Café Jive: April 2008

Third grade teacher arraigned on Federal firearms possession charges for having handgun on campus – blames school budget cuts and statewide testing

Santa Ana, California --

Arrested on federal charges for having a handgun and bullets in her third grade classroom in early April, Jayne De Armond entered a not guilty plea in a Santa Ana courtroom today. Through her attorney, De Armond insisted she never intended to harm her pupils with the handgun she kept in a supply closet in her classroom but merely intended to use the pistol as a visual instructional aide, giving her students a learning incentive they well deserve.

"She was always a firm believer in visual instructional aides," said a fellow teacher at the Diamond elementary school in Santa Ana that De Armond taught at before her arrest. "Although, personally, I would have stuck to sock puppets, but hey, that's just me."

None of the De Armond's third graders could be reached for comment because of their age; however, parents of former students did go on the record in her defense.

"Her teaching methods are unorthodox to say the least and possibly a federal crime, too, but she knows how to grab the kids' attention and keep it," said Maggie Faulkner, who had her son in De Armond's class last year. "I use to have a hell of a time getting my son to read, do his math or even stop picking his nose. But after I enrolled him in De Armond's class, I don't have to ask him twice to do anything. Now if I could only get him to stop wetting himself whenever he hears a loud noise. I'll talk to De Armond after her trial. I bet she can help me with that too."

Reportedly, the discovery of the handgun and bullets in De Armond classroom came when she started yelling and screaming at the children, up set that they still had difficulty spelling her name on the practice test forms.

"I heard all the kids crying, as usual," said Mark Sanchez, the school custodian. "But I got worried when all the crying suddenly stopped."

Sanchez then peered into the classroom window and was shocked to see De Armond wildly waving a pistol in the air threatening to use it on the first kid who dare misspell her name.

"I always wondered why I was having to clean up after so many kids that messed themselves in her class," said Sanchez. "To bad too, I heard her students always made honor roll."

De Armond's defense attorney and experts in the field of elementary school education agree teachers are under extreme pressure to bring up their students' grades and test scores, especially in times of a school budget crisis.

"With statewide testing coming up, I'm surprised more teachers haven't been arrested on federal firearms possession charges," said Armond's attorney.

Airplane makes emergency landing after CEO files for bankruptcy in mid-flight

Washington, DC - Another airline just went belly up but not before one of its airplanes bound for LAX was informed in mid-flight by its CEO that he had to file for bankruptcy so they had better land the plane as soon as possible because none of the pilots or crew were on the clock anymore. Worst yet, they would be held financially responsible for any further expense, especially the cost of the jet fuel, if they proceeded with the flight to its final destination.

"Our CEO said he would personally dock our checks," said the pilot, who made the final decision to make the emergency landing. "We all got together in the cockpit and pulled out our last pay check stubs to see of we could afford to continue with the flight, but we just didn't have enough."

The captain then went onto the planes public address system to inform the passengers on board of the situation and to ask them for donations to keep the plane in the air.

"I could believe what I was hearing," said one of many angry passengers as a couple of stewardesses walked down each aisle, passing a basket duck tapped to pole through each row, collecting the passengers money, wrist watches and rings. "The captain asking us for money just to get us back to L.A.? I mean didn't the airline industry get a government bailout the last time? Now they're asking their pilots and crew to divvy up for the ride literarily out of their salaries, again?"

Unfortunately, even with their money and what was collected from the passengers, the captain and flight crew still did not have enough money to keep the plane flying.

Markus Gonzales, a passenger who disembarked the ill-fated plane, now stranded on a tarmac somewhere in central Arizona, said that he, along with all the other passengers had no money left to give. Not after the two other previous airlines folded up on them: one while they were still in the terminal waiting to board and the other after they got through the gate while they were boarding, standing line with tickets still in their hands.

"We all gave what we had," said Gonzales. "But all of us already exhausted all our traveling money, went over the limit on our credit cards, ate right trough our savings and pawed most of our jewelry paying for this flight to nowhere. Not to mention what we spent on renting cheep motels and eating overpriced airport fast-food waiting just to book it."

No word from the federal government on what it plans to do to help the stranded passengers, or the failing airline industry this time, but the FAA announced they would be recovering the Black Box even though the plane landed safely.

World's Ugliest Dog Crown Revoked -- "Dog" revealed as Mexican Sewer Rat

Petaluma, California --

Scandal broke out at the annual Marin-Sonoma County Fair's World's Ugliest Dog competition last Friday. As officials had to revoke the Crown awarded to "Elwood," then believed to be a 2-year-old crossbreed mix of Chinese Crested and Chihuahua, when they discovered to their horror it was not actually a canine at all that they bestowed the title World's Ugliest Dog, but a Mexican sewer rat.

Officials became suspicious when after they had just awarded, "Postal," the World's Ugliest Cat, and the two were to pose for pictures for the media. While on stage posing for the cameras, Elwood became nervous and jumpy, and then suddenly leaped from his owner's hands onto the stage with Postal, in hot pursuit.

"I had no idea it was a Mexican sewer rat," said Karen Quigly, the owner of Elwood. "I purchased him by mail order from a puppy mill in China. They assured me Elwood was half Chihuahua. I mean he looked like he was half Chihuahua. Right?"

Veterinarians warn it is a common mistake often made by owners of the Chihuahua canine breed.

"It happens more often then you think," said Paul Gonzales, veterinarian. "People come in with their Chihuahua's for a checkup only for me to discover they really have a Mexican sewer rat for a dog."

According to his owner, Elwood was very popular with all the cats in the neighborhood too, who liked to follow him around every time she took him for a walk.

"I just thought cats liked him," said Quigly. "I never realized they were trying to eat him."

"The rules are very clear," said an official for the event. "The contestants must belong to the canine species, not rodent. We had no choice but to revoke the crown, title, and force the forfeiture of the 1,000 prize money."

Officials say they may have to exclude Chihuahuas altogether form the event if they are unable to make a clearer distinction between the species by next year's competition.

"That will be difficult," continued Gonzales. "It's almost impossible at times. I often have to result to taking a DNA sample to make a positive identity. But that can be expensive and the results can take several weeks."

Sadly, each year dozens of Chihuahuas are brought to Gonzales that were caught in traps set in peoples basements, mistakenly taken for a rat.

Currently, Gonzales is working with the American Canine Society to develop a cheaper and faster litmus test to help better distinguish Chihuahuas from Mexican sewer rats, but they are still a ways off.

New Brazilian Bikini Wax procedure may kill you, but it takes years off your hooch

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - Already compared to child birthing and passing a kidney stone, many women are all to willing to endure such a painful procedure for the smooth clean look they get with a traditional Brazilian Bikini waxing. However, a new Brazilian Bikini waxing procedure is allegedly so painful and its side effects so dangerous, it has resulted in the death of a number of women.

Those deaths were reported as occurring when women forewent the tradition procedure involving a heated wax strip, opting instead, for new a hair removal procedure involving the use of heated wax treated by the secretions from the back of a poisonous Amazonian tree frog, which, if it does not kill you, will give you a youthful resilient look down under.

"It's taken years off my hooch," said Rachel Mendoza, a satisfied and surviving customer. "My husband says he just doesn't recognize me any more."

Unfortunately, all too often, other women have reported additional side effects, aside from death, such as numbness or over sensitivity in the treated area, an allergic reaction to the toxins in the poison of the tree frog's backside secretions.

"I have both numbness and over sensitivity," said Margaret Hornburg. "Particularly during sexual intercourse with my husband, I don't feel a thing, but then when I'm with my lover, it's so sensitive. I just don't get it."

Despite the dangerous side effects of the new Brazilian Bikini wax procedure, it is expected to approve as a dieting aide, as a number woman before their death reported significant weight loss.

After hosting Miss USA, Donny and Marie Osmond offered their own Reality TV Show: "The Osmonds"

Hollywood, California - From the producers that brought you "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Fear Factor" now comes: "The Osmonds." That is if they accept the highly lucrative contract offer, as they are said to be seriously considering it; though they are hung up on the legal language, expressing a concern not over the royalties, right of ownership and approval, but the liability waivers they all must sign and initial.

"After all, the devil is in the details," said Donny Osmond, in his cheerful customary manner but looking somewhat worrisome as the smile slowly faded from his face.

The reality TV show will follow the same formula as its successors in that cameras and crew will be invited into the Osmond family home like that of "The Osbournes" given unlimited 24/7 access, according producers.

"With the sole exception of the wholesome Osmond family values, well mannered clean cut squeaky clean reputation and old fashion religious up bring hanging in the balance in every episode," said Juliette Sade-Marquez, the show's executive producer.

Like "Survivor" each of the Osmond family members will be required to compete for limited resources, making alliances and gather for a tribal council meeting where they will be required to vote a family member off the show, say producers.

However, if, like "American Idol" or "Dancing with the Stars," enough viewers call in to vote to keep them on the show they will be grated immunity and allowed to stay."Those family members that are voted off," said Juliette Sade-Marquez. "And don't get immunity are then traded off to another reality TV show like "Trading Spouses" where their family values and religious beliefs will be challenged and mocked for the sheer amusement of the American viewing public."

"That's not all," continued an excited Juliette Sade-Marquez. "At an unannounced moments during the show while the they are sound asleep, safe in their beds, or even during the day while they're shopping in the mall, Osmond family members will suddenly be adducted, hooded and handcuffed by masked armed men."

Contractually, Osmond family members will then be subjected to further humiliation and placed into harms way, risking life and limb by being subjected to simulated torture.

"After they are abducted by our armed and seasoned mercenaries," continued Justine Sade-Marquez the assistant producer and sister of Juliette. "Then we throw them into the back of unpadded and unmarked black van and driven around for hours for disorientation purposes before arriving at a secret location to be interrogated while hooked up to a lie detector forced to answer embarrassing personal questions like on that reality TV show "Moment of Truth."

While on camera, the Osmond family members will be forced to publicly confess their shortcomings, personal sins and answer questionable aspects of their faith.

At last report, the Osmond family signed on for the show but missed a loophole clause that supercedes their right of approval, allowing the producers to sign on additional reality TV shows without requiring the Osmond family approval, having to consult them, or even inform them of any additional reality TV shows producers may add to the venue.

According to trade magazines, "Ultimate Fighting," a reality TV show that pits two men trained in various martial arts against each other for a no-holds-barred mortal combat, is showing interest in being one of the other alternate reality TV shows Osmond family members can be traded off to.

Copyright (C) 2008 Robert W. Armijo

Photo Courtesy of www.publicdomainpictures.net

YouTube's Girl Fight Club license approved by Nevada Boxing Commission

Las Vegas, Nevada - Contrary to its official policy to red flag any viral video that depicts unnecessary violence, YouTube proudly announced today that the Nevada Boxing Commission finally approved its application for an online fight club. The news could not come at a worst time for YouTube as the controversy over a video posted on the popular website showing a girl gang fight resulted in teens being charged as adults, and the violent images repeatedly playing in the media and talk shows across the nation.

"We admit the timing couldn't be better - ah, I mean worst," said a spokesman for YouTube. "But the fact of the matter is that we filed for a girl fight club application months ago - ah, I mean just days ago."

Remarkably, YouTube claims that it fight club license will not change its policy toward violence and that they will continue to red flag all viral videos that show unnecessary violence. In fact, they plan to upgrade the red flagging system to help better identify videos containing violent images posted on its website.

"We are upgrading our red flagging system as we speak," said a spokesman for YouTune. "It now includes Light Weight and Feather Weight class divisions."

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo
Photo Courtesy of www.publicdomainpictures.net

Phone Call by 16-Year-Old Girl from Fundamentalist Compound Alleging Sexual Abuse Traced to Mary Kay's Cosmetics Texas Headquarters

Eldorado, Texas - -

The Eldorado police department in West Texas has finally tracked down the source of the controversial phone call of an alleged 16-year-old sexually abused girl that lead to them raiding the fundamentalist polygamists compound. Telephone records indicate the call originated from the Mary Kay's cosmetics headquarters in Dallas, Texas. So enraged with what negative impact the news of the call being a fake could have on their unprecedented case, the local District Attorney's office has decided to go after the prank caller.

"We're very upset and embarrassed," said a spokesman for the District Attorney's office. "When we find the person responsible, we will prosecute them to the full extent of the law."

Police then proceeded to raid the Mary Kay's World headquarters building.

Although not having isolated the exact location from where within the Mary Kay's World headquarters building the call originated; however, they managed to narrow down their search of the building to the floor where Mary Kay independent beauty consultants have their office cubicles.

"We haven't yet identified from which cubical the prank call was made," said Police. "So we're confiscating them all."

Police believe that a Mary Kay independent beauty consultant who made the fake call was motivated by either revenge or economic reasons in a desperate attempt to drum up sales.

Currently the police are pulling all of last month's sales records of all the Mary Kay independent beauty consultants to see which ones were behind in their sales quota for the past months in order to build up a lead on possible suspects.

Meanwhile at least one witness placed a Mary Kay independent beauty consultant attempting to access the fundamentalist polygamist compound, trying to generate sales a month before the fake call, say police.

"Yep, I saw one of them Mary Kay ladies hanging around the compound all last month," said Billy-Joe Tucker, a local of Eldorado. "I could tell she wasn't one of those fundamentalist compound wives neither because she was wearing makeup, a woman's pink pantsuit from Sears and she didn't have that dazed look in her eyes like a rabbit gets on the highway at night, hypnotized by a cars headlights just before its runover."

Tucker says that the unknown woman even managed to make it inside the compound on several occasions but each time she was caught and escorted off the compound grounds.

"I told her it was no good trying to get those compound women to buy her makeup," said Tucker. "Because they wouldn't know what to do with it, but she didn't listen." Each time she was chased out, she was followed by a mob of angry women and child throwing rocks at her and screaming, "Get out of here you, Jezebel!" said Tucker.

The Mary Kay independent beauty consultant assigned the territory where the fundamentalist polygamist compound is located is currently being sought for questioning by the police."

Apparently, the Mary Kay independent beauty consultant must have thought she hit the jackpot, or was handed over the quick claim deed to a goldmine," said Police. "Just her bad luck that she was assigned the fundamentalist polygamist compound, the worst territory in all of Texas to sell makeup, I guess."

Photo Courtesy of www.publicdomainpictures.net

Pope Pimps out his ride (like his red shoes) for his visit to American

Washington, DC --

Pope Benedict XVI has arrived in American for his first official papal visit. He brings with him his customary entourage and bulletproof Pope-mobile for security purposes as usual. However, in order to reach out to America's young Catholic population the Pope made some slight modifications to his ride that will not go unnoticed. He pimped it out, a follow-up to his red shoes.

"The Holy See felt that is was necessary to show America's Catholic youth that the he is in touch with the challenges that face them today," said a spokesman of the Vatican. "Pimping out his ride make him more approachable and we hope more likeable."

Modifications to the Pope-mobile include: custom THX surround sound stereo system with Woofer speakers, side door paneling painting by the latest emerging inner city street artists depicting the New Ten Commandments for Catholic Drivers and an auto hydraulics system so he can make it hop up and down as he drives down the parade route.

It is believed pimping out the pontiff's ride is the first in a series of steps Pope Benedict XVI is planning to makeover his image as an introvert and intellectual.

"John Paul II may have been known as a Pope of the People, " said a spokesman for the Vatican. "However, Pope Benedict XVI will be go down in history as being the first Pope of Pop Culture."

While the Pope is visiting America, papal tailors traveling with the Holy See are "bizy" [busy] taking notes on the latest fashion treads in American. Later when they return to the Vatican, they plan on redesigning the Pope's wardrobe, consulting with none other than those fashionistas divas from that popular cable show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

"Just because the centuries old traditions of the Church seem out of date with the world's largest and richest Catholic population that doesn't mean that the Pope's wardrobe has look like it too," said a spokesman for the Vatican.