Café Jive: September 2008

British Airways new “Jet Man” single passenger X-treme frugal economy class flight now fully operational

Paris, France

Looking to save on the rising cost of energy, British Airways just successfully tested their new “Jet Man” single passenger extremely frugal economy class flight today. Pushed out of an airplane mid-flight over the English Channel at an altitude of 8,200 feet and at over 375 aeronautical miles per hour, Doug Ross from Liverpool was the first ever airline passenger to fly himself to their final destination, under their own power and survive.

“Surprisingly, after being pushed out of the plane, landing, taxiing and disembarking at an international airport is not as hard as you’d think,” said Ross.

Ross who won the British Airways in-flight lottery (drawing the shortest straw) to be the lucky passenger to be strapped to a single jet-powered wing was given his last rights by a Catholic priest and a last meal (a bag of salted peanuts) by a stewardess just before she opened up the airplane passenger door and shoved him out.

Initially, caught up in the prevailing North Sea trade winds, Ross was blown off course, all the while tumbling to his death, before his single jet-powered wing properly unfolded and jet engine finally ignited.

“Still, it was way easier than clearing airport security,” said Ross while he stood on the tarmac at the Paris International Airport waiting to be refueled. “Especially evading those incoming SAM”S (surface- to-air missiles) on final approach.”

“We expect to pass on the savings to our customers,” said a spokesman for British Airways. “Except for those passengers that opt for the last rights and last meal package. We change extra for those services.”

Mattel cancels “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll”; replaces it with “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure”

New York, New York

Stocks rose moderately before falling farther on the news that the Mattel toy-manufacturing company is following in the footsteps of billionaire Warren Buffett in restoring faith in turbulent financial markets. Only not by investing a comparatively meager $5 billion dollars but by doing something more substantial: canceling its Christmas line production of its “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll.” Replacing it instead with the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure.”

According to Mattel, the decision to cancel the of “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” and then replace it with “Che” is intended to send a message to the White House that it supports its plan to abandon two principals on which capitalism was founded on: Laissez Faire and Moral Hazard doctrines.

“Long gone is the age of an unregulated free market economy,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “And so too is the is the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” whose accessories of a brief case filled with cash, one hundred dollar cigars and Black Berries have come to represent as a role model to our children.”

In striking contrast, the “Che Guevara Socialist Guerilla Marketing Action Figure” comes with the traditional people’s revolutionary Bret (with red star), over romanticized standard issue green combat fatigues, socialist manifesto (in Spanish) and most importantly $700 billion dollars of taxpayers’ bailout money in a camouflaged satchel.

Mattel does not expect “Che” to sell very well among American children during the Charismas season because of ideological differences.

“We’re not talking any economical ideological differences,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “As the $700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street has put that horse to bed. No. We’re talking religious issues. Mainly, because the children in our test groups displayed guilt over playing with a known atheist come Christmas morning.”

Despite religious differences, Mattel still expects sales of “Che” to outperform those expected with the “Wall Street Investment Doll” come the Charismas season.

“We had to drop it because it thanked with all our test groups just like the stock market,” said a spokesman for Mattel. “Not with the children so much, but with the parents.”

The pixilated digital footage from Mattel’s toy testing facility repeatedly shows parents busting through the laboratory doors, startling and frightening their children, as they grab the “Wall Street Investment Banker Doll” from their children’s hands.

“Often, the parents away the doll’s clothes, dismember its limbs and bite its head off,” said spokesmen for Mattel. “All in front of their children, traumatizing them. All the while, yelling out: ‘Why did you sell me a mortgage you knew I couldn’t afford? Now you want me to give you $700 billion dollars? You bastard!”

Eighty-eight-year-old grandmother wins State Lottery! “Thank you God for having such a great sense of humor,” says Grandma

New Britain, Connecticut

Holding no animosity against God for allowing her to win one million dollars in the Connecticut state lottery in the autumn of her life, Rose Marie-Mathews, a great-great-great grandmother at 88, instead thanks him for having such a great sense of humor.

“I’m no Job,” said the silver haired Marie-Mathews. “I just know when I’m licked.”

As for the proceeds of the winnings, Marie-Mathews says that she will spread what little happiness the money can bring to those that think the world of it with the real gift God has given her: time.

“I knew I was lucky before I bought the wining ticket,” reflects Marie-Mathews, while sipping on a glass of lemonade on the front porch of her modest Connecticut home. “I’ve got two children, eight grandchildren, nine great-great grandchildren and one great-great-great grandchild. And now I have one million dollars. Can you imagine that? One million dollars.”

Then without a word, Marie-Mathews slowly arose out of her rocking chair, opened her creaking screen door and slammed the front door shut.

From behind the closed door, Marie-Mathews could be heard shouting at the top of her lungs to herself.
“Damned if they get their grubby little hands on my million dollars!” screamed Marie-Mathews from inside her home. “Hell, I’m leaving them the house when I’m dead. Isn’t that enough? I bet half of them aren’t really mine grandkids anyways. Besides, they didn’t ask me for permission to be born, and if they would have, the answer would have been no! Damn kids. Think they can take away my million dollars. Over my dead body they will. I’ll blow all up my nose first on some White Lines (cocaine), Meth (another illicit illegal narcotic) or maybe on some of that Chinese Yam-Yam (?) that I’ve been hearing Pat talk so much about on the ‘700 Club.”

AMBER Alert issued for missing WaMu children; gone from their website

Seattle, Washington

Today, a spokesmen for JPMorgan Chase confirmed that the WaMu children on their website [wamu.com] are indeed missing. So, authorities have been asked to issue an AMBER Alert to help locate them. The WaMu children were present on their website before the JPMorgan Chase takeover; however, they were not reported as missing until at least 24 hours after their legal names were changed to JPMorgan Chase. Ever since then, the children have not been seen or heard from.

“I don’t know what could have happen to them,” said an almost inconsolable Mrs. Mu-JPMorgan Chase. “They were there [on the website] just 24 hours ago and now they're gone.”

The WaMu children, Wa Jr. and Mu Jr., are both five-years-old twin boys, who have black hair, brown eyes, and weight approximately fifty-five pounds. They were last wearing a red and yellow sweater and blue jeans, respectfully.

The twin’s, as they are commonly referred to, favorite game is playing Peek-A-Boo in which one child, usually Wa Jr., covers the eyes of the other, Mu Jr., in a surprise from behind, a practice, which seemed to annoy their new daddy JPMorgan Chase for some unknown reason that authorities are currently looking into.

Authorities are considering the possibility that the children could have simply run away. Upset with the recent breakup of their parents the WaMus, and the apparent sudden announcement of their new daddy JPMorgan Chase, who just moved into the former WaMu website.

However, authorities have also not ruled out parental abduction by Mr. Wa who has not been seen or heard of since the breakup. Nor have they ruled out foul play by the missing children’s new daddy, JPMorgan Chase, who also cannot be reached. Only, for the reason that he is out of town on a prescheduled business trip.

“In cases like these,” said Captain Doug Copper of the Seattle police Department. “Often mom’s new boyfriend can’t stand the sight of the kids because they serve as a constant reminder of the children’s father. So, when they think no body is looking, they make the kids disappear. So to speak.”

A blogger was the first to notice and report the WaMu children missing to authorities. Even before that of Mrs. Mu-JPMorgan Chase, who did not notice her children missing at all until authorities contacted her informing her of their disappearance, which places her under suspicion by authorities as well.

“Yup, it’s a real who done it case,” said Captain Copper। “No telling where those poor kids could be. I just hope they’re okay and that we’ll all see them again real soon.”

Cash Cow WaMu runs out of MOOLAH!

Seattle, Washington

Fearing that Washington Mutual corporate executives wishing to avoid an FBI investigation by escaping their mortal coils, Seattle police had to surround the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington with nets as precautionary measure as news of the JPMorgan Chase takeover of the once largest bank in the history of the United States of America collapsed today.

“We haven’t had any jumpers yet,” said Settle Police Captain Bryan Copper as he stands on a suicide watch. “And with the nets all around the Space Needle, we expect to catch any that do.”

Captain Copper has standing orders to protect the safety of the public, placing his personal feelings on the matter aside.

“If it wasn’t that their falling bodies posing danger to public safety, I would let them jump,” said Captain Copper. “I know its too merciful of a death for the damage that they have caused, but I really can’t afford to pay anymore in taxes for their upkeep in jail if they are ever convicted for the fraud they committed on the public.”

Unfortunately, a number of the nets Captain Copper and his unit are using have holes in them and are not expected to be very effective in breaking the fall of any WaMu executives.

“It’s the sea air,” said Captain Copper. “It has a very corrosive effect on the nets. Just like all those unregulated Wall Street investment banker on the economy. I just hope the one in Washington, D.C. doesn’t have as many holes, or we’ll all slip through.”