coalition of the Willing” of His Own

a

Washington, D.C. --

After two years of disappointing his base of Liberals, Progressives, Independents, some elderly and especially young voters, President Barack Obama announced today, after a failed rally attempt held at an undisclosed stadium at a college back east for a taped political TV commercial to be aired at a later date, that he is building “A Coalition of the Willing” of his own to save what is left of his super majority in both Houses of Congress, come this November’s midterm elections.

“Listen,” said Obama, while addressing a dwindling crowd of mostly youthful supporters. “Not too long ago you people were fainting at my rallies. Now, now you hardly swoon. What’s up with that?”

“In the not too distant past, those people would have broken out into laughter,” later noted an Obama’s staff member. “Now, not even a smile was seen on a single face in the crowd.”

As a somber and awkward silence seized the audience, a heckler spoke up to respond to the President, who once promised he would bring hope and change to the nation.

“What’s up with breaking your campaign promise not to sign a healthcare bill that didn’t have a public option?” the heckler answered the President's rhetorical question. “Let’s start with that!”

The crowd cheered the heckler.

“Look America,” replied Obama as he walked away from his podium and prepared speech on his teleprompter, rolling up his sleeves as he walked across the stage. “I never promised you a rose garden. And I know this may shock some of you out there, but I can’t walk on water, either.”

The crowd broke out into laughter, Obama smiled.

“Now what do you say, America,” continued Obama satisfied he regenerated the faithful as he walked back up to his podium and teleprompter. “What about we start over? And you help me build what I call ‘A Coalition of the Willing’ to restore hope and change to Washington?”

The crowd fell silent once more.

“Now you maybe asking yourself what’s this ‘Coalition of the Willing’ all about?” said Obama as he clearly began reading off his teleprompter again. Not noticing that his audience fell silent once again. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy.”

Obama paused and looked out to the crowd from behind his podium and teleprompter, waiting for them to react with laughter. But no one laughed. In fact, people resumed leaving the rally, quietly shuffling out in droves; heads hung low as before. 

Looking puzzled, Obama signaled to someone in his entourage to roll back his speech on the teleprompter.

“I said…,” Obama spoke picking up where he left off as he reread his speech from the teleprompter again, but this time with more emphasis on the punch line. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy -- The other guy, get it? Come on, people. That’s funny.”

“Not as funny as your administration,” yelled out the heckler as the crowd continued their exodus.

“Do you really want the other guy back?” said Obama, departing from his prepared speech as he nervously looked out at the people continuing to leave the rally. “Because that’s what is going to happen if you don’t vote for the Democrats in November. It’s either me or the other guy. It’s your choice. It’s that simple.”

The people did not respond to Obama’s threat. And soon all left the rally. Except for one man, the heckler, who sat up front.

“What are you still hanging around here for?” asked Obama, acknowledging the heckler.

"I don’t know,” replied the heckler. “New material?”



Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

OctoMom’s Doc: I could’ve gone plumper

Los Angeles, California --





During an emotional PowerPoint presentation that was obviously engineered to sway the members of the California medical board in favor of the investigators trying to revoke the medical license of fertility specialist, Dr. Michael Kamrava, who stands accused of violating the medical ethics of his profession by implanting 12 embryos (instead of the recommended two) into the so-called “OctoMom” (Nadya Suleman, divorced), sat quietly.



Although the doctor watched the presentation in silence, he cut his own throat by inadvertently surrendering self-incrimination testimony at the conclusion of the slide show.



“I don’t know,” said a reporter who attended the hearing. “He didn’t seem phased at all by the pregnant pictures of Suleman. In fact, he looked like he was admiring them.”



In the darkened medical board room, images of the alleged victim’s bloated ballistic-like belly reflected off the doctor’s spectacles, as a synchronized soundtrack from the movie “Titanic” played in the background.



As one series of photos ended, another series began; seemingly filling up the projector screen with an endless pride of OctoMom posing in various protruding positions and gigantic states of gestation.



However, as soon as the projector screen went bleach white plank, pausing between each of the 35-year-old Suleman’s 14 pregnancies (as the computer struggled loading up the new data on its hard drive), people eagerly moved about in their seats in anticipation of the lights coming up, only to be disappointed when more pregnant photographs of OctoMom assaulted them instead.



Gasps of shock and disgust, which emanated from the sympatric audience in the beginning, were quickly replaced by groans of “Oh man, not another one” or “What the? Not again!” by the end.



Finally, as the slideshow presentation concluded, the fertility specialist leaned over to whisper into his attorney’s ear.



“I could’ve gone plumper,” gloated the accused as the lights came back on in the room.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Cigar Guy the 34th Chilean Miner Rescued?

Santiago, Chile --



The Chilean mining authority has confirmed reports that a 34th man was extracted from the collapsed mine just hours after it was believed the last rescue worker was the last man to be pulled up to the surface.

“We couldn’t believe it when we got the radio message from the last rescue worker that there was another man still down there,” said a representative of the Chilean mining authority that took charge of the rescue operation days after the mine collapse and to its successful completion.

As the last rescue worker, Manuel Chavez, waved to the remote camera a half-mile beneath the earth from the now abandoned miners camp in preparation to be the last man to ascend to the surface, he half entered the elongated red, white and blue capsule only to unexpectedly pause.


The rescue crew monitoring his moves from the surface, waiting with unopened champagne bottles in hand called down, asking him what was wrong.


“What are you doing, Manuel?” jokingly asked the crane operator responsible for pulling up the capsule out of the cramped metal tube. “Don’t be such an attention whore. Get into the capsule so we can celebrate properly. El Presidente is buying us the first round of drinks.”



However, the crew chief, who was watching Manuel on a monitor, instantly knew something was seriously wrong and got on the radio.



“What’s wrong, Manuel?” said the crew chief. “Why don’t you get into the capsule?”


Manuel still paused mid stride with one foot inside the capsule and the other outside, did not respond but instead shook his head as if in disbelief as he turned away from his ride to freedom and turned back toward the cavernous interior.



“Everybody stop cheering!” yelled out the crew chief using a bullhorn.



Soon everybody’s attention was once again refocused on the live feed from the floor of the mine.



All watched as Manuel left the safety and security of the rescue vehicle and walked out of camera range toward something that had obviously drew his attention.



“Manuel radioed up to me, asking if I was sure that all the miners had been accounted for,” said the crew chief. “I told him, yes. I was sure. All 33 men were out of the mine. No one had been left behind. But he didn’t believe me and asked me to do another headcount.”




That is when the crew chief asked him why, but Manuel’s response was unintelligible. Drowned out by the cracking and popping sounds of a radio signal out of range, or encountering interference.




The crew chief asked Manuel several times to repeat his last transmission, but no response came.


Moments turned into minutes which seemed like hours but finally Manuel reestablished communication, even returning to the capsule. As he walked back into camera range, however, was not alone. He had his arm over the shoulders of a man wearing an ethnic headdress, sporting a heavy mustache and smoking a cigar.


“Cigar Guy?!” let out a collective cheer of relief and surprise from the rescuers on the surface.

“It was him,” said the crew chief, still in a state of disbelief. “You know, the man that first showed up in that famous Tiger Woods photo and everywhere since.”


Later, back up at the surface, Cigar Guy explained that as soon as he heard that the men were trapped in the mine, he decided he would take on his own to hike down into the mine to cheer them up.


“Only by the time he reached them. They were already rescued,” explained Manuel, still with his arm around Cigar Guy’s shoulder back on the surface.




In Manuel’s own words, he was ready to leave the mountainous tomb when he thought he saw a flash of light against the walls of the mineshaft, an orange glow in the dark behind him and detected the distinct odor of a fine Cuban cigar lingering in the air.

Walking toward the pleasant aroma, Manuel caught in the beam of his flashlight: Cigar Guy -- who was calmly sitting on a boulder, smoking a cigar.


As Manuel cautiously approached, Cigar Guy reached under his cloth hat covered in a thick white chalky dust and pulled out a cigar, which was unscathed and in perfect smoking condition and handed it over to him.


As the two men sat side-by-side on top of the boulder smoking away their cigars in the dark, a half-mile down in the bowel’s of the earth, no words, or translation, was necessary between them to say: job well done, job well done.


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Lady Gaga Almost Cooked to Death at Celebrity Roast Held in Her Honor



Turn me over. I think I’m done on this side.



Hollywood, California –

After Lady Gaga’s appearance in a dress made entirely of raw meat at the MTV Video Music Awards, she immediately headed backstage to a waiting limousine that whisked her away across town to tape a celebrity roast held in her honor to be aired at a later date.

Only, this time, as she graced that stage there with her presence. Still wearing her cut above the rest couture incarnate -- a full metal jacket of Black Angus -- designed by Franc Fernandez to address the audience, she tripped on some tripe that was dangling from her dress. And fell into a large open-air Bar-B-Que pit.

Horrified members of the audience and catering staff rushed to Lady Gaga’s assistance, while others dialed 911.

“She flew right into it. Head over heels,” said Meshach Martinez, a caterer in attendance at the event.

“We couldn’t really get close enough to her to pull her out of the Bar-B-Que pit because of the intensity of the heat,” said a member of the audience that tried to help. But was pushed back by the flames. “Not without loosing all the photos we took with our camera phones of her struggling to get out."

Water was considered as a way to douse out the fire and save Lady Gaga from her Dante’s Inferno. At the last minute, however, it was ruled out.

“That quick thinking may have averted a second tragedy as it was rapidly assessed that the heat generated from the steam would do more harm then the flames,” later said a first responder. “So wisely, Bar-B-Que sauce was applied instead.”

“I know the Bar-B-Que sauce served as a marinade, lightly seasoning and moisturizing Lady Gaga’s dress just enough to prevent it from drying out, sealing in the natural juices,” said. Martinez, as he made the sign of the holy cross. “Acting not only as a tactile tenderizing agent pleasurable on its own but an enhanced gastronomic culinary delight that inhibits many of the free radicals (known carcinogens) that come with the carbonization of meat over an open flame. But still, it was a miracle. Santa [Saint] Gaga was engulfed in charbroiling flames, but they did not consume her. Only her dress.”

“It was no miracle,” explained the EMT that treated Lady Gaga at the scene for liquid smoke inhalation. “Like most people who fall into an open Bar-B-Que pit, their first instinct is to get up and run. Normally that would be the most prudent course of action and one I would recommend. However, not if you happen to be wearing a long evening gown made entirely out of raw meat.”

In which case, it is advisable to duck and roll instead.

“And that’s precisely what Lady Gaga did,” continued the EMT. “She kept rolling from side to side. Depending on how well done she was on that particular side. It’s that action which saved her life.”

Once Lady Gaga realized that it was her outer garment of other animal flesh and not her own carcass that was what was being seared, however, she quickly hopped up onto her feet and walked out of the Bar-B-Que pit on her own power.

“Not even the soles of her feet were burned,” said Martinez. “Another miracle.”

As a small plume of rich smelling hickory smoke hovered above her head, Lady Gaga, from under an oxygen mask, told her attending EMT that remarkably just a week before she had taken a fire walking class at the local Annex, enabling her to tread lightly over white-hot coals unscathed.

“That too,” said the EMT. “Probably contributed to saving her life. But mostly I think it was the flank steak.”

Inspired by the nearly tragic, if not fatal, incident, Lady Gaga then asked for a sketchpad and piece of charcoal to write with.

With her USDA inspected gown still smoldering, she sat down on the back bumper of the ambulance and began wildly drawing out her idea for her next outrageous outfit: a short sleeve jacket made of molten vocalic lava.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo