Apple iPads Deployed to Gulf Oil Leak

Silicon Valley, California --

Apple software engineers have just created a new App for the iPad that can help clean up the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Mexican Gulf by converting your iPad into an actual pad, allowing it to soak up oil.

“Once the App is downloaded from our Apple Online App Store and your iPad converted,” said Roger Stewart, a software engineer who heads up Apple’s new Environmental Apps Technical Information Team (EATIT). “Your iPad pad can absorb up to five barrels of oil a day.”

However, Apple strongly recommends the use of thick industrial rubber gloves, a respirator and ‘Dove’ dishwashing liquid detergent to clean off the oil from your iPad pad immediately afterwards, or risk voiding your warrantee.

“That way too, you will avoid contaminating yourself with known cancer causing carcinogens and getting dishwater hands,” said Stewart. “Then simply wring out all the water and hang it out to dry.”

Apple also suggests that you make certain that the batteries are dry before reactivating your iPad.

“By doing so,” said Stewart. “You’ll reduce the risk of electrocution to yourself. And more importantly, shorting out your iPad.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Indy 500: London Lawnmower Man Qualifies for Race

The Brickyard, Indianapolis --

In a last minute midnight unanimous decision, league officials of the Indy 500 said that there was nothing in the rulebook they could find that barred a specially modified mountable lawnmower from qualifying for competition in the legendary car race.

So rookie racer, Don Wales, from Carmathenshire, England drove for the first time ever in the 94-year history of the race a lawnmower onto the brickyard, hoping to qualify for pole position.

Only as soon as Wales started his engine, signs of trouble began to show.

“He had to exit his vehicle several times to pull the cord,” said Danica Patrick. “And then he adjusted the throttle so many times, I thought he flooded the engine for sure.”

“I never had trouble like that in my FIA Formula One,” said Helio Castroneves. “And when I do, I make a pit stop. I never leave the safety of my car…unless it’s on fire, of course. Or to climb a fence, maybe.”

Once the modified lawnmower got on its way, however, it managed to awe even the most cynical of the traditional Indianapolis 500 drivers and spectators alike.

“I was impressed,” said a spectator. “Especially the way it took the right angle corners of the track.”

Unfortunately, as Wales was pulling his modified lawnmower out of a corner with only ‘clean air’ ahead of him, he seemed to suddenly lose control.

As Wales began to spin wildly, heading straight for the infield of the speedway, the crowd gasped. Then taking to their feet, they watched in total silence, as he began mowing the grass there instead.

Nevertheless, many Indy 500 drivers say Wales has a future in racing.

“Judging from the job he did on the infield grass,” said Mario Andretti. “If this would have been a NASCAR race, he would have won.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have used the ‘push-to-pass’ feature so soon coming out of the corner like that,” said Wales, trying to explain what went wrong. “Now I missed a spot and have to go back and mow it all over again.”

कोपyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Gulf Underwater ‘Death Plume’ Headed Inland -- Straight as The Crow Flies for Brit Hume!

New Orleans, Louisiana --

After denying on FOX TV that the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico posed a real threat because he did not see any pictures of oil washing on the shore and because millions of gallons of oil naturally seeps up every year from the ocean floor around the world which is then absorb, Brit Hume learned today what can only be best described as an underwater ‘Death Plume’ of crude was heading inland, straight for him.

“Death plume? What death plume?” said a still defiant Brit Hume, as he took to the airwaves again. This time images of oil mixed with a toxic chemical dispersant washing ashore all along the U.S. coastline, contaminating and killing off anything in its destructive path, played out on a giant in studio plasma screen behind him. “Sounds made-up to me. Like evolution, or the ‘Death Star’ in that ‘Star Wars’ movie.”

Outside the TV studio, just a mile away offshore, the death plume still beneath the surface of the Gulf begins its metamorphosis, changing its shape.

“Next they’ll be telling you there’s something called the ‘Force’,” Brit Hume continued to mock. “Like some kind of energy field created by all living things. That surrounds us and penetrates us. That binds the galaxy together.”

Slowly the death plume breaches the surface of the water, finally reaching the shore. Only not in the form of tiny little globes of tar anymore, but that of a giant looming sphere, rising up high into the sky blotting out the sun like a ‘Death Star’ and casting its shadow across the entire Louisiana coastline…and beyond.

Reaching under his desk, Brit Hume pulls out a plastic baggy containing a small glob of tar.

“I have your so-called ‘death plume’ right here!” continued Brit Hume, waving the plastic baggy in the air. “Is this what all the fuss is about?”

TV studio lights begin to flicker and fade.

Copyright © 2008–2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Gary Coleman’s ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ Catch Phrase: ‘What you talking about Willis’ Sold on eBay Lead to Lifelong Obsession

Hollywood, California --

Forced to sell his own memorabilia in order to make ends meet years back, Gary Coleman then child star of 1970s show sensation ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ even sold his trademark catch phrase: ‘What you talking about Willis’ on eBay with much regret, family and friends claiming that he was not the same ever since.

“It’s like the day he sold his catch phrase, a little piece of him died that day,” said James Morris, a close friend of the Coleman family.

Contractually forbidden as a condition of the sale from ever saying his catch phrase either publicly or privately ever again, Coleman resorted to secretly saying it to himself in a darkened closet.

“He’d sit there in the dark for hours,” said Morris. “Saying to himself over and over again: ‘What you talking about Willis….What you talking about Willis…What you talking about Willis…”

Over the years, Coleman became increasingly fixated on speaking the forbidden catch phrase, which contributed to his recurring unemployment in the end.

“He was obsessed,” said a former employer, who terminated Coleman after catching him in the act.

Reportedly, Coleman would often excuse himself from his duties as a parking lot security guard, claming to have to use the restroom.

“Then he would walk across the parking lot over to the ‘Port-A-Potty,” according to a former fellow security guard. “Lock the door behind him and say to himself over and over again: ‘What you talking about Willis…What you talking about Willis…What you talking about Willis…”

Finally, after being terminated from his most recent job, Coleman’s family and friends gathered to attempt an intervention.

“But that wasn’t very successful,” said Phyllis Washington, another close Coleman family friend. “Because when we confronted him, he’d just say: ‘What you talking about Phyllis…What you talking about Phyllis… What you talking about Phyllis…”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Brit Hume Wishes Gulf Oil Spill into ‘The Cornfield’

FOX TV --

Brit Hume, host of Fox News Sunday, took to the airwaves over the weekend insisting that the ocean is big enough to absorb the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

“I don’t see any oil spill, do you?” rhetorically asked Brit Hume as he sat opposite journalist, Juan Williams. “In fact, I’m beginning to wonder if this is not all some kind of elaborate liberal hoax.”

“Pardon me?” replied Juan Williams, struggling to maintain a professional demeanor.

“And if there is an oil slick, so what?” continued Brit Hume. “Millions of barrels of oil naturally leak into the oceans of the world every year. And that’s not counting all that Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil either.”

A stunned Juan Williams looked on. His eyes slowly glazing over, while trying to remain engaged. Inside an internal struggle was taking place as he reflected over the span of his journalistic career, questioning his decision to be in the same room with Brit Hume, let alone interview him on national TV regarding quite possibly the worst manmade ecological peacetime disaster in history. Wondering what would be the consequences, not only for himself but his profession as well for their participation in trying to pass off this kabuki style theater for news. Then he thought, “Nah, its just FOX.”

“And if I may, isn’t the Gulf of Mexico like a giant cornfield?” Brit Hume resumed. “And I bet if we all wished real hard, we could wish it there. Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Wouldn’t that be a real good thing?”

“Huh?” said Juan Williams, suddenly coming out of his hypnotic like trace, nervously looking around the TV studio for direction.

“And while we’re at it, we could wish all the liberals there too,” Brit Hume added, looking directly at Juan Williams, who was busy tapping his earpiece linking him to the control room. “Say Juan. You’re not a liberal, are you?”

As beads of sweat ran down his face, Juan Williams stood up from behind his desk, removing his earpiece. And as he held up his hands to the camera, he watched himself slowly begin to fade away.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

Photo by Peter Griffin http://www।publicdomainpictures.net/browse-author.php?a=296

BP to Plug Oil Well Using Golf Balls, Used Tires and iPod Zombies

New York, New York --

British Petroleum (BP) has announced today that it intends to cap the run away undersea oil well in the Gulf of Mexico beginning next week, using golf balls, used tires and iPod Zombies in an attempt to stop the gusher.

“We’re ready to go,” said a BP official, standing before a chart marked “Plan C” illustrating the plugging of the broken pipe with golf balls, used tires and darkened human silhouettes wearing the trademarked iPod white ear buds, taken from its very popular print media ad campaign. “However, in order to plug the well, we need something with a little buoyancy to it. And let’s face it, iPod Zombies provide just that.”

According to BP they have already begun rounding up iPod Zombies, picking them up jogging along the roadside, doing the wash at the laundromat and working on their screenplays at local cafés; holding them in the hull of a hollowed out oil tanker somewhere offshore along the Louisiana coastline for transport.

“We setup a track and espresso bar for them. And made it Wi-Fi accessible,” said BP, claiming they have not received any complaints or missing persons reports. “So they’re very cooperative.”

BP testing proved that the iPod Zombies were able to endure the bone crushing depths and near zero temperature in the oxygen depleted waters one mile beneath the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.

“We’ve learned it’s all about making the right music selection,” BP said. “With the right song playing in their ears, iPod Zombies are either sufficiently distracted or highly motivated to do just about anything.”

Critics remain skeptical that BP’s latest attempt to stem the flow of oil will succeed.

“Sadly, BP’s iPod Zombie solution to the problem will only last as long as the batteries,” voiced one critic.

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo